Vent. I'm a slave.

[Anonymous]

This has made me realize more and more that I need to either not have kids or be a working mom. We truly get the shit end of the deal. You either work outside the home and miss out on a significant part of your child's childhood but have help and can demand equal help at home. OR you get to see your kids but become a glorified maid and cook. Shoot me now.

Equality. Men have been in this boat for years, PP.

[Anonymous]

I think the root of the issue is the use of the term "stay-at-home-mom/dad". I think we should go back to the term "homemaker/housewife".

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. You've gotten some good advice. I agree that you should talk to your husband about a reasonable distribution of evening tasks. Carolyn Hax had some good advice that we've used in our home; if someone cares more about the execution of any given task, then they should do it. So maybe you can ask him to scrub the pots or at least put them in to soak, but you wipe down the counters. (In our house, my husband is the counter wiper and I am the one who puts the laundry away.) Or maybe he does the bath and picks up the toys left out after evening playtime.

Of course, this only works if both people are respectful and actually care about each other's feelings. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say though, I work FT and have a PT house keeper that comes 20hrs a week and we don't have these fights in our house. Well worth the 380/wk spent.

20K a year for a PT housekeeper?
Ah, that's how the other half lives )

I suppose. I paid more in daycare, so I just took those costs when my kids were out of daycare and diverted them to a housekeeper. We have more cash flow than when they were little. daycare ran us near double that.

I think if I SAH and had to clean up after the entire family like the OP, I'd be miserable. talk about being unappreciated!

Or you could be like me, and WOH FT and still spend evenings cleaning up after the entire family. Talk about rage waiting to explode.

+1

It's not unreasonable to expect your DH to help out a bit after work, but you shouldn't look at him as the "relief shift." As a SAHM, it really should mostly fall onto you to get things cleaned-up around the house and deal with the kids. If that last sentence seems strange or unfair to you, then you probably should not agree to be a SAHM, because that's the way that your DH is going to see it, and it's going to be very hard to convince him otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could build a time machine just so I could arrange a meeting between a 2010s American SAHM and a 1800s American SAHM.

I would love to hear 1800s reaction to 2010s insistence about how hard she works. Back then, SAHMs REALLY worked hard, doing all kinds of chores that most modern SAHMs have even thought about, but modern technology has made things so much easier for them.

Middle and upper class SAHMs, in fact, NEVER worked that hard. In 1800, it was expected that a wife of a lawyer or other white-collar professional had ample help at home. Middle- and upper-class women never did anything with their hands at home. Stop comparing professional classes to the working classes.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS, just because you're a SAHP doesn't mean you need to be the one to wash every dish or wipe down the counter every time. Your spouse is a grown man and should take over a reasonable share of evening and weekend chores and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say though, I work FT and have a PT house keeper that comes 20hrs a week and we don't have these fights in our house. Well worth the 380/wk spent.

20K a year for a PT housekeeper?
Ah, that's how the other half lives )

I suppose. I paid more in daycare, so I just took those costs when my kids were out of daycare and diverted them to a housekeeper. We have more cash flow than when they were little. daycare ran us near double that.

I think if I SAH and had to clean up after the entire family like the OP, I'd be miserable. talk about being unappreciated!

Or you could be like me, and WOH FT and still spend evenings cleaning up after the entire family. Talk about rage waiting to explode.

+1

It's not unreasonable to expect your DH to help out a bit after work, but you shouldn't look at him as the "relief shift." As a SAHM, it really should mostly fall onto you to get things cleaned-up around the house and deal with the kids. If that last sentence seems strange or unfair to you, then you probably should not agree to be a SAHM, because that's the way that your DH is going to see it, and it's going to be very hard to convince him otherwise.

Not the relief shift if she's doing other work at the same time. They're working together so they can both have down time before bed. She's not just hanging out painting her nails...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling so resentful of my husband right now. I feel like he's just another child in our family and I'm so sick of feeling that way. Everytime he does something I ask him to do- like empty the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, etc. He just does such a half-assed and incomplete job that it ends up being easier for me to do it myself but then the anger just bubbles up and I feel so annoyed. Then when I try to bring it up to him, it sounds so petty. I don't care that he doesn't do it my way. I know I'm type A and like things done a certain way. I've let go of that. I just want things done and he is a grown ass man. For example, last night after dinner I asked him if he wanted to clean up from dinner or start a bath for our youngest daughter. He chose clean up from dinner. I give DD a bath, get her in her pj's and put a show on for her before bed and go to the kitchen and the table still has crumbs and placemats all over, pots on stove. All he did was put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk away. So now I gave the bath AND I have to clean up the rest of dinner. This is just time number 1000 that this has happened. When he empties the dishwasher he leaves a bunch of crap on the counter because he "wasn't sure where to put them". We've been in our house for a few years and if you aren't sure, just open the cabinets and see where they go! It's not fucking rocket science. Our 7 year old can (and does) do it.

