If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH hates running....but I run and am currently training for a half marathon. Haven't trained for a full marathon since having kids, can't see how I would fit in the training. Like PP's DH I run at 5 am during the week, and my weekend long runs are my "me time" for the weekend. I don't get a massage for my recovery...ever. In fact lately I've been thinking how much I miss the days when I got a post-run nap.

All of that said...I'd say something to your DH. Running, golf, freaking Pokemon games...I think any activity that takes a parent away all weekend just isn't fair to the other parent.

Or the kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

Are you kidding? Did you actually read her post? She has 2 preschoolers and a 3 month old? Explain how a mother who is nursing a 3 month old gets "personal time" when she has a spouse that is gone running all day? Does she get to sneak off to Starbucks for 30 minutes and bask in her alone time?

How is she supposed to take care of them during a race? She should just stand around with them for several hours? She should just hang out in a hotel for hours on end? These kids have to be fed and have nap schedules. And how are toddlers and a newborn appreciating the benefits of exercise? Please explain how the family would enjoy these out of town events "together?" Walk us through what meals and race day would look like for one parent, 2 toddlers and an infant in an unfamiliar city.

I've run a marathon. It's more than just a hobby. It is an intense time commitment that takes a toll on the family. When I was getting closer to the race day, I was basically unavailable for at least one day on the weekend. Our kids were in elementary school, and my spouse was great. But damn, I cannot fathom doing that with kids under the age of 5.

Ditto. The PP touting the family benefits of marathon running is a moron (and must be single and childless).

+1. I didn't have the energy to respond to first PP's post but it blows my mind that people just don't get it. Standing in a crowd for hours wearing your newborn, corralling the two preschoolers, searching for Mom or Dad as they come over the finish line, so they can go home and rest after their big accomplishment and you can continue taking care of the kids. Fun for the whole family, huh? B*llsh*t. Both my parents did marathons and brought us kids to the races. It was awesome because they shared the experience! One raced, the other watched, then they'd swap. But that's rare. If this is a one-sided gig, it blows.

"oooh, we have kids now. all hours of every day must be spent helicoptering over perfect kid-friendly activities"

If that is how you choose to raise your kids, go for it. Good luck having any kind of marital relationship.

It blows my mind how YOU don't get it. Kids are not a death sentence. Find a way to incorporate the kids into your parent-friendly activities too.
And both parents need time to pursue their own interests, alternating "on-duty" with one another, and using outside help (grandparents, child care, etc) to fill in where needed.

Please get a life!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

Are you kidding? Did you actually read her post? She has 2 preschoolers and a 3 month old? Explain how a mother who is nursing a 3 month old gets "personal time" when she has a spouse that is gone running all day? Does she get to sneak off to Starbucks for 30 minutes and bask in her alone time?

How is she supposed to take care of them during a race? She should just stand around with them for several hours? She should just hang out in a hotel for hours on end? These kids have to be fed and have nap schedules. And how are toddlers and a newborn appreciating the benefits of exercise? Please explain how the family would enjoy these out of town events "together?" Walk us through what meals and race day would look like for one parent, 2 toddlers and an infant in an unfamiliar city.

I've run a marathon. It's more than just a hobby. It is an intense time commitment that takes a toll on the family. When I was getting closer to the race day, I was basically unavailable for at least one day on the weekend. Our kids were in elementary school, and my spouse was great. But damn, I cannot fathom doing that with kids under the age of 5.

Ditto. The PP touting the family benefits of marathon running is a moron (and must be single and childless).

+1. I didn't have the energy to respond to first PP's post but it blows my mind that people just don't get it. Standing in a crowd for hours wearing your newborn, corralling the two preschoolers, searching for Mom or Dad as they come over the finish line, so they can go home and rest after their big accomplishment and you can continue taking care of the kids. Fun for the whole family, huh? B*llsh*t. Both my parents did marathons and brought us kids to the races. It was awesome because they shared the experience! One raced, the other watched, then they'd swap. But that's rare. If this is a one-sided gig, it blows.

