Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

I'm confused, that just confirms she did not make anything close to half their income as her salary paid for little other than child care and her benefits.

OP, I was a SAH who went back to work and yes, that commonly happens. But trying to force her into it isn't going to do anything other than compound the issues in your marriage. Agree with pp that there isn't anything else people on this thread can do for you; this is at bottom about communication issues between you and your wife.

How do you know what their HHI is? I have two kids the same age and pay nearly $4k/mo in childcare - equivalent to a 60k salary WITHOUT including retirement, healthcare, and anything additional. She could easily have been making $75k.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. From what I know, DW quit her job because she wasn't happy there with the idea of looking for something else. That

Learn to read. This lady quit her job. Read people. Then judge.

[Anonymous]

Op it sounds to me like your wife is depressed. If she can't have a conversation with you about this without shutting down or crying, then something is clearly wrong. I think its actually quite impressive that you are going to therapy yourself. I don't know ANY men who would proactively do that - but I think she needs therapy too. You both need to go together because there is a lack of communication going on here and its not fair to either of you.

Sit her down and tell her that you feel like your marriage is suffering because you are both unable to communicate with each other. Tell her you are unhappy and you really need her to get on board with this or you are concerned your marriage will fall apart. I think she needs to hear at least "some" kind of threat...because right now it seems like she just assumes you will put up with this life even if she does nothing to change it.

I get what all these others are saying about SAHMs and how they should be able to handle xyz....but none of them are your wife, and none of them know exactly what she is going through. Maybe she feels scared about looking for work. Maybe she is so depressed that she just can't handle much of anything right now. You really won't find out any of this until you go to counseling together. That is what I would suggest.

[Anonymous]

I did not see anywhere in OPs posts that prior to becoming a SAHM, his wife expressed desire to continue working after children are born. We also don't know whether OP's wife knew that her being a SAHM would cause so much distress to the husband. So in a gist, OP expected her to work but his expectations were not met. There is obvious miscommunication between spouses that should be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not see anywhere in OPs posts that prior to becoming a SAHM, his wife expressed desire to continue working after children are born. We also don't know whether OP's wife knew that her being a SAHM would cause so much distress to the husband. So in a gist, OP expected her to work but his expectations were not met. There is obvious miscommunication between spouses that should be addressed.

Did you see it anywhere in his posts that his wife expressed a desire to become a SAHM after children are born? What makes you think SAH is a default option that doesn't even need to be discussed? You think SAH is something that is available to women just because they want to?

[Anonymous]

All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

I'm confused, that just confirms she did not make anything close to half their income as her salary paid for little other than child care and her benefits.

OP, I was a SAH who went back to work and yes, that commonly happens. But trying to force her into it isn't going to do anything other than compound the issues in your marriage. Agree with pp that there isn't anything else people on this thread can do for you; this is at bottom about communication issues between you and your wife.

You know this ... how? OP hasn't said what his income is relative to what hers was. And in any case, retirement savings and good health insurance is nothing to sneeze at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

I'm confused, that just confirms she did not make anything close to half their income as her salary paid for little other than child care and her benefits.

OP, I was a SAH who went back to work and yes, that commonly happens. But trying to force her into it isn't going to do anything other than compound the issues in your marriage. Agree with pp that there isn't anything else people on this thread can do for you; this is at bottom about communication issues between you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not see anywhere in OPs posts that prior to becoming a SAHM, his wife expressed desire to continue working after children are born. We also don't know whether OP's wife knew that her being a SAHM would cause so much distress to the husband. So in a gist, OP expected her to work but his expectations were not met. There is obvious miscommunication between spouses that should be addressed.

She did not express a desire to SAH after the children were born, either. She didn't express anything. She just did what she wanted to do.

Why would you assume that a working adult would need to express a "desire to continue working after children are born" in order for that to apply? Your post suggests that SAH is the default status in the absence of a discussion to the contrary. Which it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not see anywhere in OPs posts that prior to becoming a SAHM, his wife expressed desire to continue working after children are born. We also don't know whether OP's wife knew that her being a SAHM would cause so much distress to the husband. So in a gist, OP expected her to work but his expectations were not met. There is obvious miscommunication between spouses that should be addressed.

Did you see it anywhere in his posts that his wife expressed a desire to become a SAHM after children are born? What makes you think SAH is a default option that doesn't even need to be discussed? You think SAH is something that is available to women just because they want to?

No I did not, which again supports my idea about the miscommunication. This is why we should not take sides as we only hear OP's part of the story.
You made way too many assumptions about me and my attitude toward women's (un) employment. Just to set you straight, I think the default option in the SAHM vs WOHM argument is not to judge other people's choices.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read through the pages and pages, but I feel your pain. My DH just quit his job one day to go back to school without consulting me. He never got a job after graduating and is now a SAHD. I married and had kids with someone that was a working adult who had his crap together and had goals and even considered whether I should be SAH, which I expressed a clear desire to do and am more capable of doing (not because I'm a woman, just because I'm better at the tasks involved). I wouldn't have done that with someone who barely keeps up with the household on a good day. I was mad for years about it but finally have just made my peace. Harboring the resentment does no one any good - I chose a good guy/poor partner but I'm in it for a long haul so I focus on the good guy part. To be frank, I doubt your wife will ever understand the pressure she put on you or how much it hurt not to be consulted about a choice that you are negatively impacted by every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Op, my brother is in the same situation. His wife has been unemployed since she was pregnant. Their child is almost 3 years old. She complains about being bored yet refuses to join any mommy groups. She has a serious spending habit but refuses to seriously look for a job. She also has about 100k in student loans, so my brother has to shoulder all the burden including paying off her hefty student loans. The only good thing is that she keeps house very well, there house is always spotless and well decorated. It's a real sore spot in their marriage, so I'm sure your story is more common than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.