Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Well you are mistaken. I just seem to have this weird belief that if you SAH with your kids, keeping your house clean is one of the things you should do, and your husband expecting that doesn't make him an asshole. My husband held up his part of the bargain in being the one to work all day and financially provide and not expecting me to do the same. So I held up my end and took care of things at home that enabled him to do that. My kids are 6, 8 and 14 now. When they were little, every time they pulled something out, we (I) put it away before moving onto the next thing. I didn't (and still do not) leave the house when it's messy. It's not rocket science. It's much easier to clean for 5-10 minutes multiple times throughout the day, then let the house turn into a cluster-fuck from not doing anything until dinner/bedtime.

OP seems to have a clear idea of why she did it and why she continues to do it. Like a PP said, totally bait and switch. What OP needs to figure out is he how is going to deal with this going forward, because he's going to just get increasingly more and more resentful. And the longer his wife stays out of the workforce, the harder it's going to be to get back in.

Surely you are old enough to realize there are two sides to every story. If OP is committed to making his marriage work and getting rid of his resentment, he needs to learn her side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

We had this dynamic until I realized it was my own frustration driving things and not really my concern about our family. I stopped asking this way and stopped expecting a different answer and really began asking what about our long term future? I began listening and really there isn't much given to me beyond this is what I want (no explanation about what changed, no long term thoughts, nothing beyond this is where I am now and this is what I can handle. There's nothing I can do with that beyond try to accept it, so I have stepped away and started counseling. Right now, we have no long terms plans that would encompass her returning to work because she won't even engage in this sort of discussion. I am left holding the bag and coming up with a plan alone and I find it resentful because this isn't what I signed up for. But I'm here and trying to make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

+1. She isn't going to talk with you unless you are truly willing to hear what she is saying, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You need to work with your own therapist on your listening skills. No wonder she's crying-- SAHM isn't a good fit for her, having two little kids is exhausting, her marriage is in trouble, her husband is not listening, and finding a job is really hard when you have been out of the workforce and have family responsibilities. Boo hoody hoo it isn't what you planned, back when both of you were young and energetic and had no clue what parenting is really like. Nobody has the right to the life they planned on having.

It sounds like you will accept nothing other than having her go back to work, regardless of what she says, so you're being pretty unilateral yourself. Yet you still haven't explained how she can work with your current job being un-family-friendly. How many days a month can you miss for kid stuff? Can you miss work on short notice if a kid wakes up in the morning with a fever? You need to get real about the logistics before you start making demands of your wife.

[Anonymous]

The problem you have is that you are completely convinced that your wife is the problem. You think she has become lazy and disinterested and is at fault for not making money and not cleaning to the level of satisfaction you yourself enjoy while you are the poor victim making the donuts with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

If you want your relationship and home life to change, then you need to do more than point out all her faults and all of your disappointment and think about how the hell you can step up and be part of a solution. I guarantee your wife is not thrilled with you if every day you come home and bitch about how unclean the house is and how she needs to go get a job. And if you say no, I don't do that, I'm supportive -- your resentment is probably coming out in other ways. I am sure she fully comprehends your feelings on the situation, but I'm not convinced you're thinking of hers other than how she can change to fit better with what YOU want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

C'mon now- you must know that tears are often used as a tactic to shut a conversation down. Not always, but with some people you once the tears start flowing the conversation stops (woman here, if that matters)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

C'mon now- you must know that tears are often used as a tactic to shut a conversation down. Not always, but with some people you once the tears start flowing the conversation stops (woman here, if that matters)

I know it happens, but it doesn't have to. OP needs to not give in to it. Say something like "I'm sorry you are upset, but it is really important to me that we discuss this issue." If the OP can't handle a few tears, maybe he should work on that.

In this case it doesn't really matter though. It sounds like OP's wife is stonewalling him and will continue to do so until she chooses to stop. They need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

+1. She isn't going to talk with you unless you are truly willing to hear what she is saying, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You need to work with your own therapist on your listening skills. No wonder she's crying-- SAHM isn't a good fit for her, having two little kids is exhausting, her marriage is in trouble, her husband is not listening, and finding a job is really hard when you have been out of the workforce and have family responsibilities. Boo hoody hoo it isn't what you planned, back when both of you were young and energetic and had no clue what parenting is really like. Nobody has the right to the life they planned on having.

