Reply to If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My ex decided to train for a marathon when we had a newborn, a 2 year old and sick parents.  I had just returned to work.  This was never discussed and there was no "plan."  He just took the time and left me to do everything else.

I never learned the art of getting another adult to do things.  There was no trading off time, there was no acknowledgement of the toll this took on me.  On weekends when he went for long runs, he was gone that whole time, then the eating, showering and resting.  It was a nearly all day event.  Next day he'd be "too tired" to take the kids.  He would just refuse to get out of bed, would scream and yell if I tried to relax.  Would make it miserable when I returned home if I left the house.

I supported him, despite thinking this was one of the most selfish choices he made during our marriage.  We went to watch him during the marathon, I drove him back late at night with kids in the car so he could pick up his car, and I was responsible for the kids during the next day when he recovered at home and off work.  Not a lovely memory of family time or examples of healthy activity for our kids.  It was not any of those things.  It was something my ex decided he wanted to do, and he did it with no regard for anyone else or the impact it had.

I didn't look at this as a non-kid-related hobby.  Fully support adult-time and alone time, but it needs to be discussed as such and both partners should be doing what they want during their individual "me" time.  Infants and toddlers require a lot more work, and I think time-intensive hobbies (long periods of personal time) are unrealistic for most families during those years if both parents are working full time.[/quote]

I am a runner--I've run one marathon and am currently training for a few more.

Honestly, from your description, it sounds like your ex trained too hard/too short of time for a marathon.   A long run shouldn't take "all day" to recover from.   I go on a 20 mile run in the morning and after about an hour of shower/eating/recovery I'm back doing normal things--grocery shopping, going to the kids sports events, folding laundry, going out to dinner that night, etc.   So starting a long run at six am, there is no reason why he couldn't have been back in the swing of things around 11 am...

His behavior isn't something that just happens when anyone trains--it sounds like he was just an ass and that type of selfishness would have shown itself whether his hobby was running or photography or fishing.[/quote]

I'm the PP you're responding to -- and yes, you are correct.  In part, that's what made the whole situation so upsetting.  This guy is no long-distance runner.  He exercises, but this was a one shot deal.  He chose a horrendous time to cross this one off his bucket list.  He is and was an ass.  He feels very entitled as though he deserved this experience.  Why?  I have no idea.  Our relationship was awful, but I chose badly and that is my regret in life.  While I'm sure he was always selfish, it was not as apparent until we had kids and family stress.  I had other demands on my time and needed some help sometimes.  That's not his strong suit, so things didn't go so well.  [/quote]

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