Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her how you feel, not to guilt her into coming, but to clear the air. Things like this can fester over time and it does no one any good.

I'm betting after she became an empty nester she had to figure out her life and her volunteering has become important to her. Not that she doesn't love you, but you have your own life and family. And once things get back to normal for you, she's left to go back to her volunteer activities ( the people she bailed on ).

This is simply the flipside of all of the posters who rant, bitch and complain when their aging parents need help and the posters have "their own lives," kids, jobs and can't be bothered by their parent's lack of planning and health issues.

Elder health issues and dementia and the like are a far cry from what the OP is asking.

[Anonymous]

So, the only way for you to believe your mother loves tou is if she expresses her love
A) exactly the way you express love to others
B) by always putting your desires (NOT needs, but desires) ahead of her own

Sure. That seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Can DH's mom come, or some other relative? Your mom for whatever reason does not want to come. Look for help elsewhere. Needing some help is reasonable, but thinking that only your mother can do it isn't going to solve matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go.

Did she describe what her volunteer obligation was? What if it is to help someone who is in a much more dire situation than you?

Then there are the moms who won't help anyway. My mom is one of those. I wouldn't dream of asking her to come in a situation like yours, because 1) she wouldn't want to come in the first place, and 2) if I said something, she'd come, but be resentful the entire time. I'm betting your mom isn't one of these types. Feel lucky that you have a mom that cares enough to come later, and find someone else to help in the time that she can't.

+1
This is my mother as well. Maybe be glad you know in advance you can't count on her. The alternative is worse. My mother agreed to help then said she had a doctor's appointment and never came back. This was during a time we were between childcare and it was extremely difficult. I have never trusted her since.

[Anonymous]

Both my mom and MIL were the way your mom is OP. DH and I felt sad about it at the time but we were so busy all we could do was attempt to perservere. Years later, each MIL and mom really regretted their behavior, but by then no one cared. They made lame attempts to see the kids more then, but the kids as well as the cousins were busy with college and high school. So at that point we got to hear all about how "no one wants to come see me, why don't the kids come see me?".

[Anonymous]

Aren't there lots of support groups for military spouses? What do you need help with? Hire a babysitter to watch kids when you are in labor. Or one of your friends. Or a member of a spouse support group. Then come home and do your normal stuff. This is kid #3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't there lots of support groups for military spouses? What do you need help with? Hire a babysitter to watch kids when you are in labor. Or one of your friends. Or a member of a spouse support group. Then come home and do your normal stuff. This is kid #3.

+1 Military moms are spoiled and entitled. Who else gets and expects so much from a job for high school dropouts?

[Anonymous]

OP, i think there is quite a bit going on here. I think you are anxious about your DH leaving, are very hormonal and worried about how to deal with three.

So I think you want your Mom not just for the extra hands but also for comfort for you. I think you can express this to her. I always wanted my Mom after my children were born. She never came but I had this longing for her. So I will leave space for that when my daughters have children.

If all you really want is the extra set of hands, well start lining up sitters. But my hunch is you want more than someone to help with dinner and laundry. You want company and emotional support and your Mom has obligations (however dismissive you are about them). So this why you come off a little bratty. I do not find you bratty just not very self aware.

Thank you for your husbands service and best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i think there is quite a bit going on here. I think you are anxious about your DH leaving, are very hormonal and worried about how to deal with three.

So I think you want your Mom not just for the extra hands but also for comfort for you. I think you can express this to her. I always wanted my Mom after my children were born. She never came but I had this longing for her. So I will leave space for that when my daughters have children.

If all you really want is the extra set of hands, well start lining up sitters. But my hunch is you want more than someone to help with dinner and laundry. You want company and emotional support and your Mom has obligations (however dismissive you are about them). So this why you come off a little bratty. I do not find you bratty just not very self aware.

Thank you for your husbands service and best of luck to you.

If what you want is emotional support from your mom, tell her that. Hire a babysitter to be the extra hands and ask her to be around to hang out with you. Most nearly 70 year olds don't want to be the primary care giver to two kids while you take care of a baby. If it is just to be a help to the actual caregivers, that might be different to her.

[Anonymous]

Well, I sorta thought she would be interested in whether he lived or died. But yeah. Her world revolves around her. Good luck to her in the "memory care unit" with that attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I sorta thought she would be interested in whether he lived or died. But yeah. Her world revolves around her. Good luck to her in the "memory care unit" with that attitude.

There's no issue here of someone living or dying. Are you as pissed at your DH for committing g to a career that will have him away from home unpredictably for the long term? After all, shouldn't he too care if his own baby lives or dies as you put it? Or is your scorn reserved for your mother, with her volunteer work you dismiss, while your DH gets a pass because, well, you've decided you respect what he does and that he has commitments outside the family?

[Anonymous]

You know, I love my kids and my grandkids to pieces. However, I wasn't there when my last one was born. I'm going soon---but my dil and son agreed that maybe having me there right away wasn't best. Too many emotions.

As needy as you sound, maybe your mom feels the need for a little distance. I know that I've deliberately withdrawn when I felt that my kids needed to learn to lean on me a bit less. It's healthier for everyone in the long run. Your mom is a person, not your free childcare or an extension of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel OP. When I had baby #2, he was a preemie and in the NICU for a week. My mom went on a ski vacation and didn't even call for several days to see how the baby was.

No cell towers. Why should She call. She was on vacation. Her world does not revolve around you, your k u ds, or your problems.

PP's example is way worse than what OP's mom is saying and *you* sound way out of touch to think it's normal for Grams to not even call when her new grandchild is in the NICU. Sure, it happens in some families, but normal? Not really.

[Anonymous]

OP, it might help you to think about your relationship with your mom in a broader context since you've become an adult. You were hoping she'd jump at the chance to come out & help. She didn't and it hurts, a lot. But try not to hold a grudge - there probably were times that she was even more hurt by something you did, or didn't do, that wasn't intentional on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her how you feel, not to guilt her into coming, but to clear the air. Things like this can fester over time and it does no one any good.

I'm betting after she became an empty nester she had to figure out her life and her volunteering has become important to her. Not that she doesn't love you, but you have your own life and family. And once things get back to normal for you, she's left to go back to her volunteer activities ( the people she bailed on ).

This is simply the flipside of all of the posters who rant, bitch and complain when their aging parents need help and the posters have "their own lives," kids, jobs and can't be bothered by their parent's lack of planning and health issues.

Elder health issues and dementia and the like are a far cry from what the OP is asking.

Prime example of self absorbtion.