i wish my boyfriend was more motivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run, I married a man like this and it has been a disaster financially. He jumps jobs often. He is highly educated but it hasn't translated financially.

Yes, the only value of a man who is his role to bring in a paycheck. And women need birthing hips, but I believe that bonbons help fill those out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, his job for the government involves a lot of travel. So we actually saw him WAY less- in fact for a few years he actually lived overseas, much to my family's chagrin.

Also, I forgot to finish my sentence about paying for college. To clarify, we didnt know there was hardly any money in our college funds. No one really told us, and my mother wasn't aware of the amounts because my father had told her there was more in them. So when it was time to apply to colleges, my father encouraged us to go to expensive, private, out of state universities, with extremely expensive tuition. The idea of getting student loans was never presented to us until AFTER our first semester, which was pretty much all that was covered by the college fund. So we very quickly had to figure out how to fill out a FAFSA and apply for loans and look into transferring schools, but we were already attending extremely expensive schools and plugged into that school culture.

PP I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous to be complaining when it was clearly your choice to stay at the expensive school. You are trying to make yourself this poor victim of your awful father, but you chose to stay. Now you have to pay that money back.

Of course I do. I actually didnt stay at the school, I transferred out. However, one semester at an extremely expensive out of state private school steal means tens of thousands in student loan debt, as do the subsequent semesters at the cheaper school I went to. Sorry, it's not as cut and dry as you are making it out to be. A father has a responsibility to accurately prepare a child for their difficulties they are about to face, particularly when they raise that child with the expectation that those difficulties wont exist for them.

So your mom was a banker and didnt get the memo that your dad wasn't ambitious when he got a JOB WITH THE GOVT? At that point, she should have gone back to work, not "rise in the ranks of volunteer boards" (WTF does that even mean, is there that much competition between all these SAHM to look important?). And I suspect after a decade of living frugally, she might have been keen to keeping any eye on the bank accounts for the college fund (you, the money was in the industry she used to work in).

There is much more dirty laundry on your family, your mom did something that ended her career besides have some kids. You will probably hear about it on someone's death bed.

LOL! Thats hysterical. All the dirty laundry came out during the divorce and trust me, that wasn't it. We didnt live THAT frugally, belonged to am extremely exclusive country club, two of us attended private schools actually- expensive ones where the cost was similar to that of a college. Which is what made the absence of money in the college fund so baffling. The frugal aspect was, as I said, no extras- not really going out to eat, having vacations which were frugal and usually involved state parks. It was a big comedown in lifestyle for my mother, who had grown up going to the theatre once a month. We were never in dire financial straits or even the kind where my mother really had to work outside the home and... get this... she was actually REALLY close with her children and none of us wanted to have her gone and unreachable for large parts of our day.

[Anonymous]

No such thing as a perfect man OP. Oh and no such thing as a perfect woman either, so while you stress about whether he's worth investing in considering all he's lacking just remember you're lacking something(s) too and he's taking a risk investing in you as well.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

PP can you start your own thread about your frugal upbringing with an expensive country club membership?
And a SAHM ex banker who couldn't figure out how to look at a statement for college fund?
And finally a thread about tens of thousand of dollars in student loans for one semester that you previously said was paid for until the college fund ran out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP can you start your own thread about your frugal upbringing with an expensive country club membership?
And a SAHM ex banker who couldn't figure out how to look at a statement for college fund?
And finally a thread about tens of thousand of dollars in student loans for one semester that you previously said was paid for until the college fund ran out.

How hard is it to understand:

There are 8 semesters of college.

First semester was paid for, the second was not. (Nor subsequent ones)

I finished out the year at the very expensive private school, before transferring.