"oooh, we have kids now. all hours of every day must be spent helicoptering over perfect kid-friendly activities"

If that is how you choose to raise your kids, go for it. Good luck having any kind of marital relationship.

It blows my mind how YOU don't get it. Kids are not a death sentence. Find a way to incorporate the kids into your parent-friendly activities too.
And both parents need time to pursue their own interests, alternating "on-duty" with one another, and using outside help (grandparents, child care, etc) to fill in where needed.

Please get a life!!

- signed, teenage troll who doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cyclist, and I've always been struck by the gender disparity at cycling events. Men don't have a problem having a hobby of their own, and their spouses seem to enable them to attend all day events. It sounds like the issue here is that there's no reciprocity, you don't have your own time to pursue an activity outside watching your kids. That's something you need to negotiate.

I'm guessing you are reaping the benefits of having a very fit, athletic sexual partner, at least?

Does your husband?

[Anonymous]

It must be exhausting being a martyr, sacrificing one's self for children.No wonder you don't have time to train for a marathon.

[Anonymous]

My ex decided to train for a marathon when we had a newborn, a 2 year old and sick parents. I had just returned to work. This was never discussed and there was no "plan." He just took the time and left me to do everything else.

I never learned the art of getting another adult to do things. There was no trading off time, there was no acknowledgement of the toll this took on me. On weekends when he went for long runs, he was gone that whole time, then the eating, showering and resting. It was a nearly all day event. Next day he'd be "too tired" to take the kids. He would just refuse to get out of bed, would scream and yell if I tried to relax. Would make it miserable when I returned home if I left the house.

I supported him, despite thinking this was one of the most selfish choices he made during our marriage. We went to watch him during the marathon, I drove him back late at night with kids in the car so he could pick up his car, and I was responsible for the kids during the next day when he recovered at home and off work. Not a lovely memory of family time or examples of healthy activity for our kids. It was not any of those things. It was something my ex decided he wanted to do, and he did it with no regard for anyone else or the impact it had.

I didn't look at this as a non-kid-related hobby. Fully support adult-time and alone time, but it needs to be discussed as such and both partners should be doing what they want during their individual "me" time. Infants and toddlers require a lot more work, and I think time-intensive hobbies (long periods of personal time) are unrealistic for most families during those years if both parents are working full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's first marathon was when I was nine months pregnant and he has done about 6 more marathons since...and we have three kids under the age of 7. We have traveled with him, met him at local races at the finish line, and cheered him along the way. Sometimes he goes alone. Some years he doesn't train. It was not always easy for me to drag the kids to the race, but I did it happily because I wash proud of him and wanted to share the happy experience with my kids. Likewise, when I started getting back in shape after having kids, he cheered me on during my races and triathlons and brought our kids to watch. Exercize has just become part of our family's daily lives. My 7 years old just competed in his first triathlon this summer. I bike or run with one of my kids at least twice a week.

I would try to be less resentful and more encouraging of your husband. He is taking care of himself and setting a good example for the kids. He definitely needs to change his running schedule and run early morning or evening though. Next time he goes out, one or two of the kids should be in the jogging stroller with him or biking next to him. Next time he plans a long run for saturday, you plan something for yourself sunday morning.

If he will make adjustments, you can make it work and your family will be better for it. He will thank you for it one day, and will hopefully repay you when it is your turn in whatever hobby you pursue. Marriage doesn't have to be 50/50 100% of the time. Sometime you give a little more, sometimes he gives a little more.

My husband does at least 8 races a year and runs everyday. It does not bother me, because he wakes up early or uses his lunch break. And if he does leave me with the kids, he is grateful and then let's me have time too.

The only thing i REFUSE to do is take the kids to his races. I have 2 under 5. It is impossible to push a stroller through the crowds and/or stop the kids from bolting. And waiting for dad to cross the finish line is interesting for like a minute. These are not family events for young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex decided to train for a marathon when we had a newborn, a 2 year old and sick parents. I had just returned to work. This was never discussed and there was no "plan." He just took the time and left me to do everything else.

