Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe the man wants well taken after children, a clean home, less stressful life and to have sex? That's so sad you think a sahm doesn't contribute anything to your family. You're just the type of man I made sure to avoid marrying. I'm a working woman and successful but I married a man who will appreciate the sacrifices I will make to make a family for him.


Here we go again. Of course, YOU'RE the only one making sacrifices.


Where do you get I'm the only one making sacrifices? Or course both spouses make sacrifices. Just saying I want a man who appreciates the ones I make and I appreciate his.

So, you wouldn't mind if he decided to be a SAHD?

That would be more than fine. But I would expect him to do all of the housework, provide excellent childcare, cook meals,pick up drycleaning and look for ways to save money. He would also have to understand we have to cut back for him to stay home.

That being said, my husband makes a lot of money and has a fantastic career. He is the type of man who wants to take care of me and provide for me. So I would be shocked if he wanted to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

There can be a disconnect between money and how it's made. When my wife makes a good dinner, I appreciate the effort she makes and the fact that she's the one doing this thing. When she has another $1,000 to spend, I don't think she has a similar appreciation that it was my effort that put the money in the bank account. It's like the money just sort of happens, and I disappear all day. She likes the one and kind of resents the other and, at a gut level, doesn't necessarily feel the two things are related or that I'm doing something less than enjoyable when I'm absent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My number one red flag was when a man assumed I'd birth his children for him. Who does he think he is?

On a side note, I've said the same thing to men because I know I will be so attached to a baby and feel awful leaving a six week old at a daycare. It has less to do with me and more with the baby. I didn't want to marry a man and have children with someone who couldn't sacrifice financially so that I could be there for our children. I will probably work as I have a great career but I want that option. I didn't want to marry someone who expects me to have two full time jobs and while they have one. If working with young kids were to be a requirement, I would most likely decide not to have kids.

PP, you are so, so not smart about things. Yes, an expectation that your partner will financially contribute is reasonable. But what isn't reasonable is an expectation that you don't have to contribute to your family's financial well-being. I have age on my side (I imagine a lot of you are younger 30-40 somethings), but I am going to describe to you a really sad reality four of my good girlfriends are dealing with right now.

They all made the choice to SAHM with their husband's "support." But in reality, their marriages weren't strong enough to survive and they are utterly, utterly screwed. Alimony only runs so long and those kids all went to college so there's no support. And they are stuck.

These were smart women! Women who knew better and thought the world was full of choices, but sadly it isn't. I feel for the OP because I think deep down inside that is what imploded some of my friends' marriages -- an expectation that they would be financially taken care of and had no role in solving financial problems (like layoffs) when they arise. It's sad, but I support my friends rebuilding themselves.

Listen, I have daughters. And I've made it clear to them that they need to plan on working or finding some sort of way to keep their careers going even if they have kids. Because the SAHM thing can breed entitlement and resentment and unless it's an open agreement, it's just a bad idea.

This is a great post. I've seen it happen myself. I also agree that some SAHMs seem entitled. I'm not sure where it was written that the man has to slog off to work while the woman stays home with the kids.

Maybe the man wants well taken after children, a clean home, less stressful life and to have sex? That's so sad you think a sahm doesn't contribute anything to your family. You're just the type of man I made sure to avoid marrying. I'm a working woman and successful but I married a man who will appreciate the sacrifices I will make to make a family for him.

I'm a Baby Boomer aged woman, sweetheart. Who has seen the lifestyle of SAHMS blow up in their faces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My number one red flag was when a man assumed I'd birth his children for him. Who does he think he is?

On a side note, I've said the same thing to men because I know I will be so attached to a baby and feel awful leaving a six week old at a daycare. It has less to do with me and more with the baby. I didn't want to marry a man and have children with someone who couldn't sacrifice financially so that I could be there for our children. I will probably work as I have a great career but I want that option. I didn't want to marry someone who expects me to have two full time jobs and while they have one. If working with young kids were to be a requirement, I would most likely decide not to have kids.

PP, you are so, so not smart about things. Yes, an expectation that your partner will financially contribute is reasonable. But what isn't reasonable is an expectation that you don't have to contribute to your family's financial well-being. I have agencies on my side (I imagine a lot of you are younger 30-40 somethings), but I am going to describe to you a really sad reality four of my good girlfriends are dealing with right now.

They all made the choice to SAHM with their husband's "support." But in reality, their marriages weren't strong enough to survive and they are utterly, utterly screwed. Alimony only runs so long and those kids all went to college so there's no support. And they are stuck.

These were smart women! Women who knew better and thought the world was full of choices, but sadly it isn't. I feel for the OP because I think deep down inside that is what imploded some of my friends' marriages -- an expectation that they would be financially taken care of and had no role in solving financial problems (like layoffs) when they arise. It's sad, but I support my friends rebuilding themselves.

