Having a Sibling is Overrated

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of hand wringing on this site about whether or not people should have an only child or have more children. If you are in this situation, please only have the child if YOU really want this and not because you just want your child to have a brother or a sister (as a lifelong companion). Once you have another child, your only child may like the new child and they may develop a close bond but they also may not. Remember your kids are inly kids for 18 years and after that age, they are adults and can do and associate whomever they want. I have an only child but have two siblings who repeatedly disappoint me and my parents by failing to help or visit when my parents only live 15 minutes away from us. When I say help, I mean simple things, like a ride to the grocery store, or taking my mom shopping to buy a winter coat (not paying for these items - just a ride and companionship). I am the only one who does these things for my parents. Yet my siblings always have their hand out when they need a a favor or a babysitter. I have close friends who are much more helpful. Just something to think about. I am not having "a moment" - this has been consistent behavior since my siblings reached adulthood and have been out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Another benefit of having siblings as a young child is learning to share your parents, learning that you are not the most important family member, learning how to negotiate, fight, play nicely and dirty.

Putting your only child in daycare from 6 weeks on accomplishes the same thing, of course.

[Anonymous]

As an only child, I am so happy to have two children who get along so well (boy and girl, 5 years apart).

Remember, OP, that as parents we have some control over how our children interact. We can model healthy communication and boundaries and intervene when necessary. You are looking at this from the perspective of a powerless child.

I don't know of anyone who has had extra children because they were "supposed" to. Seems a pretty big financial, physical and emotional effort if you don't have an urge to love another child, no?

[Anonymous]

Op - you're right that there's no guarantee. However, if you don't have a sibling, it's guaranteed that you will not have the positive aspects of having a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Having a sibling you've been raised to value is priceless. My children share a strong bond and are mutually supportive to a fault. As an older mom, this is hugely important to me. They'll have each other long after I'm gone.

My brother and I maintain a tight relationship despite the fact that he lives overseas. We didn't magically stop caring for one another once we turned 18, OP. Me thinks you doth protest too much. Make peace with having an only, no need to make a case about the universal uselessness of siblings despite the clear resentment/frustration you have with yours.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are saying, OP, and I'm sorry your siblings aren't stepping up as they should.

Many of us are fortunate to have good relationships with our siblings. I love both my brothers so much and I know I can count on them. We are fortunate that even as adults, we still enjoy each others company and look forward to being together. My children are being raised in this type of environment, so I hope they will have the same joys as adults. But you are right, you cannot guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As an only child, I am so happy to have two children who get along so well (boy and girl, 5 years apart).

Remember, OP, that as parents we have some control over how our children interact. We can model healthy communication and boundaries and intervene when necessary. You are looking at this from the perspective of a powerless child.

I don't know of anyone who has had extra children because they were "supposed" to. Seems a pretty big financial, physical and emotional effort if you don't have an urge to love another child, no?

A new poster here. I just want to address the bolded, because my mother tried to hard to manipulate the relationship between my brother and I while we were growing up. She viewed him as the golden child, and I was constantly told how great a brother I had, how lucky I was to have him as a brother. He of course, used this to his advantage and my mother always took his side by punishing me any time we fought. By the time we were teens we beat the shit out of each other any time we were home alone. We both had to put up huge walls and really distance ourselves from our parents in order to forge any type of sibling relationship.

So I caution you: don't use that control so much. Now my mother has two grown adult children who DO get along, just like she claims she always wanted, but almost no relationship with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As an only child, I am so happy to have two children who get along so well (boy and girl, 5 years apart).

Remember, OP, that as parents we have some control over how our children interact. We can model healthy communication and boundaries and intervene when necessary. You are looking at this from the perspective of a powerless child.

I don't know of anyone who has had extra children because they were "supposed" to. Seems a pretty big financial, physical and emotional effort if you don't have an urge to love another child, no?

