If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

[Anonymous]

I agree with other posters that this is only fair and manageable if the competing spouse is considerate of the non-competing spouse and does his/her utmost to train as much as possible during early mornings, nights, lunch hours, etc. This is what DH did when he trained for his first marathon last year. I never minded his training because he tried to schedule a lot of his longest runs so they coincided with our toddler's naps or other activities where his absence was OK. It didn't always work out - some runs were just too long - but he tried to work around our family and no one complained. These people who use their training as an excuse to hog all the me-time opportunities in the marriage and avoid domestic responsibilities are really selfish and not good partners or parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex decided to train for a marathon when we had a newborn, a 2 year old and sick parents. I had just returned to work. This was never discussed and there was no "plan." He just took the time and left me to do everything else.

I never learned the art of getting another adult to do things. There was no trading off time, there was no acknowledgement of the toll this took on me. On weekends when he went for long runs, he was gone that whole time, then the eating, showering and resting. It was a nearly all day event. Next day he'd be "too tired" to take the kids. He would just refuse to get out of bed, would scream and yell if I tried to relax. Would make it miserable when I returned home if I left the house.

I supported him, despite thinking this was one of the most selfish choices he made during our marriage. We went to watch him during the marathon, I drove him back late at night with kids in the car so he could pick up his car, and I was responsible for the kids during the next day when he recovered at home and off work. Not a lovely memory of family time or examples of healthy activity for our kids. It was not any of those things. It was something my ex decided he wanted to do, and he did it with no regard for anyone else or the impact it had.

I didn't look at this as a non-kid-related hobby. Fully support adult-time and alone time, but it needs to be discussed as such and both partners should be doing what they want during their individual "me" time. Infants and toddlers require a lot more work, and I think time-intensive hobbies (long periods of personal time) are unrealistic for most families during those years if both parents are working full time.

I am a runner--I've run one marathon and am currently training for a few more.

Honestly, from your description, it sounds like your ex trained too hard/too short of time for a marathon. A long run shouldn't take "all day" to recover from. I go on a 20 mile run in the morning and after about an hour of shower/eating/recovery I'm back doing normal things--grocery shopping, going to the kids sports events, folding laundry, going out to dinner that night, etc. So starting a long run at six am, there is no reason why he couldn't have been back in the swing of things around 11 am...

His behavior isn't something that just happens when anyone trains--it sounds like he was just an ass and that type of selfishness would have shown itself whether his hobby was running or photography or fishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex decided to train for a marathon when we had a newborn, a 2 year old and sick parents. I had just returned to work. This was never discussed and there was no "plan." He just took the time and left me to do everything else.

I never learned the art of getting another adult to do things. There was no trading off time, there was no acknowledgement of the toll this took on me. On weekends when he went for long runs, he was gone that whole time, then the eating, showering and resting. It was a nearly all day event. Next day he'd be "too tired" to take the kids. He would just refuse to get out of bed, would scream and yell if I tried to relax. Would make it miserable when I returned home if I left the house.

I supported him, despite thinking this was one of the most selfish choices he made during our marriage. We went to watch him during the marathon, I drove him back late at night with kids in the car so he could pick up his car, and I was responsible for the kids during the next day when he recovered at home and off work. Not a lovely memory of family time or examples of healthy activity for our kids. It was not any of those things. It was something my ex decided he wanted to do, and he did it with no regard for anyone else or the impact it had.

I didn't look at this as a non-kid-related hobby. Fully support adult-time and alone time, but it needs to be discussed as such and both partners should be doing what they want during their individual "me" time. Infants and toddlers require a lot more work, and I think time-intensive hobbies (long periods of personal time) are unrealistic for most families during those years if both parents are working full time.

I am a runner--I've run one marathon and am currently training for a few more.

Honestly, from your description, it sounds like your ex trained too hard/too short of time for a marathon. A long run shouldn't take "all day" to recover from. I go on a 20 mile run in the morning and after about an hour of shower/eating/recovery I'm back doing normal things--grocery shopping, going to the kids sports events, folding laundry, going out to dinner that night, etc. So starting a long run at six am, there is no reason why he couldn't have been back in the swing of things around 11 am...

His behavior isn't something that just happens when anyone trains--it sounds like he was just an ass and that type of selfishness would have shown itself whether his hobby was running or photography or fishing.

I'm the PP you're responding to -- and yes, you are correct. In part, that's what made the whole situation so upsetting. This guy is no long-distance runner. He exercises, but this was a one shot deal. He chose a horrendous time to cross this one off his bucket list. He is and was an ass. He feels very entitled as though he deserved this experience. Why? I have no idea. Our relationship was awful, but I chose badly and that is my regret in life. While I'm sure he was always selfish, it was not as apparent until we had kids and family stress. I had other demands on my time and needed some help sometimes. That's not his strong suit, so things didn't go so well.

