If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, I know this life. My husband trained for insane bike races all over the country. It was selfish and took away from our family. To the poster who threw it all back on the spouse, that's bullshit. I had no choice other than divorce which seems a little extreme. My spouse did none of this when we were dating or first married. It was his mid life crisis. He paid the price as he isn't as close to anyone in our family. Kids are teens and it is what it is. I get what the op is is saying though. He still works out insanely, but the races are done for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cyclist, and I've always been struck by the gender disparity at cycling events. Men don't have a problem having a hobby of their own, and their spouses seem to enable them to attend all day events. It sounds like the issue here is that there's no reciprocity, you don't have your own time to pursue an activity outside watching your kids. That's something you need to negotiate.

I'm guessing you are reaping the benefits of having a very fit, athletic sexual partner, at least?

DH didn't start his marathon running until after I was pregnant. He also signed up for a marathon smack dab in the middle of the busiest time of year at work for both of us. Between working long hours, and taking care of an infant - I don't have time to spend on a similar commitment. DH has suggested I pursue my own activity, but my days are already hectic enough. Someone has to take care of the baby while he is out running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That shit doesn't fly in my house. But clearly you have been enabling this if you are on kid 3 and he still thinks its ok.

I said it on another thread about this a while ago, and I still say it. You decide how you will be treated. If you don't like it, stop it.

And how is OP supposed to do that? Tie the laces of his running shoes together? Swap the Mile 24 sign for the Mile 1 sign?

Wow. You don't know how to have a conversation about things that bother you in a relationship, and how that could be remedied via compromise?

[Anonymous]

DH was a marathon runner when I met him and when we dated. After we had kids he decided it wasn't fair to be gone for hours on end running for pleasure. He now runs daily, after the kids are in bed, for about an hour. I'd like more us time, but I accept this as a good compromise.

[Anonymous]

The direct method works. He needs to know how you feel. Its an addiction, even if its athletic and " healthy", its still an addiction that is hurting you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cyclist, and I've always been struck by the gender disparity at cycling events. Men don't have a problem having a hobby of their own, and their spouses seem to enable them to attend all day events. It sounds like the issue here is that there's no reciprocity, you don't have your own time to pursue an activity outside watching your kids. That's something you need to negotiate.

I'm guessing you are reaping the benefits of having a very fit, athletic sexual partner, at least?

Not OP, but they sleep A LOT when they are training for a marathon or triathlon...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would piss me off. DH runs marathons and we have a preschooler and infant. He runs at 5am during the week and is back before the older one is up. He does a long run on Saturdays and is home by 9am - he then takes the kids Sunday am for the same amount of time so I can exercise, sleep in, whatever.

My spouse does a similar schedule. Our kids are a little older, but sometimes he ran during nap time too when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cyclist, and I've always been struck by the gender disparity at cycling events. Men don't have a problem having a hobby of their own, and their spouses seem to enable them to attend all day events. It sounds like the issue here is that there's no reciprocity, you don't have your own time to pursue an activity outside watching your kids. That's something you need to negotiate.

I'm guessing you are reaping the benefits of having a very fit, athletic sexual partner, at least?

DH didn't start his marathon running until after I was pregnant. He also signed up for a marathon smack dab in the middle of the busiest time of year at work for both of us. Between working long hours, and taking care of an infant - I don't have time to spend on a similar commitment. DH has suggested I pursue my own activity, but my days are already hectic enough. Someone has to take care of the baby while he is out running.

So what is his suggestion for taking care of the baby while you follow his suggestion to pursue your own activity? Oh wait, he didn't think that one through...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

Are you kidding? Did you actually read her post? She has 2 preschoolers and a 3 month old? Explain how a mother who is nursing a 3 month old gets "personal time" when she has a spouse that is gone running all day? Does she get to sneak off to Starbucks for 30 minutes and bask in her alone time?

How is she supposed to take care of them during a race? She should just stand around with them for several hours? She should just hang out in a hotel for hours on end? These kids have to be fed and have nap schedules. And how are toddlers and a newborn appreciating the benefits of exercise? Please explain how the family would enjoy these out of town events "together?" Walk us through what meals and race day would look like for one parent, 2 toddlers and an infant in an unfamiliar city.

I've run a marathon. It's more than just a hobby. It is an intense time commitment that takes a toll on the family. When I was getting closer to the race day, I was basically unavailable for at least one day on the weekend. Our kids were in elementary school, and my spouse was great. But damn, I cannot fathom doing that with kids under the age of 5.

[Anonymous]

My husband didn't exercise like this but he worked -- a lot. many weekends and evenings plus travel. It is very hard to change someone who is set in their ways (we married out of grad school so I had no idea that work would be so consuming for him).

He did respond to "I need you home for X" whether it was a birthday party, soccer game, etc." Also, I hired a sitter and quit feeling guilty about it. Eventually though, we did end up in counseling. Things are much, much better now, although some of that has to do with his age (late 40's and has achieved all that he sought out to do) and his desire to be around the kids now that they are older.

It was very disappointing but at some point I made a decision that I wasn't going to let the resentment ruin me (and us) and worked very hard to find a solution -- or really a lot of little solutions.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the above comment he's an ass. Or having an affair.

Running a few mile a week has more health benefits than being a marathoner -- less damage to the body.

[Anonymous]

I run a marathon a year and next month am traveling to california for a Ragnar relay. My DH sometimes joins me, as he's a runner too. We both wake up at 5am and alternate morning runs while the other does the treadmill. We also both work full time. We have a standing sitter saturday mornings for our long runs together. Kids travel with us to races and cheer us on at the finish line. Kids even participant in fun Runs and 5ks. Fitenss is for the whole family. When they were little, we really got into biking and pulled them everywhere in the trailer.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 6:58. I have run a few marathons but now that I have two kids under 5, there's no way I could train properly for one. I will wait until they are older. For now, I am happy if I can do a few short runs a week.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. I am divorced and dating again. I will not date triathletes -- period! I will date marathon runners if they do one a year (no more). Yup, that's a little severe on my part, but I find that most triathletes are addicted to exercise and have a very hard time balancing work, exercise and family.