Husbands: do you secretly wish your SAH wives bought in a paycheck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many WOHMs who have not stayed at home just have to chime in.

Insecure much?

It's basically ALL women chiming in. The question was for men.

The men that carry the sole financial responsibly are WORKING.

[Anonymous]

You can hire help but that doesn't mean it's actually that helpful. Believe me. No cleaning lady I've ever hired has ever done a good a job *consistently* as I would have done myself. It makes sense in a way. She's not the homeowner, she's only making about $20 an hour, maybe less. She's not as incentivized to really put some elbow grease in the job and scour every corner. But I don't want to do it myself all the time so I'm willing to put up with inconsistencies here and there. Same with other tasks.

But I could see how if you're hiring everything out and it's all a little slipshod and patchy how that would become extremely annoying really fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can hire help but that doesn't mean it's actually that helpful. Believe me. No cleaning lady I've ever hired has ever done a good a job *consistently* as I would have done myself. It makes sense in a way. She's not the homeowner, she's only making about $20 an hour, maybe less. She's not as incentivized to really put some elbow grease in the job and scour every corner. But I don't want to do it myself all the time so I'm willing to put up with inconsistencies here and there. Same with other tasks.

But I could see how if you're hiring everything out and it's all a little slipshod and patchy how that would become extremely annoying really fast.

I would have agreed with you, until I found my current cleaning lady. She has been cleaning my home for 7 years. I also hire her a few times a year to help me organize. Basically I pay her $20 and she will sit with me and go through the closets, basement, drawers, or whatever and help me throw stuff away and put things in containers labeled.

They are hard to find, but they do exist. She is so good, she does not take new clients. She has one customer that she has been cleaning her house since she was 19 years old. My cleaning lady is now 40. She has a crew of 7 people and works two houses at a time. She can polish a turd.

[Anonymous]

^^I meant $20/hr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

We tried outsourcing a lot so that we could maintain 2 busy professional careers. It is hard to outsource everything. And at some point, our children wanted us, not a hired third party. Of course it is easy to outsource the laundry. It is much harder to outsource the childcare when you have a sick child who wants you or you find out the night before that your child has a school performance the next day. For us, it came down to either getting 2 nannies or one of is cutting back/quitting. And I fully understand that is not a choice many would make or can make. But it works for us.

Why would you only find out the night before about a school performance? I work full time and yet receive the same emails the SAHMs do about school events. Sounds like you and your spouse were not very connected to the school community while WOH.

I am just using this as an example. There are lots of things that cannot be effectively outsourced. And, I guess I like doing some of that stuff. I don't want to outsource the cooking. I want to be the one to pick my kids up from school. I want to be able to see most of their school performances. I was unable to do these things when I worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can hire help but that doesn't mean it's actually that helpful. Believe me. No cleaning lady I've ever hired has ever done a good a job *consistently* as I would have done myself. It makes sense in a way. She's not the homeowner, she's only making about $20 an hour, maybe less. She's not as incentivized to really put some elbow grease in the job and scour every corner. But I don't want to do it myself all the time so I'm willing to put up with inconsistencies here and there. Same with other tasks.

But I could see how if you're hiring everything out and it's all a little slipshod and patchy how that would become extremely annoying really fast.

But here's what I don't get - I should scale back my career because my house is a little dirty? Again, if you don't enjoy your work, it's not important to your identity, you don't mind spending a lot of time managing the household and the family doesn't much care financially whether your work is paid, then sure. But I would have to be more than annoyed to give up my career. No man ever has quit because the household becomes a little slipshod and patchy.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I think this question was directed for the HUSBANDS to give their opinions- not the wives "speaking for their husbands."

Husbands, please chime in before this turns into another hostile SAHM vs. WOHM thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can hire help but that doesn't mean it's actually that helpful. Believe me. No cleaning lady I've ever hired has ever done a good a job *consistently* as I would have done myself. It makes sense in a way. She's not the homeowner, she's only making about $20 an hour, maybe less. She's not as incentivized to really put some elbow grease in the job and scour every corner. But I don't want to do it myself all the time so I'm willing to put up with inconsistencies here and there. Same with other tasks.

But I could see how if you're hiring everything out and it's all a little slipshod and patchy how that would become extremely annoying really fast.

But here's what I don't get - I should scale back my career because my house is a little dirty? Again, if you don't enjoy your work, it's not important to your identity, you don't mind spending a lot of time managing the household and the family doesn't much care financially whether your work is paid, then sure. But I would have to be more than annoyed to give up my career. No man ever has quit because the household becomes a little slipshod and patchy.

Of course not. If it doesn't bother you, who cares? Certainly not me. But some people do care. Not just about the dirty house, but everything combined. No be quits because the house is a little dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

We tried outsourcing a lot so that we could maintain 2 busy professional careers. It is hard to outsource everything. And at some point, our children wanted us, not a hired third party. Of course it is easy to outsource the laundry. It is much harder to outsource the childcare when you have a sick child who wants you or you find out the night before that your child has a school performance the next day. For us, it came down to either getting 2 nannies or one of is cutting back/quitting. And I fully understand that is not a choice many would make or can make. But it works for us.

