Husband has drinking problem causing MFI, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

OP, could the idea of ttc be exacerbating your husbands problem? I'm a woman and am just like your DH. ttc is really stressful. I would cut him a break, and stop the IVF.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about any confusion I caused by mentioning whiskey in my first post. If my husband had his way I'm sure he'd like to progress from drinking beer to whiskey, but he does not actually mix the two. At his peak of drinking last year, he would buy a bottle of whiskey, drink it in 2-3 days, then, say, buy a 6 pack the next day and drink it all in the day. But at this point, since we started fertility treatments, he is drinking less, 1-2 nights a week, only beer. But on each occasion he still drinks the entire 6 pack of beer in one night - he cannot save any for the next day. Then he kind of mopes around the next day, hinting that he'd like to buy more alcohol. I feel like he's standing on a rail between alcoholism and normal life... he does have some self-control, but there does seem to be a voice that still says "drink drink drink." Also, not that it matters, but to clarify - he didn't pass out in his car, he lost his car keys while drinking with colleagues. Not any better but just wanted to make sure the story was clear.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. My husband's not caring how drinking impacted his fertility was one of the things that made me realize he is NOT ready to be a father. He doesn't have the alcoholic twist (I don't think, although I could see it going that way one day maybe), but even so - when someone won't give up something so simple to improve odds of conceiving, they don't really want to conceive at some level, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, check yourself
Your OP said he drank so much at the work event he sent you an email telling you he would never drink again.
That lasted a week.
Then you said he is begging you to go to the store to get beer, and then pouting in the basement because you said no.
You are doing the classic enabling here with each post trying to defend and minimize his behavior.
Get yourself to Alcoholics Anonymous and see how this is classic alcoholism and what your role in this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think he'll be a good dad - I think a lot of his drinking now is tied to boredom, he really has no hobbies or healthy outlets for stress.

Do you realize that, when they're not being a lot of work and stressful on a relationship, newborns are very, very boring? He's not going to stop being an alcoholic just so he can sit and gaze at his newborn with clearer eyes. Your expectations are so starry-eyed and so wrong. If alcoholics often stopped drinking for their kids, we'd only hear about childless alcoholics, and that's just not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, check yourself
Your OP said he drank so much at the work event he sent you an email telling you he would never drink again.
That lasted a week.
Then you said he is begging you to go to the store to get beer, and then pouting in the basement because you said no.
You are doing the classic enabling here with each post trying to defend and minimize his behavior.
Get yourself to Alcoholics Anonymous and see how this is classic alcoholism and what your role in this is.

I know how bad the behavior is, believe me. I'm not trying to minimize it. In order to get honest opinions, I do need to share all relevant info, which includes the fact that he does seem to have some self-control and currently limits his drinking to 1-2 times a week. That's not minimization, it's just me trying to be candid so that you can give my real opinions about how bad this is. Talking to you all about this has made me realize that the important thing is not how much or how little he's drinking, it's that it seems like he can't stop after he gets started. I do think it's a good idea for me to go to Al-Anon myself and I will definitely take that advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think he'll be a good dad - I think a lot of his drinking now is tied to boredom, he really has no hobbies or healthy outlets for stress.

Do you realize that, when they're not being a lot of work and stressful on a relationship, newborns are very, very boring? He's not going to stop being an alcoholic just so he can sit and gaze at his newborn with clearer eyes. Your expectations are so starry-eyed and so wrong. If alcoholics often stopped drinking for their kids, we'd only hear about childless alcoholics, and that's just not the case.

+1. And guess what-- newborns are also very, very stressful! As is being a parent. If he is having trouble coping with stress now, it's only going to get worse.

What exactly is the plan-- for him to quit alcohol the moment you go into labor, and be in withdrawal while you have a newborn?

I'm glad you're acknowledging your denial, OP. Do a freeze all cycle if you must, but Al-Anon and marriage counseling are what you really need.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you "let" him drink this weekend? Next weekend, stay strong and see what happens!

The fact that he's trying to outsource his self-control to you is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I have to say that your statement that you think your DH is drinking because he doesn't have hobbies or interests, is most definitely evidence that you are in denial.

Also, you make a lot of statements about how great extended family members are and how they don't have alcohol problems -- that's all great -- but your husband has a serious problem.

You also write about what he "says" he'l do vis-a-vis fatherhood and being supportive. Well, some advice I read in a women's magazine years ago stayed with me -- pay attention to what he DOES, not what he says.

