If your spouse is a marathon runner, tri-athlete, etc ......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get resentful of the time commitment?
We have three small children (including a 3 month old) and I can't help but feel that the time required is unfair to me.
The health benefits of running i get - but I am pretty sure you achieve the health benefits by running a few miles a few times a week. No marathons required. No out of town races required. No "theme" runs required.
I even understand the thrill of a race - but there are plenty of local ones!!
Today I ran myself ragged with 2 preschoolers plus baby, after a night with little sleep (baby woke up at 2), spouse returned at 7 pm and took a long bath and went to bed. Tomorrow spouse needs 2 hour massage for leg muscles.
Gimme a fucking break.

A couple issues going on here. But first, let me say I totally disagree with your position dis-allowing marathons, out of town races, theme runs. These are all great things that a family can enjoy together, and is a great example to the children of an adult having fun while exercising and staying healthy and fit. Doesn't your whole family travel together for these out-of-town events? If not, why not? I hope you can get beyond the immediate resentment and see the longer view that these race activities could be very much a great thing for a family to be involved with.

Second thing is, I feel that all parents really SHOULD have some hobbies or activities (racing is a good one). OP do you agree with this as a basic principle? And in order for both parents to have their own "outside thing" it means splitting up child duties to provide coverage while spouse is away doing his/her thing.

Third, what's the appropriate amount of time to allocate for parent's hobbies? Sounds like OP would answer on the "low" side, while her H would answer on the "high" side. I often see moms especially become 100% focused on the kids, and so any time at all away from these kids is perceived as "bad". But actually both parents need some time to relax away from the kids. OP are you getting enough personal time away from the kids?

Last, the best "trick" for more hobby time has already been suggested: get up early, or stay up late. Is H able to do more training during these hours?

Are you kidding? Did you actually read her post? She has 2 preschoolers and a 3 month old? Explain how a mother who is nursing a 3 month old gets "personal time" when she has a spouse that is gone running all day? Does she get to sneak off to Starbucks for 30 minutes and bask in her alone time?

How is she supposed to take care of them during a race? She should just stand around with them for several hours? She should just hang out in a hotel for hours on end? These kids have to be fed and have nap schedules. And how are toddlers and a newborn appreciating the benefits of exercise? Please explain how the family would enjoy these out of town events "together?" Walk us through what meals and race day would look like for one parent, 2 toddlers and an infant in an unfamiliar city.

I've run a marathon. It's more than just a hobby. It is an intense time commitment that takes a toll on the family. When I was getting closer to the race day, I was basically unavailable for at least one day on the weekend. Our kids were in elementary school, and my spouse was great. But damn, I cannot fathom doing that with kids under the age of 5.

Ditto. The PP touting the family benefits of marathon running is a moron (and must be single and childless).

+1. I didn't have the energy to respond to first PP's post but it blows my mind that people just don't get it. Standing in a crowd for hours wearing your newborn, corralling the two preschoolers, searching for Mom or Dad as they come over the finish line, so they can go home and rest after their big accomplishment and you can continue taking care of the kids. Fun for the whole family, huh? B*llsh*t. Both my parents did marathons and brought us kids to the races. It was awesome because they shared the experience! One raced, the other watched, then they'd swap. But that's rare. If this is a one-sided gig, it blows.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed as well.

While I commend the fact that he is involved in a hobby that is healthy + positive overall, I still have an issue w/the fact that this hobby is taking so much time away from his family responsibilities.

As both a husband and a father, he now has certain adult responsibilities that he has to fulfill and his hobby is taking too much time away from them. He needs to understand that he cannot have the same type of lifestyle he did when he was younger.

Therefore it is time for him to be responsible and take into consideration that there are certain things in life that he is going to have to sacrifice now that he is a husband and a parent and for him, spending so much time running marathons will have to be at the top of the list.

He won't be too happy, but he made the choice to add a few new hats to wear in his daily life.

[Anonymous]

It's too one sided. Dragging the family and spending a lot of money to do it just to watch dh come over the finish line is ridiculous. If he actually expects that, he is an ass. If it's a local thing fine, but I agreements many posters here and op, it's selfish and I don't care how "healthy" it is.

[Anonymous]

It's too one sided. Dragging the family and spending a lot of money to do it just to watch dh come over the finish line is ridiculous. If he actually expects that, he is an ass. If it's a local thing fine, but I agreements many posters here and op, it's selfish and I don't care how "healthy" it is.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the double post. Weird freeze on my ipad.

[Anonymous]

This guy's got 3 small kids at home and a resentful wife. I'd be signing up for marathons, too. I'm still not clear what the source of resentment is: that he has a out of the house hobby (which she could too, with time management and ppossibly a babysitter), or that she thinks all of his free time must now be spent with "the family".

