advice to mothers of daughters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her that there is no shame in choosing to be a stay-at-home wife and mother and valuing relationships more than personal achievements. She isn't denying her potential or selling herself short by making that choice, and she doesn't need a fancy degree and high income to prove that she is smart, confident, independent, hard-working, or anything else. She should try to feel good about herself based on who she is, not based on her educational and professional achievements.

x 1,000.

+10000

yes to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he is handy, can find his way around a proper tool box, is kind, considerate, ambitious.

Actually I wish my parents had taught ME how to me more handy (their daughter). My father is very handy, and my husband is the same way. I went from having my father do everything for me, to having boyfriends or male friends (some female friends) do things for me, and now my husband. I've gotten better (and even have my own tool box ), but always felt like an idiot and basically incompetent when it came to basics like changing a tire, hanging a curtain rod, installing shelves, etc. I love my dad, and have great appreciation that he has always been there for me...but I wish he'd thought to teach me how to do these things (or I'd thought to learn at a younger age).

That said, I'm always quite secure that almost anything that needs to be done around our house can be done by my husband. Or his dad, or my dad. It's a nice feeling; so you're right that it's good for a guy to be handy.

But not every woman ends up with a guy at all, or a guy forever. I was single more than I was partnered in my 20s and 30s, and I learned how to do tons of things myself (my taxes, changing headlight bulbs in my car, computer stuff, other car stuff, fixing things around the house). Then when I was partnered but my boyfriend/father of our child already had a condo and not the best credit, I learned all about buying my first house and financing.

Even though I'm married now (to the same boyfriend) and he's incredibly handy (he's a firefighter and EMT, so he has all sorts of great helpful skills!), it's still a relief to me and I'll model it for our daughter that heaven forbid we break up, or anything every happened, I would not suddenly be helpless or clueless. So sure, handy men are nice... but I am definitely raising my daughter to be handy herself, she should never be lost just because she doesn't have a guy to do something.

[Anonymous]

It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man than a poor one.

[Anonymous]

Well behaved women rarely make history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your daughters excel in Math. This opens doors for them in high paying STEM careers.

You can't make sure a person *excels* in math or any other subject. Either their brain is wired for that, or it's not. Also, high-paying is not everything in life. Going for something that makes you happy is much more important, IMO.

Math can be learned by anyone as long as it is taught well. Women tend to shy away from Math and that is a big detriment to their future earning. A high paying job is more essential for a female than a male. Mainly because of the fact that they give birth and usually take care of the kids.

Sons are given tangible goals by parents -" become good in xyz sports; get into xyz college; become a lawyer, doctor, engineer, hedgefund manager". Daughters are given intangible goals like "be happy". Well, it is harder to get to intangible goals. So, make them financially independent and capable of becoming the breadwinner of their household. The rest will hopefully follow.

I am a female math PhD. I don't think it's genetic.

That said if you want a high paying, secure career, study medicine. My DH is a doctor and made more out of training than most mathematicians I know who are retirement age. I will not be directing my own daughter to math, to the extent that I have influence.

Oh, and all you people out here encouraging your daughters to be SAHMs, you are awful.

I am the "Math for Girls" pp above.

There is nothing wrong in being SAHMs or WOHMs. However, women need to be financially independent and know how to manage and grow their investments. Money gives women options to WOHM or SAHM.

To have no money of your own as a SAHM or to live paycheck to paycheck as a WOHM sucks.

If you choose to work, then be in a position that you can command a good salary. Math opens doors for you. Even if you want to go into medical field.

YES to the bolded. All you have to do is read the "Relationships" forum or the "Family Relationships" forum for a few days to see the negative impacts of women who don't have their own money or the means to making their own money. Affairs, domestic violence, just generally miserable marriages... all continued or tolerated because women can't feed their kids or provide housing on their own if they leave. Or even just so many women's self-perception that they're helpless, even when they're not.

SAHMs are great, go for it if you can. But the people saying "don't feel the need to have a fancy degree or a job or professional skills", the degree doesn't have to be fancy, but you should ALWAYS have options. You NEVER know what will happen in your relationship, no matter how good it is right now. Too many women get stuck and feel they can't move because they didn't finish college or save some emergency money of their own.