I feel like I do so many little things he doesn't even realize to make life easier for him- one small example is that after I take a shower I put the nice new dry one right next to the shower so that when he goes in it will be right there for him rather than having to walk to the other side of the bathroom and grab it. Little things every day to make life smoother. No one ever does anything like that for me. I'm an afterthought.

The other night I didn't feel like cooking dinner and said do you want to go out. He didn't care and that's when it dawned on me that for him, every night is like a fucking restaurant! He comes to the table with dinner served and then gets up and walks away when he's done. I do all the work.
Yes I'm a SAHM but I am so tired of doing it all myself, especially when he does not currently have an especially demanding job. He's home a ton and spends plenty of time on hobbies and such. I feel like an unappreciated slave. I expect this from my young kids, but not from him.
I'm so over it.
Thanks for listening to my vent.

I am a man/dad with a wife who is a SAHM. I value her contributions immensely. We are a team. Her job is just as important as mine, often times more exhausting.

I have to tell you that while I have some sympathy because your husband seems like a slob, this really is your job. It is your job to have dinner ready (not saying that leftovers or something quick isn't totally appropriate). Cleaning is your job as is laundry and other home duties. While I am totally sympathetic to the fact that SAHM of infants don't have time for domestic duties (depending on the naps and temperment of kids) your kid is 7. He is in school. You have time to do all of this.

I usually help with dishes and bathtime for a host of reasons, but some days I am totally spent and need to chill (and some days my DW is totally spent and she needs to chill and I do both dishes and bath and bedtime). But you also have multiple hours of no kids at home while they are in school, so you have breaks he doesn't.

Again, you definitely have a reason to vent, we all do from time to time, but your overall assessment of being put on for domestic tasks seems to be out of proportion to what you signed up for when you agreed to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

How do you know she only has a 7yr old? maybe she is making an example using her oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling so resentful of my husband right now. I feel like he's just another child in our family and I'm so sick of feeling that way. Everytime he does something I ask him to do- like empty the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, etc. He just does such a half-assed and incomplete job that it ends up being easier for me to do it myself but then the anger just bubbles up and I feel so annoyed. Then when I try to bring it up to him, it sounds so petty. I don't care that he doesn't do it my way. I know I'm type A and like things done a certain way. I've let go of that. I just want things done and he is a grown ass man. For example, last night after dinner I asked him if he wanted to clean up from dinner or start a bath for our youngest daughter. He chose clean up from dinner. I give DD a bath, get her in her pj's and put a show on for her before bed and go to the kitchen and the table still has crumbs and placemats all over, pots on stove. All he did was put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk away. So now I gave the bath AND I have to clean up the rest of dinner. This is just time number 1000 that this has happened. When he empties the dishwasher he leaves a bunch of crap on the counter because he "wasn't sure where to put them". We've been in our house for a few years and if you aren't sure, just open the cabinets and see where they go! It's not fucking rocket science. Our 7 year old can (and does) do it.

I feel like I do so many little things he doesn't even realize to make life easier for him- one small example is that after I take a shower I put the nice new dry one right next to the shower so that when he goes in it will be right there for him rather than having to walk to the other side of the bathroom and grab it. Little things every day to make life smoother. No one ever does anything like that for me. I'm an afterthought.

The other night I didn't feel like cooking dinner and said do you want to go out. He didn't care and that's when it dawned on me that for him, every night is like a fucking restaurant! He comes to the table with dinner served and then gets up and walks away when he's done. I do all the work.
Yes I'm a SAHM but I am so tired of doing it all myself, especially when he does not currently have an especially demanding job. He's home a ton and spends plenty of time on hobbies and such. I feel like an unappreciated slave. I expect this from my young kids, but not from him.
I'm so over it.
Thanks for listening to my vent.

I am a man/dad with a wife who is a SAHM. I value her contributions immensely. We are a team. Her job is just as important as mine, often times more exhausting.

I have to tell you that while I have some sympathy because your husband seems like a slob, this really is your job. It is your job to have dinner ready (not saying that leftovers or something quick isn't totally appropriate). Cleaning is your job as is laundry and other home duties. While I am totally sympathetic to the fact that SAHM of infants don't have time for domestic duties (depending on the naps and temperment of kids) your kid is 7. He is in school. You have time to do all of this.

I usually help with dishes and bathtime for a host of reasons, but some days I am totally spent and need to chill (and some days my DW is totally spent and she needs to chill and I do both dishes and bath and bedtime). But you also have multiple hours of no kids at home while they are in school, so you have breaks he doesn't.