[Anonymous]

The issue here isn't training for a marathon or triathlon; as we've established, there are ways to fit that into a schedule which minimizes time away from the family. The real issue here is that the DH has clearly checked out of his marriage, and is using the marathon training as the excuse. He could also have been burying himself at work, or playing video games, or having an affair. 3 kids under 5 must be incredibly exhausting, and one wonders whether he was as enthusiastic about the idea as she was. The bottom line is that she caneeither call him out on it, or continue to suffer silently.

[Anonymous]

Not bad, don't complain. Some men go out with their friends and spend evenings at the bar. This is relatively mild.
Surely you knew 3 kids under 5 would be hard. The man earns the salary and pays for everything, so let him have the running
Stop making babies for now

[Anonymous]

Um no. The one who earns the salary is also a husband and father and needs to be a partner. That is how a relationship works, and that is what a family is about. being the breadwinner does not give you a right to be an absentee parent or a douche.

[Anonymous]

Not bad, don't complain. Some men go out with their friends and spend evenings at the bar. This is relatively mild.

NP, but I would prefer evenings at a bar to this, honestly. That doesn't take up all day every weekend day and the kids would be asleep while he was at the bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too one sided. Dragging the family and spending a lot of money to do it just to watch dh come over the finish line is ridiculous. If he actually expects that, he is an ass. If it's a local thing fine, but I agreements many posters here and op, it's selfish and I don't care how "healthy" it is.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not bad, don't complain. Some men go out with their friends and spend evenings at the bar. This is relatively mild.
Surely you knew 3 kids under 5 would be hard. The man earns the salary and pays for everything, so let him have the running
Stop making babies for now

SHE knew 3 kids under 5 would be hard?! Um, she didn't make the babies by herself, nor should she be stuck raising them by herself while he disappears for all of his "me time." Him earning a salary and supporting his family does not entitle him to being an absentee father and husband.
I totally respect the man for being healthy and taking care of himself, but there are many ways he can do this without putting all the weight of raising the children on his wife. OP, I hope you can sit down and have a talk with him about this and that he is receptive to your feelings. There are plenty of ways for him to compromise and to still get to do what he wants sometimes. There just needs to be more balance, as many other posters have mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um no. The one who earns the salary is also a husband and father and needs to be a partner. That is how a relationship works, and that is what a family is about. being the breadwinner does not give you a right to be an absentee parent or a douche.

this marathon runner is not an absentee father. As much as we like to think of marriage as a partnership, it is not when only 1 person earns the money.
A man does not give up his rights to a paycheck, afternoon sleep, morning runs or showers just because he gets married and wife has a baby.
And if it was a real parnership, the wife will not skip contraception just because she wants a baby.
One hobby is not that much to ask.
He runs, accept it and find a way to make your marriage work.A wife does not own the husband.

[Anonymous]

Count me with those who think that training for a marathon with small kids is selfish. I play pickup basketball about an hour 2x per week. Can't imagine telling my wife I have decided to work on my basketball game to the degree of requiring me to be gone for hours every day. Crazy how marathoners think their chosen hobby is some special feat that deserves admiration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
this marathon runner is not an absentee father. As much as we like to think of marriage as a partnership, it is not when only 1 person earns the money.
A man does not give up his rights to a paycheck, afternoon sleep, morning runs or showers just because he gets married and wife has a baby.
And if it was a real parnership, the wife will not skip contraception just because she wants a baby.
One hobby is not that much to ask.
He runs, accept it and find a way to make your marriage work.A wife does not own the husband.

I have the sense that your wife wears a burqa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
this marathon runner is not an absentee father. As much as we like to think of marriage as a partnership, it is not when only 1 person earns the money.
A man does not give up his rights to a paycheck, afternoon sleep, morning runs or showers just because he gets married and wife has a baby.
And if it was a real parnership, the wife will not skip contraception just because she wants a baby.
One hobby is not that much to ask.
He runs, accept it and find a way to make your marriage work.A wife does not own the husband.

I have the sense that your wife wears a burqa.

Hahaha!!!??? best post EVER (and likely true)

[Anonymous]

I don't think the issue here is what he does with his free "me" time. It's just that he gets all the "me" time and the spouse none at all.

When things start shifting that way in my house, I "reserve" a sat/sun of mummy me time. As is, you are in duty this weekend, I am off duty- to a friends house, to a hotel, to the library, whatever.

First, he realizes how much work it entails to be alone with kids; second, I am instantly less resentful; third, it is a good time to re- establish quotas of free time for each parent.

Basically he needs to give 'back' whatever time he spends on his interests, so you can pursue yours whatever they are... Even if it's painting; reading; napping as in my case.

[Anonymous]

I am reading 2 separate issues in OP household:

1. H is taking advantage of imbalanced "me time"

2. W seems to think that young kids mean neither parent deserve much "me time"

I think both H and W are wrong.