So: 2 of 8 semesters were at the private school. One paid for by college fund, the other was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:




OP, my father married my mother and it was a very similar situation. She was actually VP at a national bank, at age 26, when she met my father, who had his masters and a Princeton degree and was roughly the same age, making maybe a couple thousand more. He assured he he was ambitious and wanted to make a lot of money (my mom comes from money and is generally an ambitious, industrious person), and they both talked about how they wanted her to SAHM. So she did- she gave up her career to raise us kids, and....
my father, who is not as motivated as my mother, gave up his lucrative banking career to take one working for the govt. His salary has stagnated over the past 20 years and he didnt make enough money to fund college funds. We had an okay lifestyle, but just barely getting by- not a lot of dinners out, no nice vacations, etc etc etc. My mother's lifestyle plummeted. After a few years she had four children, and had been out of the workplace for years. She likes to keep busy, so she headed many charitable organizations and the PTA. But these efforts never brought in money. And my father's motivation just decreased over time.

After about 20 years, they got a divorce. My mother did not get a lot of alimony, and had to go back to work making a pittance of what she once made. All of us children have college debt- the two oldest have substantial because we really never realized or were told that we would have to pay our way through college (both parents had their colleges fully paid for).

The moral of the story being- when someone tells you that they aren't ambitious- LISTEN TO THEM. It gets worse after you have a ring on your finger, have been out of the workplace, and basically have no financial negotiating power. if thats the life you want, find someone on the same page- and I promise there are many that share that desire. If not in the DC area, plenty in the south. And they will be thrilled that you want to raise your kids at home. Find someone who wants it- dont try to convince yourself this guy can do it when it sounds like you know in your heart that he cannot.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."- Maya Angelou

Well it sounds like your mother lacked ambition. She is the one who gave up a "career" in banking to stay at home and head the PTA. 20 years of staying at home....and it his fault....really? Maybe when you get older you will rethink this situation.


You seem to think that every time a woman chooses to stay home, it's because her only motivation is to not work at a job. And to lay on the couch eating bon bons. When i can tell you, my mother is EXTREMELY hardworking and loves working outside of the home. I'm confused as to why you would say that she's lacking ambition when she rose through the ranks of her various charities extremely quickly and in fact was much more industrious and busy than my father. I guess because she wasn't earning money, that doesnt fit the only narrative or measure you seem to have for "working hard". But in fact, SAHM is very hard work, as is running various charities. So sit down, because you dont know what the hell you're talking about

Well let's see your mother did her charities(not really in the SAHM job description) and chose not to work- ie the charities were more important vs the money she could contributed to the household if she entered the work force. She did this for over 20 years. Now your father(who was not ambitious and did not earn enough according to you and your mother) had to worked to support your family with four kids for over 20 years. Could your mother have done her charity work without your father working? Glad your mother was able to find herself and sell you a bunch of shit out how your father did not work hard enough or make enough for you and her because he lacked ambition. She could have worked ...she could have worked her way through the business world like she did with various charities. What your mother wanted was a rich man so she could be a socialite. So I was mistaken your mother does have ambition to be a socialite. You may love your mom and hate your dad, but really? SAH mom or dad does not mean rising through the ranks of various charities while bitching to your four children that your spouse lacks ambition and does not make enough money. She comes off as a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

^She didnt bitch to anyone, these were observances that I and my siblings have made. Sorry, my mother was NOT a socialite and if she wanted to be one she certainly could have picked from a coterie of men better than my father. She genuinely married for love, not money, and I suppose that was her mistake. She should have found someone who was more fiscally responsible, both for her, himself, and his children. Her first priority was always her children, which was why she didnt go back to work. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on things, I know the truth. From seeing it with my own eyes.

[Anonymous]

this thread took a surprising turn into a cautionary tale about marrying a young female banker.
She will drop out of the work force and be so masterful in her ways that your children will be mad at you for not financing their lifestyle.
My favorite part is the mother feigning surprise that the college funds are empty. And the indignant daughter still lamenting those frugal trips into nature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this thread took a surprising turn into a cautionary tale about marrying a young female banker.
She will drop out of the work force and be so masterful in her ways that your children will be mad at you for not financing their lifestyle.
My favorite part is the mother feigning surprise that the college funds are empty. And the indignant daughter still lamenting those frugal trips into nature

Yes, if you are unwilling to support your family and dont want then upset with you for not providing a college fund on your 200k+ salary, please not marry a female banker. In fact, dont marry anyone. You are probably better off alone.

