I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this is an issue between the SIL and her husband. She never wanted to do it, and he pressured her to accept. OP you were extremely naive and you also seem to lack boundaries. You thought you were going to be a hero and now you just made everything worse. You need to pull way back, let your DH handle things with his brother, and admit you made a huge mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very kind and generous woman. I am going to join the chorus of people urging you NOT to go through with it or give them any money. I have not suffered through that level of infertility but no amount of loss justifies the horrible things she said to you when you made your offer. And to come back with a list of totally overbearing demands shows her total lack of regard for her as a person. You're not allowed to be called aunt or ever touch the child you carried for 9 months?? That is needlessly cruel. It sounds like she needs to spend a lot of time in therapy to get over her issues before she moves forward with any attempt to have kids. Even after therapy, it is clear you should not be part of the solution in any way.

[Anonymous]

I am flabbergasted.

I accept that SIL is dealing with some strong emotions. But everyone in this scenario is fooling themselves if they think those emotions will disappear once OP is pregnant, or a baby is here, or x amount of time passes. They won't. Her hurt and anger and resentment will continue. They may even find a new outlet in the child. I have all the sympathy in the world for SIL, but the reality is that her recent actions suggest that she is not emotionally ready for this arrangement. It also sounds like her husband may have bullied/threatened her into agreeing to the arrangement, which is not cool.

OP, if I were you, I would not go through with this. Not out of spite, but because this is clearly not a healthy arrangement for anyone. Imagine if the child had special needs? I suspect your SIL would blame you and lash out. And not just once, but ongoing. To you, your husband, your in-laws, your kids, and her kid.

You may be damned if you do and damned if you don't. I strongly suspect that if you proceed with the surrogacy, it will tear the family apart anyway. It does not appear that SIL would be able to accept your presence in the life of her family. I would expect you, and your husband and kids, will be progressively shut out. If you don't do it, there may still be a rift in the relationship. But at least you won't be handing a baby over to a woman who hates/regrets/resents/is ashamed of the way he came into this world.

I say all this as someone who cannot have another child and is exploring adoption/surrogacy. I do have one child, so I cannot relate to the pain of 9 years of heartbreak. But I have done enough research and reflection to know that both adoption and surrogacy are fraught with complex issues and emotions, most of which are long-term and don't disappear once a baby shows up. And not just for your SIL, but for you, your husband, and your kids too. How will.you explain to your children when you have the baby, give it to BIL and SIL, and then never see them again? You should anticipate your children having complicated feelings about the baby. It does not sound like your SIL would be considerate of that, or care to help them work through those feelings.

Gah, I could just go on and on. I'll end with this - OP, please don't do this. You know this is a bad idea. Don't let anyone guilt you into it. This is NOT a thing to do out of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add - I agree SIL's list of demands is cruel. That's a good word for it.

possibly, deep down, SIL is hoping you will refuse so you can be the "bad guy" to BIL

[Anonymous]

Don't do it

[Anonymous]

if you need someone to blame it on, just blame it on me. "Anonymous on DCUM wouldn't let me do it, sorry."

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you'll come back and update. I am SO sorry that SIL blew up like she did. I almost see her list of demands of you as a surrogate as her doing YOU a favor. I would worry that she will take out the negative feelings she is SURE to have about how she got a baby out on the baby.
They need to MOVE IN with you during the pregnancy? The child would call you guys "Uncle Tim and Julie"? You're not allowed to touch the baby until given permission?
Be nice, but you've got to walk away from this "deal". Frankly, I think she'll be relieved that you're pulling out, it's like she agreed to appease you and her DH.
Big (((HUGS))) to you and your DH and BIL, OP

[Anonymous]

If you could not afford a car but your neighbor pumped out a brand new shiny car every other year would you be jealous? What if he had four in the driveway? What if he offered to give you the next one? Would you be grateful? What if he wanted to come over and take it for a spin sometime? I know it's not the same but still I think you need to reflect on your abundance and how it contrasts with her emptiness. Take into consideration how much harder it is to factor in family dynamics. No one wants to be the poor sibling dependent on handouts from the successful. Clearly your SIL has a great deal of anguish over her perceptions of acceptance into the family. It's not just the SIL who has to step back and look at how this family functions but everyone. This takes time. Why not ask if everyone can do therapy for a while and then revisit the offer? A gift is only a gift if there are no expectations attached.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good God. You (*very* generously) offered to help them have a child and this is how she repays you? No way, no how. Back out, no questions asked, no explanation necessary. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound nice and that your heart is in the right place. But you also sound pretty naive about what can happen to a couple when they struggle with infertility as much as they have (all the heart ache not to mention the financial part) Anyways, I work with people who are going through infertility. I'd like to say a couple of things that I took away from what you've said

1. What your SIL is going through is something that you can never understand. A lot of women go through their lives expecting that they will have a biological child. Coming to terms with the fact that they won't is a grieving process. Add that into the stress that she's already experiencing with the loss each month of not being pregnant (as well as any actual miscarriages)

2. While it may seem irrational to you, it is completely common for infertile women to wonder if their husbands wish they had married someone else who could have babies. I'm willing to bet some of her hostility towards you stems from this. She has probably thought "well since OP can get pregnant so easily, I bet DH wishes he was the one who married her and not his brother. Then he'd have 4 great kids right now".