You want to talk basic life skills to teach your daughter: always having a way to be able to be ok and stable if you're on your own is a MUST. And that usually includes at least a college education (or equivalent skill development, like in a specific field), or your own savings separate from marital savings/joint accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to accept that friendships end. Some end with flames others just die slowly and les s painfully. When a friendship ends, just let it go, mourn and move forward.

Same with romantic relationships. The time a major, serious boyfriend cheated on me, I was devastated and hurt and angry, but thanks to how I was raised and my view of what I am worthy of, I got clear really fast that walking away from him was the best move. Why would I fight for a man who's shown me that he doesn't respect me or love me the way I deserve to be loved: with honesty and integrity? That guy tried to get me back for so long... but thankfully I got it. And I got a much better guy for the long run.

And with my DH, I really believe the only reason we made it through as much turmoil as we've been through, is that I didn't hang on for dear life. There were many times I thought "Really, after all that, we might still not make it?" but I had to find peace with that possibility, as did he. I think it was knowing that we both understood that breaking up was an option is what allowed us to stay sane enough to work it out and stay together. Feeling stuck or helpless is devastating to a relationship and to one's mental health.

Romantic relationships end, some with flames, some just drift away. When it dies, let it go, mourn, learn any lessons you can, and move forward.

[Anonymous]

I would want her to be able to let go of Mr. Not Right. I see too many women that can't let go of a bad relationship. Chronic relationship problems never get better. Move on. Don't be afraid to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well behaved women rarely make history.

Just as a public service I have to tell the story of this quote and how it has been misused. It was attributed to historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I heard her speak once and she said she is amused that people have turned it into a rallying cry and a bumper sticker, but it's completely not what she meant. She was looking to tell the stories of ordinary women of another era and had to dig very deep to find their stories, because the only historical records she tended to find of women were when they were accused of crimes or witchcraft or part of some small scandal. What she meant was, women generally only showed up in the historical written record ("make history") when they did something unusually disruptive. She actually really valued the ordinary women's stories and it was her whole purpose to dig deeper and uncover them.

When people here the quote now I guess they are thinking of people like Rosa Parks and Amelia Earhardt. Fine enough, but what the historian actually meant was, you're only going to show up in the police records if you get arrested for something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well behaved women rarely make history.

Just as a public service I have to tell the story of this quote and how it has been misused. It was attributed to historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I heard her speak once and she said she is amused that people have turned it into a rallying cry and a bumper sticker, but it's completely not what she meant. She was looking to tell the stories of ordinary women of another era and had to dig very deep to find their stories, because the only historical records she tended to find of women were when they were accused of crimes or witchcraft or part of some small scandal. What she meant was, women generally only showed up in the historical written record ("make history") when they did something unusually disruptive. She actually really valued the ordinary women's stories and it was her whole purpose to dig deeper and uncover them.

When people here the quote now I guess they are thinking of people like Rosa Parks and Amelia Earhardt. Fine enough, but what the historian actually meant was, you're only going to show up in the police records if you get arrested for something.

Sounds like you are well behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your daughters excel in Math. This opens doors for them in high paying STEM careers.

You can't make sure a person *excels* in math or any other subject. Either their brain is wired for that, or it's not. Also, high-paying is not everything in life. Going for something that makes you happy is much more important, IMO.

Math can be learned by anyone as long as it is taught well. Women tend to shy away from Math and that is a big detriment to their future earning. A high paying job is more essential for a female than a male. Mainly because of the fact that they give birth and usually take care of the kids.

Sons are given tangible goals by parents -" become good in xyz sports; get into xyz college; become a lawyer, doctor, engineer, hedgefund manager". Daughters are given intangible goals like "be happy". Well, it is harder to get to intangible goals. So, make them financially independent and capable of becoming the breadwinner of their household. The rest will hopefully follow.

I am a female math PhD. I don't think it's genetic.

