Husband has drinking problem causing MFI, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Was someone in your family an alcoholic? There seem to be major control and codependency issues here

[Anonymous]

I think people are being a little harsh here. It is hard for a man to truly get having a child until the child is here. If dh is a good guy, he will come to his senses when the baby is born and sober up.

I've faced a similar problem. The problem is that once you're in your 30s with plenty of money and not any children, there isn't anything else to do really.

OP you need to have a serious talk with your husband about how you feel and what his expectations are when you have a child. Don't talk. Listen. I've found men often are very honest if you truly listen. Ask him what he sees your family life like in the future and see what he says.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Another thing. What does he plan on doing when you're pregnant? Are you going to be okay having a drunk husband while you're sober?

[Anonymous]

OP here... no one in my family was an alcoholic, and no one in his family was either. It's making it tough to deal with this because I've never seen it play out before. When I look at his family and see how great everyone else is doing, it makes me hopeful for him. His life is going very well in every metric aside from this (advanced degree, great (though high-stress) job, does 50/50 housework without being asked, in good shape, good cook, really supportive of me (I have a high-stress job myself), etc.). Like I said in my prior post, I think he would say that drinking a 6 pack on Saturday is in the realm of normal male behavior and I'm trying to micromanage his life because I'm stressed about not being able to conceive the second that I wanted to. So I'm definitely interested in hearing unbiased opinions, whether I'm being unreasonable, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here... I think he will continue to drink one night a week while I am pregnant. I think he would stop completely if I asked him, but he would be a grouch about it for the first few weeks. As I'm reading my own posts and other people's comments, I'm thinking that I really suck at setting and maintaining boundaries. My husband will not drink unless I tell him that he can, and I keep telling him that he can because I can't take a little pouting. Really makes me question whether I should be a parent!

"I've faced a similar problem. The problem is that once you're in your 30s with plenty of money and not any children, there isn't anything else to do really." - I think this is exactly it... we have money and zero responsibilities, so we both enjoy drinking, eating out, traveling, etc. I do think that when we actually have the kids to fill our time, he will be less inclined to pass time by drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ugh. I know I sound like I'm in total denial here. It's just a hard situation when I don't want to divorce him because we have a wonderful life aside from this, he doesn't want to get help (and I'm not certain he's at the point where he truly needs help), and we both want to have kids. Thanks for listening and for all of the advice.

Um. OP, he's drinking so much that it's actually affecting his fertility. Do you think that's where it's going to end? What are you going to do when you have a child and your husband gets liver disease? Or cancer?

Yes, you are in total denial. Do some reading on children of alcoholics before you bring a baby into this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being a little harsh here. It is hard for a man to truly get having a child until the child is here. If dh is a good guy, he will come to his senses when the baby is born and sober up.

I've faced a similar problem. The problem is that once you're in your 30s with plenty of money and not any children, there isn't anything else to do really.

OP you need to have a serious talk with your husband about how you feel and what his expectations are when you have a child. Don't talk. Listen. I've found men often are very honest if you truly listen. Ask him what he sees your family life like in the future and see what he says.

Sigh. Ending addiction is not as easy as just being a "good guy".

[Anonymous]

You are getting an unbiased opinion, but you dont like what we are saying. You have an alcoholic husband. This will not get better with time or sleep deprevation of a child--think more stress, not less. Every alcoholic blames 'boredom" for why they are drinking. We live in a time where there is 100% no reason for anyone to every be bored, EVER.

He drinks because there is a wiring problem in his head that keeps whispering "drink, drink, drink, drink".
The fact that you have become his Mommy and he is the teen age boy begging his Mommy for a drink is such a bad dynamic.

So everyone's advice is...don't have a kid until he (not you) gets his drinking under control (meaning he's stopped). Doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, just means dont have kids with him.

And you need to get into therapy. You need to figure out why 1)you are okay with the Mommy/Teen dynamic and 2) why you keep caving when teen husband begs Mommy for a beer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... no one in my family was an alcoholic, and no one in his family was either. It's making it tough to deal with this because I've never seen it play out before. When I look at his family and see how great everyone else is doing, it makes me hopeful for him. His life is going very well in every metric aside from this (advanced degree, great (though high-stress) job, does 50/50 housework without being asked, in good shape, good cook, really supportive of me (I have a high-stress job myself), etc.). Like I said in my prior post, I think he would say that drinking a 6 pack on Saturday is in the realm of normal male behavior and I'm trying to micromanage his life because I'm stressed about not being able to conceive the second that I wanted to. So I'm definitely interested in hearing unbiased opinions, whether I'm being unreasonable, etc.

Doesn't it give you pause that you are going through IVF because of your husband's drinking? That doesn't bother you at all?

[Anonymous]

OP I grew up with this, alcoholic father and co dependent mother. I'm 70 years old and still feel the effects.

Please, please don't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I have to say that your statement that you think your DH is drinking because he doesn't have hobbies or interests, is most definitely evidence that you are in denial.

Also, you make a lot of statements about how great extended family members are and how they don't have alcohol problems -- that's all great -- but your husband has a serious problem.

You also write about what he "says" he'l do vis-a-vis fatherhood and being supportive. Well, some advice I read in a women's magazine years ago stayed with me -- pay attention to what he DOES, not what he says.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It is hard to hear but I needed it. I see now that I felt like having a baby would change his behavior for the better, and that's really dangerous thinking. It's a good idea to go to Al-Anon myself to try to get some ideas about next steps and support. I do think that the situation is still salvageable, but I agree that we should try to fix this problem before fixing the baby issue. (This is the OP.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone. It is hard to hear but I needed it. I see now that I felt like having a baby would change his behavior for the better, and that's really dangerous thinking. It's a good idea to go to Al-Anon myself to try to get some ideas about next steps and support. I do think that the situation is still salvageable, but I agree that we should try to fix this problem before fixing the baby issue. (This is the OP.)

Glad to see this update. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm unclear, how many night a week does he drink?
How much on each occasion?

[Anonymous]

OP--thanks for the update. I agree that having a child is a really bad action plan for 'how to stop drinking'.
Remember most alcoholics want to be a good parent and stop drinking. But they have a brain disease that makes the alcohol more important than anything else. That isn't an excuse, that is just the reality. The cure for this brain disease is to not drink even though every ounce of you being is telling you to drink.

Good Luck, it's going to be a long, hard road...