They want us to pay for their travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are they OP? My In-laws are 76 and 80, and they have become shockingly incapable over the last decade during which I have known them. I can imagine them saying they didn't think they could figure out how to get to a new gate. However, they don't simultaneously ask me to pay for their tickets!

Mid-sixties.

What is with all these near helpless fifty and sixty somethings that we've been hearing about in these threads lately? I used to live in a neighborhood where 70, 80 + year old people were still mowing their own lawns and some were still cleaning their own gutters. Many were still working. I'll be right around 60 myself when my youngest graduates from college - boy I hope and pray that I am not **that** old.

One would think in the final decade or two of life the best course of action would be to establish positive memories of yourself as the wise, considerate grandparent rather then as the demanding jerk who would happily drain the wallets of their children.

I am constantly amazed at the people who use age as an excuse to be total jerks instead of spending that time bettering themselves and setting good examples for others.

People do make mistakes regardless of age.

Asking your adult son and his wife to shell out several hundreds of dollars for plane tickets (when they could get you free ones), is not a mistake; it's poor character. They know what they're doing. And then to ask them to spend up to another $1500 for the "right kind of baptism party" without even offering a cent? Bleh.

If they want to be exemplary people, they should tell their son and DIL to put the plane ticket money into the child's 529 account instead and thank you very much for sharing your points with us. And then say, if you can't afford the party, we'll split it with you or come up with the most cost effective solution.

[Anonymous]

Um, if you're paying for their hotel and flights they don't get a say about what airline they won't/will fly. Personally, I'd tell DH no way no how if it means no vacation for you all later. Why can't inlaws pay half or for the hotel at least?

[Anonymous]

Helping them come for the baptism would be meaningful and generous- but they don't get to pick the airline ffs!! They also cannot dictate the party size. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm finding out that baptisms are a very big thing in DH's family. They're big to me too, but not as the social event that my IL's see them as. DC is getting baptized this summer and MIL and FIL are insisting on coming, except they want us to pay their travel expenses! (They live halfway across the country). We're not poor, but we do have very expensive childcare, and this will deplete our vacation fund plus some, which means no vacation this year and possibly next year. They also want us to throw a big party for DC. DH has told me there's no other way and he won't put his foot down with mom and dad. I've offered to fly them here on award tickets, but they "don't fly that airline, dear." I just wanted a sacrament performed and now it's costing us $1500+ at the very LEAST (we don't have room in our house for them so we'd have to put them up in a hotel as well). Am I in the wrong here?

You are right. He is playing son, not acting like a grown-up. You could offer to pay for the hotel but not the flights. They are oblivious if they actually expect you to do both. But there are much bigger issues here and they are about your husband, not your in-laws.

Your options:

1. Expect this to happen about everything involving his parents, for the rest of your married life. Enjoy taking second place to mom and dad! You can look forward to a lifetime of resentment and expense. This time it's the baptism. You still have junior's first communion, first day of school, soccer tournament, whatever, to enjoy, with the in-laws by your side after you've paid for their flights!

2. Tell husband it's time for couples counseling. There is no way that it's JUST baptisms that make his parents and him this unreasonable. Isn't it part of a larger pattern where he does what they want to keep the peace? And maybe a pattern where what they want trumps what his wife wants? And a pattern where expense doesn't matter as long as they're happy? That's going to be great for the old college fund.....See past the one event and the one cost and look at whether his intransigence and kowtowing to his parents needs work right now, or else....see No. 1, above.

[Anonymous]

OP: make it simple

Anytime "they want" something that involves "your time" or "your money", the decision is yours.

If you and husband disagree, that's a problem between you two.

[Anonymous]

If you have that many miles/points, buy three tickets - two for them, and one for your DH to fly out and escort them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am from a Catholic family and fully understand the stress/demands a baptism can place on a family. As you recently posted that your in-laws are not religious, I simply cannot understand their wish for you to have a large party. I can see that they want to be involved, but you need to plan an event that is comfortable in size and scope for you and your DH. I would think you are pretty busy with a 3 month old and adding the stress of a big party is not something I, too, would not want.

