Reply to Having a Sibling is Overrated

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having a sibling is overrated. We couldn't have a second due to infertility and I was DEVASTATED. Both because I wanted that child so badly, and because I grieved the relationship my child wouldn't have the opportunity to have. But you know, she's a teenager now and is clear that she loves our family structure, does not want a sibling, and wants to have one child of her own. She's old enough to know what having a sibling means, positive and negative, and prefers her family the way it is. It's been humbling to watch her grow in her perspectives and to learn from her. She has lifelong friends, cousins, one of which is also an only child, and a (hopefully) future spouse. We've planned for the future and while she won't have anyone to help (besides her spouse and her own network), she also won't have the conflicts with siblings that we've seen come up so many times already. Plus she'll have all of our inheritance once we go.

Life is what you make of it, and it feels like hubris to think that we as parents can plan our children's future and relationships with so much certainty. [/quote]

Do you think your child is saying any of this to make you feel better? It sounds like you are getting a lot of validation from her comments on this topic and that’s probably reinforcing her commentary. And how can she say that she’s happier without than with a sibling? How can you say that? There’s not some randomized control trial occurring elsewhere. The truth is you have no idea how happy or unhappy you would be. I’m glad you’ve found peace with a difficult and unfair situation but I would be concerned if my child was laying the one child thing on so thick. It feels like it’s about her trying to please you. Would you be hurt if she had more than one child? It sounds like you would be. [/quote]

No, absolutely not. I have never said anything about my experience and feelings to her more than, "we wanted another and tried IVF, but it wasn't possible." When she's an adult, we can have that conversation if she wants, but it's not appropriate to put that on a child, even a big one. When she was a toddler and preschooler she wanted a sister to play with (which was hard because that's when we were doing IVF), but by the time she was in early elementary and her friends' siblings were all getting older, she was pretty clear that she liked her peaceful home. We're all extroverts and have a big extended family and friend network, so we've mostly vacationed with cousins and family friends' kids, and she's like a third kid to our closest family friend's family. That's not a randomized control trial, nor does it give her the experience of actually growing up with another family member from a young age so it would be her normal, but it's enough for her to know what she's missing and choose to be happy with her lot, whatever lot she was given. I think what really cemented it for her was when her only child cousin was born when she was 6 (which is the age gap between me and my sister) and she was just old enough to watch him grow up and understand what a younger kid in the house would be like day to day, and could appreciate the difference between her life and what could have been. I don't think I said she thinks she's happier, nor do I believe that because she would have been a great big sister and that would have been the only life she knew had things turned out differently. But I DO think there are different types of happy, and it's a very good thing to understand there's not one path to happiness, nor can happiness be guaranteed one way or the other.

And I can see where you're coming from regarding her pleasing me and concern based on my reply, but she really doesn't lay it on thick, nor do I assume she'll have one child just because that's what she says now. She's not someone that says things she doesn't believe just to make others happy, for better or worse (ha!). I'd love it if she had a couple of kids, but would also be fine (if silently disappointed) if she didn't have any. It's her life and I made my choices about how far to go to for another kid, and she'll make hers. One thing I do still worry about is her fertility, and whether she'll have that choice taken away from her. I had premature menopause and would like to offer to pay for her to freeze her eggs when she's older but still young enough, but don't know how to broach that without putting pressure on her. Hoping the topic comes up naturally in a few years, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.[/quote]

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