If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cyclist, and I've always been struck by the gender disparity at cycling events. Men don't have a problem having a hobby of their own, and their spouses seem to enable them to attend all day events. It sounds like the issue here is that there's no reciprocity, you don't have your own time to pursue an activity outside watching your kids. That's something you need to negotiate.

I'm guessing you are reaping the benefits of having a very fit, athletic sexual partner, at least?

DH didn't start his marathon running until after I was pregnant. He also signed up for a marathon smack dab in the middle of the busiest time of year at work for both of us. Between working long hours, and taking care of an infant - I don't have time to spend on a similar commitment. DH has suggested I pursue my own activity, but my days are already hectic enough. Someone has to take care of the baby while he is out running.

So what is his suggestion for taking care of the baby while you follow his suggestion to pursue your own activity? Oh wait, he didn't think that one through...

No he didn't think it through at all. He does daycare pickup, and when I get home the house is a mess and dinner hasn't been started. He's also been going since 630 am this morning on his long run, and I'm guessing he won't be back for at least another hour. He also drives to his runs because he 'gets bored' running in our neighborhood. I'm just worried that this is going to turn into a major time commitment for him, and it's going to get worse as LO gets older.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend did an ironman. I dumped his self centered selfish egomaniac ass the day after the race.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, if you are in a relationship and want to do these types of events, you have to find a way to train when it doesn't inconvenience everybody else in your life. Otherwise you are a self-centered asshole.
Signed, marathoner and triathlete mom

[Anonymous]

May get flamed for this, but are you entirely sure he's just running? These runs sound so so long.

[Anonymous]

You must not be a runner or triathlete. Watch football as your 'sport?'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May get flamed for this, but are you entirely sure he's just running? These runs sound so so long.

I'm guessing the only time you have run is after the food truck as it's pulling away.

[Anonymous]

No experience with marathons. Honest question, not trying to be snarky so please don't do the same to me. But 4 hours a day? Wow, with a family left at home. It's honestly shocking to me.

[Anonymous]

I think a 30-45 minute daily run is OK. But spending entire days dealing with what amounts to a hobby is excessive when you've got young kids.

The only exception would be if he reciprocates and agrees to give you a "day off" from the kids every week, while you get to go out and have some time to yourself.

[Anonymous]

To me this isn't about marathons or triathlons, it's about finding balance as adults between "me time" and family commitments. You could say the same thing about golf or poker nights or girls' days at the spa, etc.

DH and I used to both be very active playing hours of tennis every week, he belonged to three or four separate teams at one point in addition to playing just for fun. In addition, we are both runners. Since having kids, we both have dialed it way back. When our oldest was a baby, we would run during naptime with him in a stroller. Otherwise, although it's not as enjoyable, runs are usually early morning on the treadmill or in the evenings. He's cut back to one tennis team and I have totally given it up for the time being, choosing instead to use that free time as time to spend with my girlfriends.

You two need to talk. The amount of me-time he is getting doesn't seem proportional to the needs of your family regardless of how he's spending it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No experience with marathons. Honest question, not trying to be snarky so please don't do the same to me. But 4 hours a day? Wow, with a family left at home. It's honestly shocking to me.

Yes, I'm PP and when I was much younger I did marathons. Say you have a 15 or 20mi run scheduled. To make the math easy let's say you're running a 10min/mi pace. That's 6mph so you're talking a 2.5-3.5hr run. Throw in the time to get ready (including possibly driving to and from your running location if you don't simply run from your front door), time to stretch, and then showering and eating when you get home and yes it easily adds up to a 4hr day. Plus, you're probably tired and will want a nap. And that's just the long-run. You'll also have multiple other 30-90min runs during the course of the week.

A marathon is no small commitment. Nothing wrong with it if both partners are in agreement about how to make it work for their family, but it's definitely not 30min a couple of times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

Are you kidding? Did you actually read her post? She has 2 preschoolers and a 3 month old? Explain how a mother who is nursing a 3 month old gets "personal time" when she has a spouse that is gone running all day? Does she get to sneak off to Starbucks for 30 minutes and bask in her alone time?

How is she supposed to take care of them during a race? She should just stand around with them for several hours? She should just hang out in a hotel for hours on end? These kids have to be fed and have nap schedules. And how are toddlers and a newborn appreciating the benefits of exercise? Please explain how the family would enjoy these out of town events "together?" Walk us through what meals and race day would look like for one parent, 2 toddlers and an infant in an unfamiliar city.

I've run a marathon. It's more than just a hobby. It is an intense time commitment that takes a toll on the family. When I was getting closer to the race day, I was basically unavailable for at least one day on the weekend. Our kids were in elementary school, and my spouse was great. But damn, I cannot fathom doing that with kids under the age of 5.

Ditto. The PP touting the family benefits of marathon running is a moron (and must be single and childless).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband didn't exercise like this but he worked -- a lot. many weekends and evenings plus travel. It is very hard to change someone who is set in their ways (we married out of grad school so I had no idea that work would be so consuming for him).

He did respond to "I need you home for X" whether it was a birthday party, soccer game, etc." Also, I hired a sitter and quit feeling guilty about it. Eventually though, we did end up in counseling. Things are much, much better now, although some of that has to do with his age (late 40's and has achieved all that he sought out to do) and his desire to be around the kids now that they are older.

It was very disappointing but at some point I made a decision that I wasn't going to let the resentment ruin me (and us) and worked very hard to find a solution -- or really a lot of little solutions.

That's not quite the same thing since he was achieving in his career, which presumably had some sort of benefit for your family as a whole (e.g., higher pay).

Also, to the PP on the first page, "Cat in Cradle" is Harry Chapin, not Cat Stevens. Man, that was bugging me. You all stayed on topic so well; I can't believe no one else flagged that.

[Anonymous]

*"Cats in the Cradle"

[Anonymous]

You need your own "thing" too. Then each gets equal time. DW runs, I bike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May get flamed for this, but are you entirely sure he's just running? These runs sound so so long.

I'm guessing the only time you have run is after the food truck as it's pulling away.[/quote

Different poster, but I had the same thought as the PP who is suspicious.

My DH has run marathons for the past several years. He has never spent an entire day running - so much so that he missed being home for supper, even. 7PM? Seems very odd.