Having a Sibling is Overrated
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Anonymous
DP. Wow, what an insensitive, presumptuous and frankly cruel response to a very reasonable post. Yikes. Maybe spend some time reflecting on why it is that you feel compelled to interrogate people in this way. Do you have some insecurities about your family and choices? |
Anonymous
No, absolutely not. I have never said anything about my experience and feelings to her more than, "we wanted another and tried IVF, but it wasn't possible." When she's an adult, we can have that conversation if she wants, but it's not appropriate to put that on a child, even a big one. When she was a toddler and preschooler she wanted a sister to play with (which was hard because that's when we were doing IVF), but by the time she was in early elementary and her friends' siblings were all getting older, she was pretty clear that she liked her peaceful home. We're all extroverts and have a big extended family and friend network, so we've mostly vacationed with cousins and family friends' kids, and she's like a third kid to our closest family friend's family. That's not a randomized control trial, nor does it give her the experience of actually growing up with another family member from a young age so it would be her normal, but it's enough for her to know what she's missing and choose to be happy with her lot, whatever lot she was given. I think what really cemented it for her was when her only child cousin was born when she was 6 (which is the age gap between me and my sister) and she was just old enough to watch him grow up and understand what a younger kid in the house would be like day to day, and could appreciate the difference between her life and what could have been. I don't think I said she thinks she's happier, nor do I believe that because she would have been a great big sister and that would have been the only life she knew had things turned out differently. But I DO think there are different types of happy, and it's a very good thing to understand there's not one path to happiness, nor can happiness be guaranteed one way or the other. And I can see where you're coming from regarding her pleasing me and concern based on my reply, but she really doesn't lay it on thick, nor do I assume she'll have one child just because that's what she says now. She's not someone that says things she doesn't believe just to make others happy, for better or worse (ha!). I'd love it if she had a couple of kids, but would also be fine (if silently disappointed) if she didn't have any. It's her life and I made my choices about how far to go to for another kid, and she'll make hers. One thing I do still worry about is her fertility, and whether she'll have that choice taken away from her. I had premature menopause and would like to offer to pay for her to freeze her eggs when she's older but still young enough, but don't know how to broach that without putting pressure on her. Hoping the topic comes up naturally in a few years, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. |
Anonymous
Ha, PP here. Was typing my reply when you replied. Thanks for the support. Maybe I just woke up on the right side of the bed today, but I took that reply as measured and not too DCUM cruel. My point is not that having siblings is BAD or having one child is better, but that there are benefits to both choices and I agree with the OP (from 2014!) that the reason to have another child is because YOU really want to raise another child. Because I felt the way most people did many years ago that giving your child a sibling is a default and something you should do for the sake of your first child if possible. But life can teach you lessons in hard ways, and I know now that there is no better or worse than, just different. If I could reverse time and have had that second, I still would. But only because I love my child so much and would love to love another the same way. Not because I still feel like she's missed out or her life would have been better. Different, yes, better, no. |
Anonymous
How was what I wrote cruel? I said her circumstances were unfair and difficult. That can be true and at the same time she cannot seek validation from her teenage daughter that their situation was the best/only possible good situation. Two things can be true. I know some people struggle with that, but it’s true. I don’t have hangups about my family and probably as a result, neither do my kids. None of them are running around telling me how many children they want to have later in life which is actually healthy. They are focused on the present, as am I. PP can take what she wants from my post but she sounds like she has little self awareness - as do you. |
Anonymous
Wow, you are really committed to attacking people you don't know online. |
Anonymous
| My mom had me because she was an only and didn't want my sister to be an only. We were closer in high school but not so much now. Still, it's nice to have more family, and I'm glad I was born! |
Anonymous
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As in all things in life, much of it is a crap shoot.
