i wish my boyfriend was more motivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^She didnt bitch to anyone, these were observances that I and my siblings have made. Sorry, my mother was NOT a socialite and if she wanted to be one she certainly could have picked from a coterie of men better than my father. She genuinely married for love, not money, and I suppose that was her mistake. She should have found someone who was more fiscally responsible, both for her, himself, and his children. Her first priority was always her children, which was why she didnt go back to work. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on things, I know the truth. From seeing it with my own eyes.

honestly as someone with ample experience with mental health, it really sounds like your mom may have fostered a personality disorder in you. maybe BPD or DPD. the vitriol you have for what seems like an idyllic childhood free from want is... startling.

did you have any counseling when they got divorced.

Yes, I did. Several therapists and counselors. And no personality disorders diagnosed.

But I am curious what your phrase, "as someone with ample experience with mental health" means?

that's too bad, that means you are just shallow and gullible for listening to your mom's tale of woe.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed this with him OP? If so, what is his response?

If he has two "fancy" degrees already, then he is already on the right track in life. He is still relatively young to still branch out and seek a good career.

Perhaps he just needs some more time....??

Not sure.

Anyway, if after awhile you still feel like his just lacks true ambition, you and him are just not going to be compatible.

Ultimately it will be entirely up to you to decide if something like this would be a true deal-breaker for you future wise.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am a 27 year old female dating a 26 year old guy for over a year now. although i love him dearly and he has been a wonderful, kind and generous boyfriend, i find myself increasingly disheartened by his lack of career focus and direction. its not that he is a slacker, per se, he was a brilliant student and has completed 2 fancy degrees. he just doesn't seem to try harder to get a job and build a well paying career. we are talking about the future now and i'm worried that his lack of direction and drive professionally will negatively affect our goals (getting married, affording children etc). furthermore, i really want to be able to stay home with my children for a few years and i need him to be on the path to a well paying career so we can afford to do that.

any ideas on how to deal with this? am i being too superficial?

Your goal of wanting to be a stay at home Mum is commendable. It's the best gift you could ever give your children.

That said, you may very well be able to do that even if your future husband doesn't hop on the wagon for the rat race... you may have to lead a simpler lifestyle, but there's nothing wrong with that. Start saving as much as possible of your own income now, make realistic calculations, and keep in mind that a present father is way better than a high-earning one who's never there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you discussed this with him OP? If so, what is his response?

If he has two "fancy" degrees already, then he is already on the right track in life. He is still relatively young to still branch out and seek a good career.

Perhaps he just needs some more time....??

Not sure.

Anyway, if after awhile you still feel like his just lacks true ambition, you and him are just not going to be compatible.

Ultimately it will be entirely up to you to decide if something like this would be a true deal-breaker for you future wise.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for a thoughtful response. He is really smart and works hard once he is on a set path. He did really well in school and attended te top programs in his field (Middle East history). Upon graduation 2 years ago however, he realized that he doesn't want to work for CIA like he initial wanted to. These days he works for a private investigations company and earns an okay living for a 26 year old, especially compared to his peers who also majored in history and are making 29k at think tanks and non profits. He is clear he wants a job that is well paid but he doesn't want to branch out into the finance sector. I don't quite know how to help him find direction. It's not that he's lazy, he's jut lost and confused. He also keeps saying he wants to give me the option of staying home with out eventual children if I wanted. It's a wonderful idea but we need for him to be earning more so we can afford that, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you discussed this with him OP? If so, what is his response?

If he has two "fancy" degrees already, then he is already on the right track in life. He is still relatively young to still branch out and seek a good career.

Perhaps he just needs some more time....??

Not sure.

Anyway, if after awhile you still feel like his just lacks true ambition, you and him are just not going to be compatible.

Ultimately it will be entirely up to you to decide if something like this would be a true deal-breaker for you future wise.

Hope this helps.

What track would that be?

A degree is just a degree. It is not shorthand for a person's work ethic or ambitions.