[Anonymous]

I think PP's mother wins the "turning children against the father" award in the post divorce category

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^She didnt bitch to anyone, these were observances that I and my siblings have made. Sorry, my mother was NOT a socialite and if she wanted to be one she certainly could have picked from a coterie of men better than my father. She genuinely married for love, not money, and I suppose that was her mistake. She should have found someone who was more fiscally responsible, both for her, himself, and his children. Her first priority was always her children, which was why she didnt go back to work. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on things, I know the truth. From seeing it with my own eyes.

honestly as someone with ample experience with mental health, it really sounds like your mom may have fostered a personality disorder in you. maybe BPD or DPD. the vitriol you have for what seems like an idyllic childhood free from want is... startling.

did you have any counseling when they got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think PP's mother wins the "turning children against the father" award in the post divorce category

Aw, I'll tell her. Maybe I can get her a coffee mug with that emblazoned on it or something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^She didnt bitch to anyone, these were observances that I and my siblings have made. Sorry, my mother was NOT a socialite and if she wanted to be one she certainly could have picked from a coterie of men better than my father. She genuinely married for love, not money, and I suppose that was her mistake. She should have found someone who was more fiscally responsible, both for her, himself, and his children. Her first priority was always her children, which was why she didnt go back to work. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on things, I know the truth. From seeing it with my own eyes.

honestly as someone with ample experience with mental health, it really sounds like your mom may have fostered a personality disorder in you. maybe BPD or DPD. the vitriol you have for what seems like an idyllic childhood free from want is... startling.

did you have any counseling when they got divorced.

Yes, I did. Several therapists and counselors. And no personality disorders diagnosed.

But I am curious what your phrase, "as someone with ample experience with mental health" means?

[Anonymous]

Stop bitching about your boyfriend not being ambitious enough. The only person you have control over is YOU. If money is important to you, go earn it yourself. Your boyfriend will be happier being a SAHP. Let him or dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i am a 27 year old female dating a 26 year old guy for over a year now. although i love him dearly and he has been a wonderful, kind and generous boyfriend, i find myself increasingly disheartened by his lack of career focus and direction. its not that he is a slacker, per se, he was a brilliant student and has completed 2 fancy degrees. he just doesn't seem to try harder to get a job and build a well paying career. we are talking about the future now and i'm worried that his lack of direction and drive professionally will negatively affect our goals (getting married, affording children etc). furthermore, i really want to be able to stay home with my children for a few years and i need him to be on the path to a well paying career so we can afford to do that.

any ideas on how to deal with this? am i being too superficial?

Why do you demand career ambition from him when you, yourself, plan to be just a mommy?

I don't plan to be "just" a mommy. This in itself is severely insulting to mothers anywhere. Motherhood takes a lot of work!

I do want to not be nursing a new born and trying to meet deadlines at work. Ideally, I'd like to take 3-4 years off to focus on kids and go back to work.

Then figure out how to save money so you can work half-time or buy a great house in the city with a rental unit that can supplement your income while you work part-time. This is what we were able to do.

This. I actually had more than one friend that saved up substantial money from her job in order to stay at home 2-5 years. So it isn't out of the realm of possibility that you could be the ambitious one and bank the money in order to SAH for a few years.

I think the bigger issue is that either he is making financial plans without a real plan on how to achieve it or he isn't being honest with you about willing to be the main breadwinner. For example, if you look at houses, would he look at one with a rental unit, or go for a townhouse instead of SFH and make the type of compromises needed for you to SAH or would he still insist that it could be done on just his salary when it would put you in a precarious financial situation to do so?

I'm with the pp that said if the man is your plan you better plan for a different man. I wouldn't expect him to suddenly change. Either you have to step up and make sure the finances are right for you to SAH or you need a different guy. I'm assuming that he keeps a job and works hard at his job but doesn't particulary plan out moves to get higher paying jobs. If he has problems keeping jobs/lazy at work, that would be a whole different problem that won't get better with marriage and children.