Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

He just got caught by the oldest game in the book, the bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

But not all men want a SAHM. You're lucky yours was okay with it.

[Anonymous]

File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

File it under....

Women will pretend to be something they are not to get the ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

And things married couples need to revisit every time their situation changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month.

You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you.

First of all, daycare is an expense counted against BOTH parents' salaries. Not hers, not his, BOTH. So it's not "her" salary paying daycare costs; it is the household income paying those costs.

Second: Working is about more than today's take-home pay. It is about retirement benefits, healthcare, an investment in one's career (which pays off in higher earnings as time goes by). The list goes on. And daycare is a short-term proposition, relative to one's career. Yes, it is expensive and eats into income - we were in the red for several years when we had both a nanny and part-time preschool - but that is only for a few years. In the longer run, that becomes negligible vis-a-vis the income that a parent who continues to work earns compared to what s/he would have earned had s/he left the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

File it under....

Women will pretend to be something they are not to get the ring.

Nope, not so. Situations change, children change everything, people change. Spouses need to roll with those punches and keep talking about what they (jointly) want as their situation changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

File it under....

Women will pretend to be something they are not to get the ring.

I assume you are also 9:35.

For you, I would recommend some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

OP, I sympathize with you. Yes, it is hard to be the sole breadwinner. Yes, she should not make decisions without your input. Yet you say "I am going to put the younger one in preschool"-- what about her input into that decision?

It sounds like you don't really get what she's going through. Bearing children is really hard on the body, and your kids are really little and physically demanding. Your wife is at the end of a long marathon of pregnancy, night feedings, etc., and it's probably pretty tough for her to feel confident and mentally sharp. It takes a long time to truly recover from pregnancy, especially while caring for a toddler.

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff. In addition to pumping if she's breastfeeding! It's hard to contemplate starting a new job, after being out of the workforce, and not being able to give 100% due to the kids and pumping. Parenting is a role, but there is also a lot of very time-consuming work that goes along with it, so it is a job. And if you are not doing your share, then it will fall to her. She is right to be realistic about this.

[Anonymous]

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff.

I actually did and really enjoyed being more involved. I did drop offs and had a job that was more family friendly (I left it to make more because I am the sole earner which sucks but is what it is). I am really hands on even now. I just find the whole being a SAHM thing to make the working parent's life easier to not at all be true in my experience. I am contributing by working and spending every minute until the kids are sleeping contributing (I don't take breaks at night since I consider the flexibility of working -- where you get breaks -- to be enough for me). I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

I get your point about time and patience. I am going to try to focus on that.

As for the preschool thing, it's a non-negotiable for the kids' benefit. We both agree on it initially although I am starting to see pangs of regret on my wife's end. I think it's truly the best for the kids and keeping our younger out of school (because he's the baby) is almost selfish and stunting and unfair that the child. I haven't stood up for much with all of this, but it's the one stand I am absolutely sticking to (and one I have been vocal and open about forever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff.

I actually did and really enjoyed being more involved. I did drop offs and had a job that was more family friendly (I left it to make more because I am the sole earner which sucks but is what it is). I am really hands on even now. I just find the whole being a SAHM thing to make the working parent's life easier to not at all be true in my experience. I am contributing by working and spending every minute until the kids are sleeping contributing (I don't take breaks at night since I consider the flexibility of working -- where you get breaks -- to be enough for me). I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

I get your point about time and patience. I am going to try to focus on that.

As for the preschool thing, it's a non-negotiable for the kids' benefit. We both agree on it initially although I am starting to see pangs of regret on my wife's end. I think it's truly the best for the kids and keeping our younger out of school (because he's the baby) is almost selfish and stunting and unfair that the child. I haven't stood up for much with all of this, but it's the one stand I am absolutely sticking to (and one I have been vocal and open about forever).

Glad you get it. I agree that kids get a lot out of preschool. But how would it work, then, with your current job that is less family friendly? Would you change jobs? You and your wife need to go to therapy and talk this all out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff.

I actually did and really enjoyed being more involved. I did drop offs and had a job that was more family friendly (I left it to make more because I am the sole earner which sucks but is what it is). I am really hands on even now. I just find the whole being a SAHM thing to make the working parent's life easier to not at all be true in my experience. I am contributing by working and spending every minute until the kids are sleeping contributing (I don't take breaks at night since I consider the flexibility of working -- where you get breaks -- to be enough for me). I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

I get your point about time and patience. I am going to try to focus on that.

As for the preschool thing, it's a non-negotiable for the kids' benefit. We both agree on it initially although I am starting to see pangs of regret on my wife's end. I think it's truly the best for the kids and keeping our younger out of school (because he's the baby) is almost selfish and stunting and unfair that the child. I haven't stood up for much with all of this, but it's the one stand I am absolutely sticking to (and one I have been vocal and open about forever).

There are lots of different types of preschools, OP. Most families with a stay at home parent sent their kids to a part-time program, usually mornings only, starting a couple of days a week and gradually increasing the number of days over time. My DS is going to be in kindergarten next year and his preschool is 5 days a week from 9-12, and it is PLENTY. If I needed the childcare I would send him to FT preschool but short of that there is no reason you have to do that. You can save money and still get the benefit for your child if you sign up for a p/t preschool 2-3 mornings a week. Your wife will have a bit of time to herself and she can use the afternoons for playdates, excursions, errands, and yes, activities/crafts at home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

Disagree. HE married a loser. OP, ignore the SAHMs on here who are bitter about any man who wants to respect his wife as an equal partner in all ways.

Should not you be working at 9am?

[Anonymous]

I was like that (except a bit better of a housekeeper). It changed enormously once my kids were all in school full-time. Honestly, being at home with toddlers and infants is an all-consuming, life-sucking, thankless job.

If I were you, I'd encourage her to consider a part-time job. You may find that once she gets out of the house and back to work with adult company, that she gets more motivated.

Going back full-time right now probably seems like too much of a burden to her. I'd push for a part-time job in a field that she likes (even if it isn't as lucrative as you might want). Once she realizes that life can be better, her prior motivation might kick back in. My guess is that she is exhausted and defeated by life at the moment.

Another thing you might try is having her take a class a couple of nights a week. I realize that adds to your own duties as a parent. When I was at home all day, I put everything in to being a mom. I forgot to foster my own growth as a person. It was almost as if I felt that I wasn't valuable enough to pursue anything just for me. The change came for me when I found a class and activity that made me really happy. I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I had to realize that if I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't really taking the best care of everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.

It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her.

She married a loser. Sympathies to her.

He just got caught by the oldest game in the book, the bait and switch.

Yup. And these are the guys that end up cheating.