It sounds like you will accept nothing other than having her go back to work, regardless of what she says, so you're being pretty unilateral yourself. Yet you still haven't explained how she can work with your current job being un-family-friendly. How many days a month can you miss for kid stuff? Can you miss work on short notice if a kid wakes up in the morning with a fever? You need to get real about the logistics before you start making demands of your wife.

Nobody has the right to shrug off financial responsibilities just because they don't feel like it anymore. Absent in your justification of his wife's behavior is her de facto forcing him to become a sole breadwinner with no accounting of what it does to the family budget, and his feelings, too. Just because she feels like staying at home doesn't mean he has to "respect" her feelings by letting her do that. She halved the family's bank account unilaterally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem you have is that you are completely convinced that your wife is the problem. You think she has become lazy and disinterested and is at fault for not making money and not cleaning to the level of satisfaction you yourself enjoy while you are the poor victim making the donuts with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

If you want your relationship and home life to change, then you need to do more than point out all her faults and all of your disappointment and think about how the hell you can step up and be part of a solution. I guarantee your wife is not thrilled with you if every day you come home and bitch about how unclean the house is and how she needs to go get a job. And if you say no, I don't do that, I'm supportive -- your resentment is probably coming out in other ways. I am sure she fully comprehends your feelings on the situation, but I'm not convinced you're thinking of hers other than how she can change to fit better with what YOU want.

You say this like people are entitled to do what they want, even if it goes against their basic responsibilities. A family and a household needs money to function. That's a basic fact of life. You don't get to make it go away because you "simply can't cope", much less so through a unilateral decision. Houses need to get cleaned. That's also a fact of life. You don't get to get out of cleaning because you don't feel like it, certainly not on a regular basis. No one is entitled to support when their position is unsupportable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

+1. She isn't going to talk with you unless you are truly willing to hear what she is saying, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You need to work with your own therapist on your listening skills. No wonder she's crying-- SAHM isn't a good fit for her, having two little kids is exhausting, her marriage is in trouble, her husband is not listening, and finding a job is really hard when you have been out of the workforce and have family responsibilities. Boo hoody hoo it isn't what you planned, back when both of you were young and energetic and had no clue what parenting is really like. Nobody has the right to the life they planned on having.

It sounds like you will accept nothing other than having her go back to work, regardless of what she says, so you're being pretty unilateral yourself. Yet you still haven't explained how she can work with your current job being un-family-friendly. How many days a month can you miss for kid stuff? Can you miss work on short notice if a kid wakes up in the morning with a fever? You need to get real about the logistics before you start making demands of your wife.

Nobody has the right to shrug off financial responsibilities just because they don't feel like it anymore. Absent in your justification of his wife's behavior is her de facto forcing him to become a sole breadwinner with no accounting of what it does to the family budget, and his feelings, too. Just because she feels like staying at home doesn't mean he has to "respect" her feelings by letting her do that. She halved the family's bank account unilaterally.

Well, she was laid off, so not sure if unilateral is the right word. Also, "halved the family bank account" doesn't sound right, if her salary barely covered the cost of one child in daycare.

[Anonymous]

She quit. Read the posts PP.

[Anonymous]

OP: Can you work on your communication issues with your wife and try to find a healthy balance that you can both live with?

If the answer is yes, then go do that. How much more do you need to have discussed here? This is looping something fierce...

[Anonymous]

I think OP was trying to find people who stayed home but went back to work

[Anonymous]

She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

I'm confused, that just confirms she did not make anything close to half their income as her salary paid for little other than child care and her benefits.

OP, I was a SAH who went back to work and yes, that commonly happens. But trying to force her into it isn't going to do anything other than compound the issues in your marriage. Agree with pp that there isn't anything else people on this thread can do for you; this is at bottom about communication issues between you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

I am absolutely blown away by the (almost certainly SAHMs) on this post who seem to think it's perfectly ok for OP's wife to do what she's doing. Seems to me he is an eminently reasonable guy who is in a crappy situation through little fault of his own. Like a PP said - you don't just unilaterally decide, in a marriage, that you aren't going to work anymore. And you don't just give up on your responsibilities within the household if you don't work, either - sounds like the house isn't being kept up, the child still at home would be better off in another setting (according to OP), etc.

How would all of you feel if your breadwinner husbands just threw up their hands and said - "eh, I don't want to work anymore, and I'm just not going to. Period." Not great, I suspect!