Again, you definitely have a reason to vent, we all do from time to time, but your overall assessment of being put on for domestic tasks seems to be out of proportion to what you signed up for when you agreed to be a SAHM.

I 100% agree. To DH and I a SAHM, cooks, cleans and makes the household run smoothly. DH's job is to make sure that there's enough money for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This has made me realize more and more that I need to either not have kids or be a working mom. We truly get the shit end of the deal. You either work outside the home and miss out on a significant part of your child's childhood but have help and can demand equal help at home. OR you get to see your kids but become a glorified maid and cook. Shoot me now.

Equality. Men have been in this boat for years, PP.

You're wrong. Men do not bear children and have the same level of burden that women do when it comes to childraising. I doubt your hormones, which cause bonding, made you cry when you went back to work.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting ready to wrap up my two year stint of staying at home. Have you discussed these issues with DH? And not just asking him to finish cleaning th kitchen, but discussed the issue about him not Doing so?

I get that when DH gets home, he's tired from working a full day. Our evenings are pretty low key. He comes home, plays with DS a little while I finish up dinner. We eat, DS and I read a couple of books while DH relaxes And then DH does bed time routine. Sometimes that involves bath but not always. Then I relax and DH either loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen then (although I generally clean as I go along since I hate a messy kitchen while I'm cooking) or he does it later. I don't care as long as it's done before bed. As for the other stuff, each day has something that gets cleaned. Other thank picking up daily messes, just that one thing gets clean. On Saturday or Sunday during nap, DH and I do a much bigger clean.

I don't go out of my way to create a hassle or resentment. If I decide to cook an elaborate meal using every pan in the cupboard and ingredients all over the place, I don't think I should make DH clean up since the elaborate meal was my choice. If you're annoyed about the towel, don't do it. He won't care and you're just allowing yourself to get annoyed by something you are choosing to do.

I feel bad because it does sound like he half asses things, but I think some of this situation has been caused by you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting ready to wrap up my two year stint of staying at home. Have you discussed these issues with DH? And not just asking him to finish cleaning th kitchen, but discussed the issue about him not Doing so?

I get that when DH gets home, he's tired from working a full day. Our evenings are pretty low key. He comes home, plays with DS a little while I finish up dinner. We eat, DS and I read a couple of books while DH relaxes And then DH does bed time routine. Sometimes that involves bath but not always. Then I relax and DH either loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen then (although I generally clean as I go along since I hate a messy kitchen while I'm cooking) or he does it later. I don't care as long as it's done before bed. As for the other stuff, each day has something that gets cleaned. Other thank picking up daily messes, just that one thing gets clean. On Saturday or Sunday during nap, DH and I do a much bigger clean.

I don't go out of my way to create a hassle or resentment. If I decide to cook an elaborate meal using every pan in the cupboard and ingredients all over the place, I don't think I should make DH clean up since the elaborate meal was my choice. If you're annoyed about the towel, don't do it. He won't care and you're just allowing yourself to get annoyed by something you are choosing to do.

I feel bad because it does sound like he half asses things, but I think some of this situation has been caused by you

Good advice.

If you ask him to do some minor, non-urgent cleaning task, and he doesn't do it, or does it half-assed, then just let it not get done. Once he realizes that it's not going to get done, unless he does it right, he'll either learn to step it up, or he just won't care. Either way, there's no reason for you to constantly stress about some things.

Obviously, this won't work for stuff like baths and childcare -- stuff that has to get done, but it might work for things like taking out the garbage, cleaning up minor messes, etc.

[Anonymous]

It is not about who does how much of what. It is that it all gets done and both of you get time alone and time together to relax. I am a SAHP of four children 10 and under. We work as a TEAM and both of us get plenty of time to pursue our hobbies and then time together. It is the only way that works. Some weeks I get most things done around the house, other weeks I get little done (sick kids, busy schedule etc). Good marriages need both partners to work together and stop the bloody bean counting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not about who does how much of what. It is that it all gets done and both of you get time alone and time together to relax. I am a SAHP of four children 10 and under. We work as a TEAM and both of us get plenty of time to pursue our hobbies and then time together. It is the only way that works. Some weeks I get most things done around the house, other weeks I get little done (sick kids, busy schedule etc). Good marriages need both partners to work together and stop the bloody bean counting.

+1

SAHM here - I work hard all day, he works hard all day, and we both pull together at night so we can relax TOGETHER. He appreciates my hard work to keep the household running and I appreciate him so much for not coming home and expecting me to fetch his slippers. We are a team, 100 percent dedicated to our kids and our family.