3. She may be happy that you're offering to be a surrogate. But that comes with another slap in the face of "Oh look at OP, look how easy it is for her to get pregnant. Now she can carry my baby. And I can't"

4. I'm not saying you come off as insensitive, but I think you're not really realizing what it must be like for her.

5. Regarding the demands. She likely wrote them when she was upset. But its also not uncommon for the moms to try to assert a lot of control over the surrogacy because that's their tie to the baby. There may be a baby shower but she won't be the one showing, etc. So controlling the pregnancy as if she was the one carrying the baby is pretty common. d

I agree with the PP's who have mentioned a group counselor would be very beneficial in this situation. Your SIL is grieving, angry, and hurt. You're hurt as well. You need a mediator to help you work these things out instead of just deciding she's unstable and in an unstable marriage and you are going to ruin your family.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously this is an issue between the SIL and her husband. She never wanted to do it, and he pressured her to accept. OP you were extremely naive and you also seem to lack boundaries. You thought you were going to be a hero and now you just made everything worse. You need to pull way back, let your DH handle things with his brother, and admit you made a huge mistake.

Are you for real? OP and her husband sought our advice from a lawyer and medical professional before even making a decision, how is that naive? Lacking boundaries? By wanting to help family out? As for your comment about her wanting to be a hero and making everything worse you sound just as much of a bitter bitch as her SIL.

OP you didn't make a mistake AT ALL.

She is naive not to anticipate that this might stir up very strong, irrational emotions. This is not "helping family out" like helping them move a couch. It is much more complicated, uncharted territory. Yes the SIL's demands were unhinged too, but that is where her relationship issues with her husband came in. Basically OP got herself mixed up in absolutely the most emotional and complicated issues possible for a couple and a woman, and it backfired big time. She should have done more due diligence first to more sensitively figure out if this was something the SIL would consider before dropping a bomb like that and putting this poor woman through even more pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I was a gestational carrier for my brothers husbands wife (my SIL)! I had 3 kids and was done (but 4 pregnancies,we had one still birth as well) and offered it after watching them struggle for over a decade. Lets put the emotions out of it for a second...it was physical HELL. I ended up carrying twins and it RUINED me. A fifth pregnancy (a multiple one at that) in my late 30s was no picnic. Comparing it to my singletons in my late 20s/early and mid 30s is impossible; it was its own beast. So if you have ANY reservations about it emotionally please decline because you may be over estimating what it can do to you physically.

surprised more posters haven't made this point. agree with the PPs that neither SIL nor her marriage seems stable enough for a child. But also consider that you have 4 kids already who need you - having another pregnancy, esp if it's twins, could be very very tiring or possibly even dangerous.

[Anonymous]

If you decide to proceed an anything goes wrong, she will hold it over your head forever (although she will hold backing out against you forever, so you're sort of screwed either way).

She doesn't get to dictate your feelings when pregnant. That's completely dehumanizing.

[Anonymous]

As someone struggling with infertility I am trying to understand your SILs feelings but I just can't. I understand the initial reaction (I guess) but honestly if my SIL offered this to me I would kiss the ground she walked on. No lists, no demands.

I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page about not doing this. I think you can both sit down with your BIL and just tell him you can't based on your SIL demands and the possibility of your relationship being ruined. I know this is sucky because in some ways your relationship is already changed forever but it will be much worse if you move forward with GC.

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic to your SIL, believe it or not. Imagine going through all that...and a stillborn at 34 weeks....heartbreaking. And then to have your DH looking to salvation to the woman who always seemed to have it so easy, with 4 pregnancies. Honestly, it wasn't pretty, but I totally understand her flipping out.

If you were serious about doing this at the beginning, I wonder why you are so quick to want to not do it. I totally get your reaction to this seeming insanity, the list of demands. But if it's a kind of regular response to heartbroken women who have to look to another to give them what they wish they had...I don't know.

Can't you just be honest with your SIL? Say you really wanted to help, were totally unprepared for the response, that you want to understand and you do want to help but you are scared about what the pregnancy would do if the offer created such chaos? Could you and she go to a counselor together or something?

I am inclined to think you should not do it, but I would not have made the offer to begin with. My priority would be my four kids. But, just food for thought, you made a kind of pregnancy plan in your head (you would make this offer, they would be so happy and grateful, you would save the day and be a hero!!) and now you are deeply rattled by the much less golden reality. This is what your SIL has been dealing with X a million and so it makes sense to me that she is a bit unhinged. I am not so quick to judge her. I agree that the things she said seem awful but I don't know enough about this or how surrogacy situations within families typically go. Maybe if you did it the pregnancy would bring you closer. I just have no idea. Can you talk honestly with her?