I suspect a lot of these spouses are introverts that need alone time to recharge.

[Anonymous]

You have obviously never trained for something like this. It's not just out of the house, it is obsessive and never ending. I also find it sad that you think he wants to get away from his young family. Now he really sounds like an ass and I would welcome the divorce if that were the case, but not my story or family thank God.

[Anonymous]

This needs to be a mutually acceptable commitment. My husband does tris, and he is considerate about how much time & energy it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy's got 3 small kids at home and a resentful wife. I'd be signing up for marathons, too. I'm still not clear what the source of resentment is: that he has a out of the house hobby (which she could too, with time management and ppossibly a babysitter), or that she thinks all of his free time must now be spent with "the family".

I suspect a lot of these spouses are introverts that need alone time to recharge.

I suspect that if the marathoning spouse were helping to make sure the bolded portion happened for his wife, there'd be a whole lot less resentment. Sure, have a hobby, but make sure everyone's getting equal opportunity, and that your hobby isn't coming at everyone else's expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy's got 3 small kids at home and a resentful wife. I'd be signing up for marathons, too. I'm still not clear what the source of resentment is: that he has a out of the house hobby (which she could too, with time management and ppossibly a babysitter), or that she thinks all of his free time must now be spent with "the family".

I suspect a lot of these spouses are introverts that need alone time to recharge.

And I suspect you your head up your ass if you can't figure out the source of resentment. OP has a 3 month old. That means she hasn't slept more than 5 hours in the last 4 months. She's the sole source of the baby's nutrition. And there are 2 other kids under 5. She's not looking for "time management" tips. She's looking for the father of the children he created to be available for their care.

[Anonymous]

My husband's first marathon was when I was nine months pregnant and he has done about 6 more marathons since...and we have three kids under the age of 7. We have traveled with him, met him at local races at the finish line, and cheered him along the way. Sometimes he goes alone. Some years he doesn't train. It was not always easy for me to drag the kids to the race, but I did it happily because I wash proud of him and wanted to share the happy experience with my kids. Likewise, when I started getting back in shape after having kids, he cheered me on during my races and triathlons and brought our kids to watch. Exercize has just become part of our family's daily lives. My 7 years old just competed in his first triathlon this summer. I bike or run with one of my kids at least twice a week.

I would try to be less resentful and more encouraging of your husband. He is taking care of himself and setting a good example for the kids. He definitely needs to change his running schedule and run early morning or evening though. Next time he goes out, one or two of the kids should be in the jogging stroller with him or biking next to him. Next time he plans a long run for saturday, you plan something for yourself sunday morning.

If he will make adjustments, you can make it work and your family will be better for it. He will thank you for it one day, and will hopefully repay you when it is your turn in whatever hobby you pursue. Marriage doesn't have to be 50/50 100% of the time. Sometime you give a little more, sometimes he gives a little more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have obviously never trained for something like this. It's not just out of the house, it is obsessive and never ending. I also find it sad that you think he wants to get away from his young family. Now he really sounds like an ass and I would welcome the divorce if that were the case, but not my story or family thank God.

Were we talking about the Ironman, I would agree with you, but honestly, if he's done a few marathons already and has base fitness, training for a marathon isn't that onerous or time consuming. Couple hour long runs during the week and a long run on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This guy's got 3 small kids at home and a resentful wife. I'd be signing up for marathons, too. I'm still not clear what the source of resentment is: that he has a out of the house hobby (which she could too, with time management and ppossibly a babysitter), or that she thinks all of his free time must now be spent with "the family".

I suspect a lot of these spouses are introverts that need alone time to recharge.

And I suspect you your head up your ass if you can't figure out the source of resentment. OP has a 3 month old. That means she hasn't slept more than 5 hours in the last 4 months. She's the sole source of the baby's nutrition. And there are 2 other kids under 5. She's not looking for "time management" tips. She's looking for the father of the children he created to be available for their care.

Did he want 3kids under the age of 5, or was this what she wanted as her "hobby"?

[Anonymous]

If both parents work full time (and my husband and I do) I think it is ridiculous to get a regular sitter on the weekends during their waking hours. Most working patents barely see their kids during the week so the weekends are the one block of time when you can spent quality time with them. The average person lives 70 plus years so it is not like dialing it back while your kids are young is asking a whole lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would piss me off. DH runs marathons and we have a preschooler and infant. He runs at 5am during the week and is back before the older one is up. He does a long run on Saturdays and is home by 9am - he then takes the kids Sunday am for the same amount of time so I can exercise, sleep in, whatever.

This is what my husband does too. I read him op's post and he said "he's gotta be getting paid to run for that to be okay."