OP, if you want a given lifestyle, then do the work to achieve it. Do not hitch your financial wagon to anyone else's star. A man is not a plan. YOU need to figure out how to achieve what YOU want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you discussed this with him OP? If so, what is his response?

If he has two "fancy" degrees already, then he is already on the right track in life. He is still relatively young to still branch out and seek a good career.

Perhaps he just needs some more time....??

Not sure.

Anyway, if after awhile you still feel like his just lacks true ambition, you and him are just not going to be compatible.

Ultimately it will be entirely up to you to decide if something like this would be a true deal-breaker for you future wise.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for a thoughtful response. He is really smart and works hard once he is on a set path. He did really well in school and attended te top programs in his field (Middle East history). Upon graduation 2 years ago however, he realized that he doesn't want to work for CIA like he initial wanted to. These days he works for a private investigations company and earns an okay living for a 26 year old, especially compared to his peers who also majored in history and are making 29k at think tanks and non profits. He is clear he wants a job that is well paid but he doesn't want to branch out into the finance sector. I don't quite know how to help him find direction. It's not that he's lazy, he's jut lost and confused. He also keeps saying he wants to give me the option of staying home with out eventual children if I wanted. It's a wonderful idea but we need for him to be earning more so we can afford that, you know?

It seems like you are both on the same page about you staying home with future kids, but it sounds like you are expecting a certain lifestyle when the time comes. The first hurdle of having one person stay home is to be sure that both people in the marriage agree with the decision. The second is making sure that you are willing to accept whatever lifestyle you can afford while living only on what he makes. If he doesn't want to go in a direction that might make him unhappy then you have to support him despite the fact he might make less than what you believe he could make. If the most important part for both of you is for you to be able to stay home, then you should focus on making that happen regardless of future income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, the only value of a man who is his role to bring in a paycheck. And women need birthing hips, but I believe that bonbons help fill those out.

YES, I do believe it is the role of the man to bring home the paycheck. Women can also bring home a paycheck but I don't respect any man who can't take of his family or who isn't at least trying. Bash me if you want, but these are my beliefs. If OP wants a man who can make her a SAHM she needs to be honest with her wants and go after a man who can make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, the only value of a man who is his role to bring in a paycheck. And women need birthing hips, but I believe that bonbons help fill those out.

YES, I do believe it is the role of the man to bring home the paycheck. Women can also bring home a paycheck but I don't respect any man who can't take of his family or who isn't at least trying. Bash me if you want, but these are my beliefs. If OP wants a man who can make her a SAHM she needs to be honest with her wants and go after a man who can make it happen.

Holy shit this has hypocrisy written all over it.

What if I said I believe the wife should be the one cleaning the house and cooking all the meals? You'd probably say I was sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am a 27 year old female dating a 26 year old guy for over a year now. although i love him dearly and he has been a wonderful, kind and generous boyfriend, i find myself increasingly disheartened by his lack of career focus and direction. its not that he is a slacker, per se, he was a brilliant student and has completed 2 fancy degrees. he just doesn't seem to try harder to get a job and build a well paying career. we are talking about the future now and i'm worried that his lack of direction and drive professionally will negatively affect our goals (getting married, affording children etc). furthermore, i really want to be able to stay home with my children for a few years and i need him to be on the path to a well paying career so we can afford to do that.

any ideas on how to deal with this? am i being too superficial?

If he's 26, he may just be finding his place after working to earn 2 degrees. He may not be in a rush at 26. I was still sort of finding myself at that age. That being said, he may never be super ambitious and money-oriented. There are all kinds of people.

If you're the kind of person that does value that, and expects a DH to have the same values, maybe you aren't a match. You need to think about this long and hard, talk to him, etc., before you get married and have kids. Ask yourself if you would be okay with him never being an ambitious, high-earner. It sounds like you already know that answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, the only value of a man who is his role to bring in a paycheck. And women need birthing hips, but I believe that bonbons help fill those out.