My parents (in their 80's), have always pushed their children to be frugal with their money, and would COMPLETELY support a small luncheon after the ceremony. This is a religious celebration at its heart, not a need to go over the top with an expensive party venue if you don't want to.

For the sake of marital harmony, I think you might have to buy the tickets for your in-laws this time. But put your foot down on a big party! I mean, do they know the people you know here -- who would you invite?

horrible advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the posts, but I'll offer this suggestion, in case no one else has.
Go to their place. Drive so you don't have to buy tickets (half way across country suggests to Ohio? Indiana? You can drive there. Or use your reward tickets.) Have the baptism done at their church and they can invite whomever the heck they want to a party at their own house. I recommend trays from Costco. You can buy a cake. It sounds like the whole thing is much more important to them than to you, so let them host.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm 16:13, and I just read the part about them not even being religious. This totally turns it for me. This sounds like my crazy narcissistic MIL, who does very similar things. I hate it when people say "put your foot down with your husband" like that's the easiest thing to do (because it certainly isn't in my house), but this really is a disaster. But you do need to let your husband know how bad it would be if he gives in to this sort of insanity. If they are this way about the baptism, what are you going to do next year, when the baby turns 1? Xmas next year? Ai, ai, ai.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are right. He is playing son, not acting like a grown-up. You could offer to pay for the hotel but not the flights. They are oblivious if they actually expect you to do both. But there are much bigger issues here and they are about your husband, not your in-laws.

Your options:

1. Expect this to happen about everything involving his parents, for the rest of your married life. Enjoy taking second place to mom and dad! You can look forward to a lifetime of resentment and expense. This time it's the baptism. You still have junior's first communion, first day of school, soccer tournament, whatever, to enjoy, with the in-laws by your side after you've paid for their flights!

2. Tell husband it's time for couples counseling. There is no way that it's JUST baptisms that make his parents and him this unreasonable. Isn't it part of a larger pattern where he does what they want to keep the peace? And maybe a pattern where what they want trumps what his wife wants? And a pattern where expense doesn't matter as long as they're happy? That's going to be great for the old college fund.....See past the one event and the one cost and look at whether his intransigence and kowtowing to his parents needs work right now, or else....see No. 1, above.

+1. Do not cave on this! Otherwise you will have to pay every single time they want to come out, on their airline of choice. Your DH has to see that that is insane. If he doesn't, sit him down for a budget talk and ask what he's willing to give up to fund this.

[Anonymous]

DH says it's because DC only gets baptized once. He says he won't happen again and got pretty pissed when I disagreed. But I don't have a crystal ball, so who I am to say? It also turns out HE volunteered to pay their way...

I guess pissed doesn't cover it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says it's because DC only gets baptized once. He says he won't happen again and got pretty pissed when I disagreed. But I don't have a crystal ball, so who I am to say? It also turns out HE volunteered to pay their way...

I guess pissed doesn't cover it for me.

Okay, but what is his justification for not using the free tickets? And they aren't even religious!! There will be so so so many firsts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says it's because DC only gets baptized once. He says he won't happen again and got pretty pissed when I disagreed. But I don't have a crystal ball, so who I am to say? It also turns out HE volunteered to pay their way...

I guess pissed doesn't cover it for me.

when will it end? baby will only turn 1 once, will only have 1st xmas once, will only have first day of school once, and so forth and so on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. You are being generous by offering them free tickets, if they don't want those, then they get nothing. This would be a major deal breaker with DH and we would be headed to counselling over it. You have a brand new baby, it's time to make your own family a priority and stand up to unreasonable parents.

You should find the thread about the ILs moving 5 mins away. It starts with demanding free tickets on a certain airline and next thing you know your DH is flying out there to accompany his mom to her out of town doctors appointments and unpacking her clothes while she dictates via Skype.

with a cat in the car for a 15 hour road trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says it's because DC only gets baptized once. He says he won't happen again and got pretty pissed when I disagreed. But I don't have a crystal ball, so who I am to say? It also turns out HE volunteered to pay their way...

I guess pissed doesn't cover it for me.

He's only going to turn 1 once! And 2 once! And 3 once! My god. DH is totally out of line volunteering a major expense without your agreement.

Die on this hill. Seriously.