Why would you only find out the night before about a school performance? I work full time and yet receive the same emails the SAHMs do about school events. Sounds like you and your spouse were not very connected to the school community while WOH.

I am just using this as an example. There are lots of things that cannot be effectively outsourced. And, I guess I like doing some of that stuff. I don't want to outsource the cooking. I want to be the one to pick my kids up from school. I want to be able to see most of their school performances. I was unable to do these things when I worked.

Well, if you want to do that stuff instead of the career you were educated for, that's a whole different story. I can make any school performance I want because I've worked here for years. My kids walk themselves home from school (middle school and high school). I'm happy to outsource any and all cooking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but I think this question was directed for the HUSBANDS to give their opinions- not the wives "speaking for their husbands."

Husbands, please chime in before this turns into another hostile SAHM vs. WOHM thread.

Well, my husband is working, but I asked him this morning and he laughed and said no. He doesn't care if I make any money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

I find that sad. Do you not?

What would he do, if god forbid, you died?

Quickly remarry, and hope that step-mom will do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

I find that sad. Do you not?

What would he do, if god forbid, you died?

Quickly remarry, and hope that step-mom will do it all.

I am not the pp, but my husband and I have discussed this. He concluded that he would have to get a live-in nanny and have the grandparents rotate visits a lot. Certainly wouldn't be an ideal situation and everyone's lives would change a lot.

[Anonymous]

I've been home for 9 years. When I first left work after having DC1, DH was making under 100K a year (we didn't live here at the time), just over with his bonus. I was making 35K. Now he's making +250K with bonus and we have 3 kids. He absolutely wouldn't want to have to shuffle his schedule around to help with sick days, snow days, Dr. appointments, etc. and is out a couple of nights a week. He needs me to make his life run smoothly (it's part of why he's so successful) and I'm okay with doing it - otherwise I'm afraid I'd be working for beans AND have the additional stressors of taking care of all the unforeseen stuff (hell after this past month I would have probably been fired). He's not great at the day to day stuff - but he's super involved with our kids on the weekends.

Am I happy I'm not using my MS to it's fullest? No, but I've been able to find other things to keep my mind stimulated and this was what we'd sort of planned for ourselves before we married so I knew what I was signing up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I like coming home to a clean house, a happy wife and a hot meal. I make enough so money is not an issue.

+1. I love my job and don't like raising kids/household chores. I like spending time with my kids doing fun activities, but leave the rest to my wife. Having a wife at home means I can go on work trips, take clients out to dinner, work late at the office, and spend weekends golfing or hiking with my friends if I want -- and know when I do get home, there will be a hot meal waiting for me.

You don't like raising kids? Why the fuck did you have them, then? And what with all of the work trips/dinners, working late, golf and friend time, I'm amazed you got married either, since you clearly have time for your wife and those "fun activities" with your kids. Don't kid yourself, I bet your wife is cheating on you and secretly hates your guts.

I like having kids. I just don't like taking them to the doctor's office when they're sick and waiting hours to be seen, having to juggle my schedule on a snow day, etc. The same stuff you hate, except that you have to do because you don't have a wife to do it for you.

Boo. Effing. Hoo. It's called being a parent and an adult. Suck it up. You sound like a real ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

We tried outsourcing a lot so that we could maintain 2 busy professional careers. It is hard to outsource everything. And at some point, our children wanted us, not a hired third party. Of course it is easy to outsource the laundry. It is much harder to outsource the childcare when you have a sick child who wants you or you find out the night before that your child has a school performance the next day. For us, it came down to either getting 2 nannies or one of is cutting back/quitting. And I fully understand that is not a choice many would make or can make. But it works for us.

Why would you only find out the night before about a school performance? I work full time and yet receive the same emails the SAHMs do about school events. Sounds like you and your spouse were not very connected to the school community while WOH.

I am just using this as an example. There are lots of things that cannot be effectively outsourced. And, I guess I like doing some of that stuff. I don't want to outsource the cooking. I want to be the one to pick my kids up from school. I want to be able to see most of their school performances. I was unable to do these things when I worked.

What is with all this outsourcing that SAHMs think us working moms do?

I outsource cleaning (mostly) and laundry. I drop my kids off at school each morning and get them from Tae Kwan Do each day at 4:30. I've never missed an event at their school and between DH and I one of us is in each of their classrooms helping out for each of them at least once a month. Do people outsource this? If they do I've never heard of it.

If I were to SAH, I would STILL have someone clean my home and do my laundry cause I hate that shit. I would still take my kids to TKD because they love it and it is great for them to get an hour and a half of exercise each day after school. As it is I cook dinner each and every night. It sure does help that I work from home. Heck, I went on a 5 mile run today at lunch and am still sitting in my sweaty gym clothes. With my kids in school, I seriously cannot imagine what I would do with myself all day....would I be like my dog and just sleep?