That said if you want a high paying, secure career, study medicine. My DH is a doctor and made more out of training than most mathematicians I know who are retirement age. I will not be directing my own daughter to math, to the extent that I have influence.

Oh, and all you people out here encouraging your daughters to be SAHMs, you are awful.

I am the "Math for Girls" pp above.

There is nothing wrong in being SAHMs or WOHMs. However, women need to be financially independent and know how to manage and grow their investments. Money gives women options to WOHM or SAHM.

To have no money of your own as a SAHM or to live paycheck to paycheck as a WOHM sucks.

If you choose to work, then be in a position that you can command a good salary. Math opens doors for you. Even if you want to go into medical field.

YES to the bolded. All you have to do is read the "Relationships" forum or the "Family Relationships" forum for a few days to see the negative impacts of women who don't have their own money or the means to making their own money. Affairs, domestic violence, just generally miserable marriages... all continued or tolerated because women can't feed their kids or provide housing on their own if they leave. Or even just so many women's self-perception that they're helpless, even when they're not.

SAHMs are great, go for it if you can. But the people saying "don't feel the need to have a fancy degree or a job or professional skills", the degree doesn't have to be fancy, but you should ALWAYS have options. You NEVER know what will happen in your relationship, no matter how good it is right now. Too many women get stuck and feel they can't move because they didn't finish college or save some emergency money of their own.

You want to talk basic life skills to teach your daughter: always having a way to be able to be ok and stable if you're on your own is a MUST. And that usually includes at least a college education (or equivalent skill development, like in a specific field), or your own savings separate from marital savings/joint accounts.

The point was that you don't need a fancy degree or high paying job, not that you don't need to have anything. You don't need to find your value in professional accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well behaved women rarely make history.

Just as a public service I have to tell the story of this quote and how it has been misused. It was attributed to historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I heard her speak once and she said she is amused that people have turned it into a rallying cry and a bumper sticker, but it's completely not what she meant. She was looking to tell the stories of ordinary women of another era and had to dig very deep to find their stories, because the only historical records she tended to find of women were when they were accused of crimes or witchcraft or part of some small scandal. What she meant was, women generally only showed up in the historical written record ("make history") when they did something unusually disruptive. She actually really valued the ordinary women's stories and it was her whole purpose to dig deeper and uncover them.

When people here the quote now I guess they are thinking of people like Rosa Parks and Amelia Earhardt. Fine enough, but what the historian actually meant was, you're only going to show up in the police records if you get arrested for something.

never knew this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The point was that you don't need a fancy degree or high paying job, not that you don't need to have anything. You don't need to find your value in professional accomplishments.

No, you don't need to find your value in professional accomplishments, if that's not what you want.

Similarly though, you shouldn't be made to feel like you're cheating your kids or yourself if you DO want to pursue professional accomplishment.

In the end it's about figuring out how to follow your heart, bravely and without regret, which hopefully includes being the best ____________ (mom, wife, girlfriend, family member, employee, boss, etc) that you can be. It's a balancing act whichever direction you go in, it always is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her that there is no shame in choosing to be a stay-at-home wife and mother and valuing relationships more than personal achievements. She isn't denying her potential or selling herself short by making that choice, and she doesn't need a fancy degree and high income to prove that she is smart, confident, independent, hard-working, or anything else. She should try to feel good about herself based on who she is, not based on her educational and professional achievements.

x 1,000.

+10000

yes to this.

So you'd be okay with your daughter being a high school graduate with only enough income potential to get a job in the mall?

[Anonymous]

The world doesn't owe you anything. Make your own success. Be an equal partner in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her that there is no shame in choosing to be a stay-at-home wife and mother and valuing relationships more than personal achievements. She isn't denying her potential or selling herself short by making that choice, and she doesn't need a fancy degree and high income to prove that she is smart, confident, independent, hard-working, or anything else. She should try to feel good about herself based on who she is, not based on her educational and professional achievements.

x 1,000.

+10000

yes to this.

So you'd be okay with your daughter being a high school graduate with only enough income potential to get a job in the mall?

Those are the only options? Come on.