Husbands: do you secretly wish your SAH wives bought in a paycheck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many WOHMs who have not stayed at home just have to chime in.

Insecure much?

It's basically ALL women chiming in. The question was for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of husbands seem to think wife returning to work will magically incur no other problems. My neighbor has two kids, one 5 and the other 2, and wants his wife to return to work.

BUT the neighbor *refuses* to do any daycare pickup/dropoff, or handle any emergencies that pop up during the day. I'm not 100% sure he fully understands that for a few years, his wife's salary will be close to nil after aftercare is factored in (or dealing with the randomness of at-home daycares.)

I'm a husband who no so secretly wants my wife to return to work. I understand I will have to do a lot more, but I already do a lot. My wife finds her role as SAH overwhelming. Even if she does not start out at a high level, she will work her way up, plus the benefit of contributing to retirement. As it is now, I can only contribute 17K/yr to 401K, if she had a 401K and could also hit 17K that would be huge for our future. I know many bright and successful mothers in my industry who have worked their way up to a good salary.

I've looked into aftercare (our kids are older) and the break even point for her is 30K. I'm positive with an MBA she will be making over that.

There comes a point in time where she will cross the threshold and essentially become unemployable. If I get cancer or some other physical problem that prevents me from working, we'd be homeless in a year. We have no family to bail is out. The best thing that could happen to me if something did happen would be an instant death, so they could get insurance. If I were incapacitated long term, I would lose my employment insurance and probably have no money to pay for our private plan.

You sound like a modern man instead of one of the Mad Men throwbacks on here. I like you!

[Anonymous]

13:52 back. My husband is supportive of whatever I want to do which is awesome. We don't need my income but it's nice because it pays for lots of extras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I like coming home to a clean house, a happy wife and a hot meal. I make enough so money is not an issue.

+1. I love my job and don't like raising kids/household chores. I like spending time with my kids doing fun activities, but leave the rest to my wife. Having a wife at home means I can go on work trips, take clients out to dinner, work late at the office, and spend weekends golfing or hiking with my friends if I want -- and know when I do get home, there will be a hot meal waiting for me.

You don't like raising kids? Why the fuck did you have them, then? And what with all of the work trips/dinners, working late, golf and friend time, I'm amazed you got married either, since you clearly have time for your wife and those "fun activities" with your kids. Don't kid yourself, I bet your wife is cheating on you and secretly hates your guts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

You'd have to have a *very* high income to be able to outsource everything, because many things have to be done to your specifications. Errands for example -- the best way to get that done is to have a personal assistant. Cooking -- if you're going to outsource all cooking, eventually you'll want to have a personal chef, because that way you can tailor the food to whatever goals/likes/dislikes you have. Add on a full-time nanny, plus cleaning and laundry service, and suddenly, you're going to have to have a really high income, which would probably mean that both you and your spouse are away from each other and the house all the time. At some point, the question is why did you get married and have kids at all?

The best life is to have family money, where you can outsource everything but don't have to earn money to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I like coming home to a clean house, a happy wife and a hot meal. I make enough so money is not an issue.

+1. I love my job and don't like raising kids/household chores. I like spending time with my kids doing fun activities, but leave the rest to my wife. Having a wife at home means I can go on work trips, take clients out to dinner, work late at the office, and spend weekends golfing or hiking with my friends if I want -- and know when I do get home, there will be a hot meal waiting for me.

You don't like raising kids? Why the fuck did you have them, then? And what with all of the work trips/dinners, working late, golf and friend time, I'm amazed you got married either, since you clearly have time for your wife and those "fun activities" with your kids. Don't kid yourself, I bet your wife is cheating on you and secretly hates your guts.

I like having kids. I just don't like taking them to the doctor's office when they're sick and waiting hours to be seen, having to juggle my schedule on a snow day, etc. The same stuff you hate, except that you have to do because you don't have a wife to do it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

I find that sad. Do you not?

Not the pp, but I can give you my perspective. I SAHM, dh is a physician in a specialized field. While he would know how to pick up our kid from school or call in for a snow day, that would mean he may have to step out in the middle of a surgery or cancel your surgery in the morning or your follow up appt with just a little bit of notice. He's booked months out in advance so you may not have another date scheduled for several months and if your the one lying on the table, cut open while he needs to leave to pick up his puking child from school, well I guess your out of luck then, huh??


Please don't be so judgmental about how and why families choose to have a SAHM. While I know my dh would love it if I brought home an extra paycheck, he would love more to not be disturbed while he's caring for his patients and risk being sued for malpractice. I'm sure his patients appreciate his undivided attention as well.

I knew it would be hard being a wife to a him, I knew I would have to sacrifice my career and that is the choice I made. I would not make 1/3 of his salary in my field so asking why I had to be the one to sacrifice my career instead of him is obvious. We all have our own situations and circumstances.