You can win the sibling lottery, you can lose the sibling lottery. |
Anonymous
It is completely normal for kids to talk about their future families! Can't you see that if your family didn't fit into the societal norm, that you may think about it more? And we all find validation in our happy families, you included. Pot meet kettle. |
Anonymous
Pressed send before reading what the PP who I originally responded to wrote. You sound like a great parent and you seem very thoughtful. |
Anonymous
Original PP again. This PP is putting words in my mouth - I explicitly said I DON'T think our situation is the best/only possible good situation. And maybe it's a girl-boy thing, but I've heard all about the future families, baby names, etc. from my kid's friends over the years. Kids imagine the future, so either PP has very young kids still, boys (Maybe? I guess?), or they're just not sharing these things with their mom. Whatever, PP's opinions are no skin off my back. |
Anonymous
Lol, PP again. Thank you, I appreciate that. |
Anonymous
| Offering a different perspective. I’m a doctor and seeing elderly patients who rely on their siblings in their old age and that bond enduring decades, has made me want to have at least two kids. The bottom line is nothing is guaranteed but the way this country works, usually your family is your support system. Having a sibling *can* mean you have a support system for life. Plus with your siblings comes nieces and nephews, which also serves as a support esp if you don’t have kids of your own. I don’t see as many friends fill that role. |
Anonymous
PP again just because I'm thinking about it now. I would like to add that I've had many, many conversations with adult only children over the years. Both when we were struggling to seek validation that it would be okay, and after when they wanted to share their experiences. Like PP's with siblings have said on this thread, childhood experiences are mixed and so much of it is the child's temperament and how they are parented. I know only children that loved their childhood and only had one child themselves to replicate their experience. Ones that liked their childhood but had a second to see what the sibling relationship was like or because their spouse wanted another. Ones that were lonely and said I should have a second no matter what it took. What I took away from all of those many conversations over the years is that you are most likely to set your child(ren) up for a happy childhood if you are confident and happy in your family yourself. A strong, supportive, healthy family is the most important thing and the thing that parents have the most control over. And just like children with siblings need their parents to provide individual attention and support, only children need their parents to provide socialization and opportunities to build lifelong relationships with peers. We're lucky because we have local cousins and close friends, but even if it doesn't come easily, it is still very important to build. The biggest difference I've found is when only children are raised by introverted, distant parents that didn't make the effort to bring along a friend, find another family to vacation with, host allll of the sleepovers, sign up for the extracurriculars, etc. etc. Those are the that kids end up lonely and cautioning against one child. The rest are just kids and have normal childhoods like everyone else. |
Anonymous
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As an only, there was a long period of time where I was very sad about how small our family holidays were, how quiet and how my parents focused only on me. I was incredibly lonely because I didn't have friends to play with in the neighborhood or siblings. I basically had to rely on my parents to drive me to friend's houses (same as kids today who also don't play outside).
As an adult now who has 3 kids of my own, I'm thrilled not to have siblings. There is no discussion of whose house to go to for holidays- it's always mine! I never have to share my parents. It's only my parents and dh and I who discuss where to vacation. DH has a sibling, but they are childless. It's fun how my kids are the only grandkids on both sides. We bring the party. I do agree that as an adult it's lovely to not have siblings. Likely all the elderly caregiving would fall to me anyways. While I did have 3 kids, I didn't do it so they had siblings. I did it for myself because I LOVED babies and wanted a big family. I agree that you shouldn't do it for your kids. |
Anonymous
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I have two elder siblings. We were raised by incredibly loving and moral parents. They were moral and righteousness in their own personal life first and foremost, and led by example. They were kind, generous, spiritual and fair.
They did not discriminate between the children and that was a source of great confidence and peace among all of us siblings. We were all equally valued and cared for. When any of us needed help from my parents, the siblings also took up the responsibility and gave support, through thick and thin. At the same time, we all were there to help and stayed within our healthy boundaries. There is transparency and desire to help the next generation succeed. On the other hand, DH’s family of origin is extremely dysfunctional and have multiple individuals with personality disorders. All of this is perpetuated by the parents and not only how they raised their children but also the dishonesty amd corruption around how they made money. Bad parents raise bad kids. Pure and simple. And the good kid with bad parents? They have to either be the scapegoat or the gray rock. Always in some kind of therapy. |