Listen, I have daughters. And I've made it clear to them that they need to plan on working or finding some sort of way to keep their careers going even if they have kids. Because the SAHM thing can breed entitlement and resentment and unless it's an open agreement, it's just a bad idea.

I'm not smart because my husband and I are in love and on the same page about what we want? Or is it that I'm an only child who will inherit millions? Or is it that I am 99 percent sure I will continue working in my six figure job? Look I'm just facing the fact that something could happen where I can't work. Like god forbid,a disabled child.

Don't assume my husband won't respect me for being a loving mother and a wife.

You're in a totally different financial position than most women. The vast majority of SAHMs don't have large inheritances to fall back on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My number one red flag was when a man assumed I'd birth his children for him. Who does he think he is?

On a side note, I've said the same thing to men because I know I will be so attached to a baby and feel awful leaving a six week old at a daycare. It has less to do with me and more with the baby. I didn't want to marry a man and have children with someone who couldn't sacrifice financially so that I could be there for our children. I will probably work as I have a great career but I want that option. I didn't want to marry someone who expects me to have two full time jobs and while they have one. If working with young kids were to be a requirement, I would most likely decide not to have kids.

PP, you are so, so not smart about things. Yes, an expectation that your partner will financially contribute is reasonable. But what isn't reasonable is an expectation that you don't have to contribute to your family's financial well-being. I have agencies on my side (I imagine a lot of you are younger 30-40 somethings), but I am going to describe to you a really sad reality four of my good girlfriends are dealing with right now.

They all made the choice to SAHM with their husband's "support." But in reality, their marriages weren't strong enough to survive and they are utterly, utterly screwed. Alimony only runs so long and those kids all went to college so there's no support. And they are stuck.

These were smart women! Women who knew better and thought the world was full of choices, but sadly it isn't. I feel for the OP because I think deep down inside that is what imploded some of my friends' marriages -- an expectation that they would be financially taken care of and had no role in solving financial problems (like layoffs) when they arise. It's sad, but I support my friends rebuilding themselves.

Listen, I have daughters. And I've made it clear to them that they need to plan on working or finding some sort of way to keep their careers going even if they have kids. Because the SAHM thing can breed entitlement and resentment and unless it's an open agreement, it's just a bad idea.

I'm not smart because my husband and I are in love and on the same page about what we want? Or is it that I'm an only child who will inherit millions? Or is it that I am 99 percent sure I will continue working in my six figure job? Look I'm just facing the fact that something could happen where I can't work. Like god forbid,a disabled child.

Don't assume my husband won't respect me for being a loving mother and a wife.

You're in a totally different financial position than most women. The vast majority of SAHMs don't have large inheritances to fall back on.

Not to mention that it's kind of creepy to be bragging about how when your loaded parents die they are going to leave you money. Hopefully they live long lives, use up their wealth, and leave the rest to charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

What advice would you have for young men who are contemplating marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe the man wants well taken after children, a clean home, less stressful life and to have sex?

I laffed. The odds of a man hitting that parlay are about as good as hitting the lotto: slim to none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not smart because my husband and I are in love and on the same page about what we want? Or is it that I'm an only child who will inherit millions?

I look forward to you being swindled for everything you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

I agree that its ridiculous of your wife to complain about money but refuse to work even part time. You sound rather gleeful, however, about the fact that "she wont know what hit her". As someone whose father shocked my mother by leaving her as soon as my sister & I were out of the house, I can tell you that this will hurt your children, too. My sister & I understood why my father no longer wanted to be married to my mother but it was still difficult for us. With our dad gone, our mom would call us for emotional support & say horrible things about our father. We wanted to tell her to stop but didn't for a long time because she was such a mess that we were afraid of what would happen if we didn't "support" her. Young adulthood is a tumultuous time in someone's life & the drama of the divorce made it much harder for us. Many people think that once the kids are out of the house, their parents divorcing won't affect them but, trust me, it does.

I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce your wife if that's what will make you happy. As difficult as my parents' divorce was, I still think my dad made the right choice & would have hated for him to live out his life in an unhappy marriage just to spare my sister & me the drama. I do, however, think you should be prepared for ho upsetting it might be for your kids, no matter how old they are. If the working/money issue is the main reason you plan on leaving her, perhaps if you warn her you will divorce her if she doesn't start contributing, she'll take your word for it & get a job rather than being emotionally & financially devastated when you leave her seemingly out of nowhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

There can be a disconnect between money and how it's made. When my wife makes a good dinner, I appreciate the effort she makes and the fact that she's the one doing this thing. When she has another $1,000 to spend, I don't think she has a similar appreciation that it was my effort that put the money in the bank account. It's like the money just sort of happens, and I disappear all day. She likes the one and kind of resents the other and, at a gut level, doesn't necessarily feel the two things are related or that I'm doing something less than enjoyable when I'm absent.