Obviously the OP has intended to stir the pot and initiate yet another WAHM v/s SAHM debate on here. Your beating a dead horse OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

I do, but then again we are both Type A who like to work in our professions rather than do the grunt work (and our kids are in school full day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

We tried outsourcing a lot so that we could maintain 2 busy professional careers. It is hard to outsource everything. And at some point, our children wanted us, not a hired third party. Of course it is easy to outsource the laundry. It is much harder to outsource the childcare when you have a sick child who wants you or you find out the night before that your child has a school performance the next day. For us, it came down to either getting 2 nannies or one of is cutting back/quitting. And I fully understand that is not a choice many would make or can make. But it works for us.

Why would you only find out the night before about a school performance? I work full time and yet receive the same emails the SAHMs do about school events. Sounds like you and your spouse were not very connected to the school community while WOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I like coming home to a clean house, a happy wife and a hot meal. I make enough so money is not an issue.

+1. I love my job and don't like raising kids/household chores. I like spending time with my kids doing fun activities, but leave the rest to my wife. Having a wife at home means I can go on work trips, take clients out to dinner, work late at the office, and spend weekends golfing or hiking with my friends if I want -- and know when I do get home, there will be a hot meal waiting for me.

You don't like raising kids? Why the fuck did you have them, then? And what with all of the work trips/dinners, working late, golf and friend time, I'm amazed you got married either, since you clearly have time for your wife and those "fun activities" with your kids. Don't kid yourself, I bet your wife is cheating on you and secretly hates your guts.

I like having kids. I just don't like taking them to the doctor's office when they're sick and waiting hours to be seen, having to juggle my schedule on a snow day, etc. The same stuff you hate, except that you have to do because you don't have a wife to do it for you.

Dad here. I actually enjoyed a few snow days, I got to hang out with my kids. I do drs appointments too. I don't hate doing them. I hate when my kid is sick and I can't do anything to fix it.

Great that you spend weekends golfing, I know your type, I coach kids like yours. They cling to me like glue, desperate for an involved dad. I'm their coach and they are longing for so much more. Most of the time it's only mom who shows up at the games...I guess you are busy golfing and hiking while I'm throwing a ball with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH would say no. My staying home makes his life easier.
We do no live beyond our means, and our home hasn't been updated. But we're both happy with our lifestyle. Also, I worked in the human services field and my income would barely have covered the cost of child care.

And you don't mind giving up your career to make his life easier? I would mind, terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many WOHMs who have not stayed at home just have to chime in.

Insecure much?

Is it okay with you if I chime in, since I was a SAHM and now WOH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

You'd have to have a *very* high income to be able to outsource everything, because many things have to be done to your specifications. Errands for example -- the best way to get that done is to have a personal assistant. Cooking -- if you're going to outsource all cooking, eventually you'll want to have a personal chef, because that way you can tailor the food to whatever goals/likes/dislikes you have. Add on a full-time nanny, plus cleaning and laundry service, and suddenly, you're going to have to have a really high income, which would probably mean that both you and your spouse are away from each other and the house all the time. At some point, the question is why did you get married and have kids at all?

The best life is to have family money, where you can outsource everything but don't have to earn money to pay for it.

Don't exaggerate, even two busy professionals don't need to outsource everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many WOHMs who have not stayed at home just have to chime in.

Insecure much?

Is it okay with you if I chime in, since I was a SAHM and now WOH?

Basic reading comprehension: OP asked the husbands for their opinions. Start your own thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of husbands seem to think wife returning to work will magically incur no other problems. My neighbor has two kids, one 5 and the other 2, and wants his wife to return to work.

BUT the neighbor *refuses* to do any daycare pickup/dropoff, or handle any emergencies that pop up during the day. I'm not 100% sure he fully understands that for a few years, his wife's salary will be close to nil after aftercare is factored in (or dealing with the randomness of at-home daycares.)

I'm a husband who no so secretly wants my wife to return to work. I understand I will have to do a lot more, but I already do a lot. My wife finds her role as SAH overwhelming. Even if she does not start out at a high level, she will work her way up, plus the benefit of contributing to retirement. As it is now, I can only contribute 17K/yr to 401K, if she had a 401K and could also hit 17K that would be huge for our future. I know many bright and successful mothers in my industry who have worked their way up to a good salary.

I've looked into aftercare (our kids are older) and the break even point for her is 30K. I'm positive with an MBA she will be making over that.

There comes a point in time where she will cross the threshold and essentially become unemployable. If I get cancer or some other physical problem that prevents me from working, we'd be homeless in a year. We have no family to bail is out. The best thing that could happen to me if something did happen would be an instant death, so they could get insurance. If I were incapacitated long term, I would lose my employment insurance and probably have no money to pay for our private plan.

Good luck (I'm the PP you're replying to). My only concern is that your wife would find WOH + being a parent also "overwhelming."

With that said, she can be overwhelmed making $50-60k a year or overwhelmed as a SAH wife. I imagine resentment's usually greater when the SAH wife doesn't even try to do things.