A new poster here. I just want to address the bolded, because my mother tried to hard to manipulate the relationship between my brother and I while we were growing up. She viewed him as the golden child, and I was constantly told how great a brother I had, how lucky I was to have him as a brother. He of course, used this to his advantage and my mother always took his side by punishing me any time we fought. By the time we were teens we beat the shit out of each other any time we were home alone. We both had to put up huge walls and really distance ourselves from our parents in order to forge any type of sibling relationship.

So I caution you: don't use that control so much. Now my mother has two grown adult children who DO get along, just like she claims she always wanted, but almost no relationship with us.

I am a different PP than the one you are quoting, but I think you misunderstand what the PP you quoted is saying. You can't make your children like each other and you cannot ultimately control what they do. But as parents you do set the tone and you can do your best to foster an environment where family time and family get-togethers are viewed as fun and happy times etc. And as PP said, you can model appropriate ways to communicate and resolve conflict.

And I think equality between siblings is very important. As soon as you set up one sibling as somehow better or more valued than the others, you cannot expect good results. My parents placed a lot of emphasis on fairness and equality between my siblings and I. We all felt equally loved and equally valued.

[Anonymous]

I am not close with any of my siblings. I see them at holidays and we're facebook friends, but that's about it. But we were raised to respect our parents and help out when needed and now that our parents need that help, I am beyond grateful that I have siblings to share the load. DH is an only child and his father's dementia is all on us. It is a lot.

There are no guarantees in anything, but it is close to certain if you only have one child the entire load of caring for you when you're elderly will be on them. This does not feel like a big deal until you're in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you're right that there's no guarantee. However, if you don't have a sibling, it's guaranteed that you will not have the positive aspects of having a sibling.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am incredibly close with my two sisters and so glad I had them -- and we are not similar, we are close because it was made a priority. I think there are a lot of advantages of having more than one child that are actually overlooked, like understanding inherent differences in your children, not being forced to be your child's peer, learning about how to effectively parent, etc. And there is never any guarantee that your children will want to help you as you age, but as someone said upthread, if you have an only, they are indeed guaranteed to bear the full weight of that burden alone.

[Anonymous]

I understand the OP. Siblings can be great, or they can not. I'm not at all close with my sibling, and far from helping me with my parents as they age, I will likely have to care for him after they die because he has repeatedly demonstrated that he can't live completely independently and I've promised my mother I won't let him end up homeless. He's nothing like me, we were never close, and I truly would have been happy as an only.

Which is all to say, have another because you want to, not because you feel that you owe it to your child to "give" them a sibling. All the research shows that only children are just as happy and successful and well-adjusted as any other kid.

(And yes, I know people who have had an additional child they would not have had but for their belief that not having a sibling was a deprivation that would mess up their kid.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - you're right that there's no guarantee. However, if you don't have a sibling, it's guaranteed that you will not have the positive aspects of having a sibling.

+1

Also guaranteed you won't have the negative effects of having a sibling. Don't have another for your first, have another because you, the parents, want another. Or don't have another if you don't want one. Like puppies, siblings shouldn't be given as presents.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are saying, OP, and I'm sorry your siblings aren't stepping up as they should.

Many of us are fortunate to have good relationships with our siblings. I love both my brothers so much and I know I can count on them. We are fortunate that even as adults, we still enjoy each others company and look forward to being together. My children are being raised in this type of environment, so I hope they will have the same joys as adults. But you are right, you cannot guarantee it.

I feel the exact same way. My four siblings are absolutely priceless to me, especially my sisters. They are the people I have shared a past with, and who I can count on to be in my life for the long haul. I see the same with my dad, who in his 70s, is really starting to reconnect with his sisters. I know there are no guarentees, and people can happily go through life with no sibling, but I know what a gifts my siblings have been to me and do feel a little bad that my two kids won't have the big family that I grew up with. Luckily I'm bringing them up in the midst of a gaggle of cousins, who we're all close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you're right that there's no guarantee. However, if you don't have a sibling, it's guaranteed that you will not have the positive aspects of having a sibling.

Not really. We are well-aware our child doesn't have siblings. Thus, we make extra effort to insure our life is filled with people who love him and that he has time with his cousins. It isn't exactly the same, I know.