Working mom here. Yes, I bring home money, but for the most part I enjoy my job. I get a break from the kids. Maybe I get to travel. If I work hard I get famous, recognized, promoted, and rich. You don't get those things from staying home cleaning up vomit and changing diapers.

It doesn't seem to me that a breadwinner's job is entirely selfless. I think being a SAHM is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

There can be a disconnect between money and how it's made. When my wife makes a good dinner, I appreciate the effort she makes and the fact that she's the one doing this thing. When she has another $1,000 to spend, I don't think she has a similar appreciation that it was my effort that put the money in the bank account. It's like the money just sort of happens, and I disappear all day. She likes the one and kind of resents the other and, at a gut level, doesn't necessarily feel the two things are related or that I'm doing something less than enjoyable when I'm absent.

Working mom here. Yes, I bring home money, but for the most part I enjoy my job. I get a break from the kids. Maybe I get to travel. If I work hard I get famous, recognized, promoted, and rich. You don't get those things from staying home cleaning up vomit and changing diapers.

It doesn't seem to me that a breadwinner's job is entirely selfless. I think being a SAHM is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about money constantly. She also refuses to get a job even part time. There's no excuse since the kids are school aged. She just knows working sucks and avoids it. Can't afford divorce and really know my access to the kids would be too limited for my liking. So I am biding my time and will leave the second our youngest goes to college. She won't know what hit her but that is because she is delusion and has her head stuck in the sand. I will pay a bit of alimony but I will be free at 48. I remind myself of this daily.

There can be a disconnect between money and how it's made. When my wife makes a good dinner, I appreciate the effort she makes and the fact that she's the one doing this thing. When she has another $1,000 to spend, I don't think she has a similar appreciation that it was my effort that put the money in the bank account. It's like the money just sort of happens, and I disappear all day. She likes the one and kind of resents the other and, at a gut level, doesn't necessarily feel the two things are related or that I'm doing something less than enjoyable when I'm absent.

Working mom here. Yes, I bring home money, but for the most part I enjoy my job. I get a break from the kids. Maybe I get to travel. If I work hard I get famous, recognized, promoted, and rich. You don't get those things from staying home cleaning up vomit and changing diapers.

It doesn't seem to me that a breadwinner's job is entirely selfless. I think being a SAHM is.

So no SAHMs enjoy what they do? Enjoy not having to go into the office? Enjoy being their own bosses? BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe the man wants well taken after children, a clean home, less stressful life and to have sex? That's so sad you think a sahm doesn't contribute anything to your family. You're just the type of man I made sure to avoid marrying. I'm a working woman and successful but I married a man who will appreciate the sacrifices I will make to make a family for him.


Here we go again. Of course, YOU'RE the only one making sacrifices.


Where do you get I'm the only one making sacrifices? Or course both spouses make sacrifices. Just saying I want a man who appreciates the ones I make and I appreciate his.

So, you wouldn't mind if he decided to be a SAHD?

That would be more than fine. But I would expect him to do all of the housework, provide excellent childcare, cook meals,pick up drycleaning and look for ways to save money. He would also have to understand we have to cut back for him to stay home.

That being said, my husband makes a lot of money and has a fantastic career. He is the type of man who wants to take care of me and provide for me. So I would be shocked if he wanted to stay home.

Most SAHMs don't even come close to doing all of this stuff.

They used to, but many SAHMs now feel that their "shift" ends when DH comes home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe the man wants well taken after children, a clean home, less stressful life and to have sex? That's so sad you think a sahm doesn't contribute anything to your family. You're just the type of man I made sure to avoid marrying. I'm a working woman and successful but I married a man who will appreciate the sacrifices I will make to make a family for him.


Here we go again. Of course, YOU'RE the only one making sacrifices.


Where do you get I'm the only one making sacrifices? Or course both spouses make sacrifices. Just saying I want a man who appreciates the ones I make and I appreciate his.

So, you wouldn't mind if he decided to be a SAHD?

That would be more than fine. But I would expect him to do all of the housework, provide excellent childcare, cook meals,pick up drycleaning and look for ways to save money. He would also have to understand we have to cut back for him to stay home.

That being said, my husband makes a lot of money and has a fantastic career. He is the type of man who wants to take care of me and provide for me. So I would be shocked if he wanted to stay home.

Most SAHMs don't even come close to doing all of this stuff.

They used to, but many SAHMs now feel that their "shift" ends when DH comes home.

Just because your wife doesn't do this doesn't mean it applies to "most" sah moms. Generalizing is so lazy and stupid.

[Anonymous]

This OP does not sound like it was written by a man.