YES, I do believe it is the role of the man to bring home the paycheck. Women can also bring home a paycheck but I don't respect any man who can't take of his family or who isn't at least trying. Bash me if you want, but these are my beliefs. If OP wants a man who can make her a SAHM she needs to be honest with her wants and go after a man who can make it happen.

x2.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with those who are telling you to move on. You've only been dating a little over a year, so you haven't wasted that much time. People say a lot of things when they are first dating, and it's best to take them with a grain of salt until they show you who they really are. Too many times people say they want to get a great job and have a family when they really mean "I wish I was the kind of person who wanted to get a great job and have a family." He's showing you that he is a brilliant student but a slacker. These people don't make enough money to support a SAH spouse for years on end.

If you are wishing he was a different kind of person now, you are going to be tearing your hair out in five years when he is in the exact same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you discussed this with him OP? If so, what is his response?

If he has two "fancy" degrees already, then he is already on the right track in life. He is still relatively young to still branch out and seek a good career.

Perhaps he just needs some more time....??

Not sure.

Anyway, if after awhile you still feel like his just lacks true ambition, you and him are just not going to be compatible.

Ultimately it will be entirely up to you to decide if something like this would be a true deal-breaker for you future wise.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for a thoughtful response. He is really smart and works hard once he is on a set path. He did really well in school and attended te top programs in his field (Middle East history). Upon graduation 2 years ago however, he realized that he doesn't want to work for CIA like he initial wanted to. These days he works for a private investigations company and earns an okay living for a 26 year old, especially compared to his peers who also majored in history and are making 29k at think tanks and non profits. He is clear he wants a job that is well paid but he doesn't want to branch out into the finance sector. I don't quite know how to help him find direction. It's not that he's lazy, he's jut lost and confused. He also keeps saying he wants to give me the option of staying home with out eventual children if I wanted. It's a wonderful idea but we need for him to be earning more so we can afford that, you know?

I'm one of the posters that said either you find a way to help contribute to the SAH dream (saving up money, investments etc) or find the older guy more established in his career that wants his wife to be a SAHM. That said, realize that no matter your plan, this could all be moot. You may not be able to get pregnant, you may need expensive IVF treatments, he could have this great high paying career and he gets laid off when you are pregnant... So you have to be willing to get rid of an otherwise great guy for a situation that may not happen. Something like have kid/not having kids is a pretty all or nothing decision, there is no partially doing it or having kids and changing your mind 5 years later. Being a SAH parent is a little more fluid, circumstances can change and you can adjust the SAH periods or even by primarily a SAH with a small part-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^She didnt bitch to anyone, these were observances that I and my siblings have made. Sorry, my mother was NOT a socialite and if she wanted to be one she certainly could have picked from a coterie of men better than my father. She genuinely married for love, not money, and I suppose that was her mistake. She should have found someone who was more fiscally responsible, both for her, himself, and his children. Her first priority was always her children, which was why she didnt go back to work. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on things, I know the truth. From seeing it with my own eyes.

Why do you hate your father so much? You have extreme daddy issues, making you a prime candidate for an easy, effortless pumping and dumping.

LOL! Good luck with that dude. My boyfriend would find that hilarious. It took him a while to get into my pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, because you're the idiots who demand a man "of your peers," who has as many worthless, bullshit degrees as you do. Just so you can claim he's "highly educated."

Um? What? You sound bitter and crazed as hell. Seek help please. I'm guessing some chick kicked you to the curb for a smart guy and now you're a bitter brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, the only value of a man who is his role to bring in a paycheck. And women need birthing hips, but I believe that bonbons help fill those out.

YES, I do believe it is the role of the man to bring home the paycheck. Women can also bring home a paycheck but I don't respect any man who can't take of his family or who isn't at least trying. Bash me if you want, but these are my beliefs. If OP wants a man who can make her a SAHM she needs to be honest with her wants and go after a man who can make it happen.

Holy shit this has hypocrisy written all over it.

What if I said I believe the wife should be the one cleaning the house and cooking all the meals? You'd probably say I was sexist.

If I were a SAHM damn right the house would be clean and all meals would be made. It's not sexist. Some people believe in traditional roles.