And, OP, are you really sure about this? Some alcoholics can be quite good at hiding this. My 80-year-old MIL was shocked when she found out her sister was an alcoholic and that that was why she kept falling and ending up in the hospital. Think of it this way -- you just told us that your families don't know that he has this problem. Maybe someone in his family also has a problem like this that they're hiding. Anyway, it would explain things but really, it's irrelevant. Your husband has problem regardless of whether it has shown up in his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He drinks 1-2 nights on the weekend (1 night only lately), a 4 or 6 pack on each occasion (it is fancy high-proof beer, like 8% alcohol). I think that his actual consumption may be in the normal realm of male behavior, but what is troubling to me is that if there is alcohol in the house he will drink it until it's gone. It would be difficult for him to buy a bottle of wine and save it for more than a week. So he's not, like, drinking during the day, getting fired from work, etc. He can go out to dinner with me and not drink so that he drives us both home. But, like someone else said, there seems to be a voice in his head that tells him to "drink drink drink" whenever alcohol is in our house.

Drinking 1 -2 nights just isn't a big deal. I drink more than that. I'm a woman.

But the point is that he can't stop drinking if there is alcohol in the house. That's the red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, could the idea of ttc be exacerbating your husbands problem? I'm a woman and am just like your DH. ttc is really stressful. I would cut him a break, and stop the IVF.

I agree with this.

Also try and figure out a plan for when you do become pregnant. Will you want him to drink? What do YOU want? Is it that you want him to have some self control, understand what you're going through and abstain? Be honest with yourself and be honest with him.

Is some of this the fact that you have to go through IVF and he doesn't?

I've been going through the same thing as you and I'm debating internally whether to even have children.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you find you have a lot to talk about with your husband? Recently, I've realized that maybe our drinking was the only thing we have in common. I've gone from wishing my husband would stop drinking so much to wondering if this is the right man for me and now what?? My husband seems to drink because he is anxious. He seems on edge if he can't have a drink at night. So now I find myself at dinner with a man who can't hold a conversation with me and seems annoyed if he can't drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:°
I've been going through the same thing as you and I'm debating internally whether to even have children.

After 6 months TTC and lots of internal debate with myself and discussions with my husband, we decided we don't think we want to have kids. We have put it on the back burner for 2 years (2 years I don't really have to waste if we do end up wanting them, frankly), but I think at that time we will likely land at permanently childfree.

I cannot tell you how much freer, more relaxed, and at peace I feel. Everyone is different and has to soul search for their answer, but just wanted to encourage you that it is ok to change your mind and for some people, it is a real relief to give up on kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:°
I've been going through the same thing as you and I'm debating internally whether to even have children.

After 6 months TTC and lots of internal debate with myself and discussions with my husband, we decided we don't think we want to have kids. We have put it on the back burner for 2 years (2 years I don't really have to waste if we do end up wanting them, frankly), but I think at that time we will likely land at permanently childfree.

I cannot tell you how much freer, more relaxed, and at peace I feel. Everyone is different and has to soul search for their answer, but just wanted to encourage you that it is ok to change your mind and for some people, it is a real relief to give up on kids.

I'm getting to this place. I'm not sure I will go through any type of fertility treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, check yourself
Your OP said he drank so much at the work event he sent you an email telling you he would never drink again.
That lasted a week.
Then you said he is begging you to go to the store to get beer, and then pouting in the basement because you said no.
You are doing the classic enabling here with each post trying to defend and minimize his behavior.
Get yourself to Alcoholics Anonymous and see how this is classic alcoholism and what your role in this is.

I know how bad the behavior is, believe me. I'm not trying to minimize it. In order to get honest opinions, I do need to share all relevant info, which includes the fact that he does seem to have some self-control and currently limits his drinking to 1-2 times a week. That's not minimization, it's just me trying to be candid so that you can give my real opinions about how bad this is. Talking to you all about this has made me realize that the important thing is not how much or how little he's drinking, it's that it seems like he can't stop after he gets started. I do think it's a good idea for me to go to Al-Anon myself and I will definitely take that advice.

So glad that you are realizing this! That is a huge hurdle. Most people think that alcoholics need to be physically dependent all the time in order to be 'real alcoholics'. Not true. You can drink once a year, and if you cant stop when you want to stop, you have a problem.

As a side note--there was a really good Atlantic article about ways to treat alcoholism that doesn't involve AA. I'll see if I can find it...