Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Because there is definitely more to it than that, and you need to understand where she is coming from.

Don't know your ages or how long it took to have children. They grow up so quickly. By early elementary, they are more into their friends than parents. She may just want to spend time with the kids while they still think she is the center of the universe.

That's nice. Truly. But why does she just get to make that decision by herself? (not OP)

[Anonymous]

You have stated that you think your wife wants X or Y or feels A or B, but I am not getting a sense that you actually know. Don't let the unsettled feeling and bubbling resentment build to this level - at least without KNOWING what your spouse feels or wants or thinks. It sounds like you have a lot of impressions but not a true sense of what her thoughts, feelings and the like actually are.


Venting helps in the moment, but doing so to the faceless folks like us doesn't solve any of your very real problems. You have received some good advice and seem like a fairly level headed person who can act and not just vent, so go talk to your wife instead of typing on this message board.

[Anonymous]

You're a genuine horse's patoot, OP. Jerk .

[Anonymous]

SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and insists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month.

You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you.

First of all, daycare is an expense counted against BOTH parents' salaries. Not hers, not his, BOTH. So it's not "her" salary paying daycare costs; it is the household income paying those costs.

Second: Working is about more than today's take-home pay. It is about retirement benefits, healthcare, an investment in one's career (which pays off in higher earnings as time goes by). The list goes on. And daycare is a short-term proposition, relative to one's career. Yes, it is expensive and eats into income - we were in the red for several years when we had both a nanny and part-time preschool - but that is only for a few years. In the longer run, that becomes negligible vis-a-vis the income that a parent who continues to work earns compared to what s/he would have earned had s/he left the workforce.

Actually, he said her salary = daycare expenses. So there you go.

OP's wife has made it clear she doesn't value investing in her career. So for her working is probably going to be just about money. Which will pay for daycare. Which they wouldn't have to pay for if she was a SAHM. OP is looking at this as a $ thing and he dislikes the options that she makes $ and they spend it on childcare and net at $0 or she doesn't work and they don't pay for childcare and they net at $0.

No, not "there you go." That's just math. From a household income point of view, childcare for a family with two working parents counts against BOTH salaries. Not just the mom's, BOTH.

RE investing in her career or not, working is indeed about money. And daycare ends, leaving a dual-income family with well, two incomes.

OP has clarified the "net at $0" issue and they definitely do not net at $0 given the benefits she had while working.

The biggest issue here, IMO, is OP's selfish wife's unilateral decision to impose sole breadwinner responsibilities on her husband. Which is bad enough, but add to that the day-to-day routine of Pinterest crafts and next to no housekeeping, and well, my blood would be boiling too.

OP sounds like a reasonable person and a good husband. His wife needs to arrive at an understanding of her role as part of a marital team, and not a free agent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and insists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

Completely agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I second this. Are you willing to take on daycare drop-offs/pick ups and getting kids ready in the morning? How much cooking, cleaning and laundry will be on your plate if she goes back to work? How about grocery shopping and taking kid's to pediatrician appointments? She clearly felt the juggle wasn't working before, and it may just be because she was doing most of these tasks.

It's not really fair to say that you had an expectation that she would continue to work unless you also have a proven track record with helping with all of the non-paid household work. Perhaps she feels she has no choice but to stay at home because you don't help out as much with this stuff as you said you woud

You say this like there is no choice but for the woman to stay at home. Of course there are choices. Paid childcare, paid housecleaning, ignoring the mess, getting takeout etc. Plus, from what the OP said, it doesn't seem like the non-paid household work is getting done, anyway. "I'm just gonna stay at home" is not a decision any spouse is allowed to make without the explicit consent and approval of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

[Anonymous]

Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Well you are mistaken. I just seem to have this weird belief that if you SAH with your kids, keeping your house clean is one of the things you should do, and your husband expecting that doesn't make him an asshole. My husband held up his part of the bargain in being the one to work all day and financially provide and not expecting me to do the same. So I held up my end and took care of things at home that enabled him to do that. My kids are 6, 8 and 14 now. When they were little, every time they pulled something out, we (I) put it away before moving onto the next thing. I didn't (and still do not) leave the house when it's messy. It's not rocket science. It's much easier to clean for 5-10 minutes multiple times throughout the day, then let the house turn into a cluster-fuck from not doing anything until dinner/bedtime.

OP seems to have a clear idea of why she did it and why she continues to do it. Like a PP said, totally bait and switch. What OP needs to figure out is he how is going to deal with this going forward, because he's going to just get increasingly more and more resentful. And the longer his wife stays out of the workforce, the harder it's going to be to get back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

Also, OP, is it possible that your wife is depressed? She sounds like she's changed a lot from the wife you had. Perhaps counseling would also help identify some of these issues. You can't insist that she goes, but you can make sure she knows how important it is to you that she does -- for both of your sakes.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, is it possible that your wife is depressed?

My therapist mentioned this as a possibility. One of the reasons I have stepped back and am trying to deal with how I am feeling is that there's only so much I can do about this if I am holding on to being resentful (even though it's normal to feel resentful even if your spouse is sick and you are suddenly the sole income earner like the up thread PP). It's not post-partum, but I am hoping that in the next year or so when our youngest starts preschool, DW can really face her own stuff. Without the kids being an excuse to not really look inward.

Because the few times I have tried to point out that maybe staying home is an avoidance of something bigger, the tears arrive along with a complete shut down and there's nothing I can do with that (and I really care about my wife--she just isn't the person I know right now). I actually went to therapy because I really didn't know what else to do and love my wife and want to stay married. I know resentment can kill us. I'm just trying to stop that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Sorry, that's BS. I know plenty of SAHPs who manage to keep the house from falling into disaster, get laundry done, and have dinner going by the end of the day. Spending your day crafting with your kids while the house is a mess and meals are prepared is not cool.

From OPs description, his wife made a unilateral decision to stop working, and that is not cool. I would be livid if my husband did that.