I never learned the art of getting another adult to do things. There was no trading off time, there was no acknowledgement of the toll this took on me. On weekends when he went for long runs, he was gone that whole time, then the eating, showering and resting. It was a nearly all day event. Next day he'd be "too tired" to take the kids. He would just refuse to get out of bed, would scream and yell if I tried to relax. Would make it miserable when I returned home if I left the house.

I supported him, despite thinking this was one of the most selfish choices he made during our marriage. We went to watch him during the marathon, I drove him back late at night with kids in the car so he could pick up his car, and I was responsible for the kids during the next day when he recovered at home and off work. Not a lovely memory of family time or examples of healthy activity for our kids. It was not any of those things. It was something my ex decided he wanted to do, and he did it with no regard for anyone else or the impact it had.

I didn't look at this as a non-kid-related hobby. Fully support adult-time and alone time, but it needs to be discussed as such and both partners should be doing what they want during their individual "me" time. Infants and toddlers require a lot more work, and I think time-intensive hobbies (long periods of personal time) are unrealistic for most families during those years if both parents are working full time.

I am confused. Did you marry Lance Armstrong or did this new hobby of his develop over night?

[Anonymous]

Above. I responded to the wrong poster.

[Anonymous]

Good stuff in this very similar older thread:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/328653.page

[Anonymous]

I don't think triathlon training such as described in this post is such a great example for the kids. It is selfish and self-centered in nature - way way way beyond fit and healthy. Fit and healthy is a family friendly lifestyle. Triathlon is all about the individual all of the time! In my opinion this is not an admirable way to spend all of these hours. Single, married, with kids or without kids it is never admirable to be so overly focused on one's own self.

[Anonymous]

I have a two year old and am training for my first marathon. My DH is very resentful of the time I spend training on the weekend. We were fighting so badly for awhile that we almost ended up in counseling. Eventually I realized the only way I could do it without making major waves was to run at night after 9pm. It sucks and sometimes I wish he'd watch the kid while I do a long run on a weekend morning. But a marathon is not worth any more stress to my marriage. In the end it's just a race. I figure if I want it badly enough I can manage the late night runs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both parents work full time (and my husband and I do) I think it is ridiculous to get a regular sitter on the weekends during their waking hours. Most working patents barely see their kids during the week so the weekends are the one block of time when you can spent quality time with them. The average person lives 70 plus years so it is not like dialing it back while your kids are young is asking a whole lot.[/quote



Agree with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be exhausting being a martyr, sacrificing one's self for children.No wonder you don't have time to train for a marathon.

Small children require a degree of sacrifice, yep. What, you think it's just fine to constantly outsource a 3-month old and two under-fives in the little time you have with them in the evenings and on weekends? Sure, a regular date night, a little me time. But the extent to which OP's husband is doing it, no. Just no. How is OP a martyr? She's just a mom, doing the best she can with what looks like very little support. If she dials it in, the kids have no one. How exactly does her difficult position make her a martyr?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's first marathon was when I was nine months pregnant and he has done about 6 more marathons since...and we have three kids under the age of 7. We have traveled with him, met him at local races at the finish line, and cheered him along the way. Sometimes he goes alone. Some years he doesn't train. It was not always easy for me to drag the kids to the race, but I did it happily because I wash proud of him and wanted to share the happy experience with my kids. Likewise, when I started getting back in shape after having kids, he cheered me on during my races and triathlons and brought our kids to watch. Exercize has just become part of our family's daily lives. My 7 years old just competed in his first triathlon this summer. I bike or run with one of my kids at least twice a week.

I would try to be less resentful and more encouraging of your husband. He is taking care of himself and setting a good example for the kids. He definitely needs to change his running schedule and run early morning or evening though. Next time he goes out, one or two of the kids should be in the jogging stroller with him or biking next to him. Next time he plans a long run for saturday, you plan something for yourself sunday morning.

If he will make adjustments, you can make it work and your family will be better for it. He will thank you for it one day, and will hopefully repay you when it is your turn in whatever hobby you pursue. Marriage doesn't have to be 50/50 100% of the time. Sometime you give a little more, sometimes he gives a little more.

Well. Aren't you and your husband and your little tri-athlete kids just wonderful.