Husbands: do you secretly wish your SAH wives bought in a paycheck?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

I find that sad. Do you not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

To be honest with you, I think kids really make out in the deal having a dad that is so involved. We split up a lot of our kids events and often juggle the sick days. My boys LOVE it when their dad shows up at school, be it for a sick day or a valentines party. They feel so special having their dad around. whenever I go to the school to do ANYTHING, I hardly ever see a dad present....they seem to be as rare as unicorns. My boys get so incredibly excited when their dad shows up for any reason, it makes them feel really special. During these snow days this winter, he has been outside for countless hours taking them sledding.

However, my DH is the kind of dad who really enjoys his children. He's always the coach of the teams they are on. Like a magnet, he's the dad that all the boys gravitate to. Everyone knows him at our boys school and when my kids were in K and 1st the teaches would always ask if he could come in and read to the kids because in the teachers words "the kids especially adore it when the dads come in to read." When they were infants he was getting up in the middle of the night too without complaint. I could never see him being the kind of dad who would take the backset to parenting.

So for me, working has always been a no-brainer for the both of us, its easy when you have a true partner in raising the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

We tried outsourcing a lot so that we could maintain 2 busy professional careers. It is hard to outsource everything. And at some point, our children wanted us, not a hired third party. Of course it is easy to outsource the laundry. It is much harder to outsource the childcare when you have a sick child who wants you or you find out the night before that your child has a school performance the next day. For us, it came down to either getting 2 nannies or one of is cutting back/quitting. And I fully understand that is not a choice many would make or can make. But it works for us.

[Anonymous]

My DH would say no. My staying home makes his life easier.
We do no live beyond our means, and our home hasn't been updated. But we're both happy with our lifestyle. Also, I worked in the human services field and my income would barely have covered the cost of child care.

[Anonymous]

I am not a SAHM for three reasons. In order of importance: 1) we cannot afford it. HHI is 160k and would be $100k without my salary; 2) DH would really not like it; and 3) I like my work. I used to really, really want to SAH, mostly because leaving my kids was hard when they were very little. I also didn't like my job so much. But I knew very well that, wonderful as DH is--and he is--he would not respect me as much if I stayed home. That sounds awful but both he and I knew it was true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To be honest with you, I think kids really make out in the deal having a dad that is so involved. We split up a lot of our kids events and often juggle the sick days. My boys LOVE it when their dad shows up at school, be it for a sick day or a valentines party. They feel so special having their dad around. whenever I go to the school to do ANYTHING, I hardly ever see a dad present....they seem to be as rare as unicorns. My boys get so incredibly excited when their dad shows up for any reason, it makes them feel really special. During these snow days this winter, he has been outside for countless hours taking them sledding.

However, my DH is the kind of dad who really enjoys his children. He's always the coach of the teams they are on. Like a magnet, he's the dad that all the boys gravitate to. Everyone knows him at our boys school and when my kids were in K and 1st the teaches would always ask if he could come in and read to the kids because in the teachers words "the kids especially adore it when the dads come in to read." When they were infants he was getting up in the middle of the night too without complaint. I could never see him being the kind of dad who would take the backset to parenting.

So for me, working has always been a no-brainer for the both of us, its easy when you have a true partner in raising the kids.

I'm the PP above who used to wish I could SAH, and I totally agree with this. DH is an equal partner in every way. He knows the pediatrician as well as I do. He goes on field trips. He makes lunches and brushes hair and walks the kids to school. I love that my DD and DS will grow up seeing that men and women can both work and take care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Jobs/child care all a joint decision with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the answer would depend on how old the kids are. I assume there are probably lots of men who might wonder what their wives do all day, once the kids are in school full-time. I know my guy friends have wondered this aloud to me. But when the kids are really young, it's cool for the wives to be home with them.

it would probably also depend on the salary that's not being earned. a $30K earner isn't going to have much impact on the family if the husband makes a lot, but a $100K salary could make a big difference.

Nope. Not in this house. I didn't stay at home until the older kids went to school. One of my school-aged sons threw up this morning. You can bet that my husband, away on business, doesn't want to deal with that. It seems like there is always a snow day/ doctor's appt/ after school sports/illness, especially when you have three kids.

Agree. I am a SAHM of 4 school age kids. While I am sure my husband would love the extra income, he literally wouldn't know how to handle things like snow days, needing to pick up the kids early if they got sick, etc. He has always had me around to take care of that.

I find that sad. Do you not?

What would he do, if god forbid, you died?

[Anonymous]

My DH would say yes but I know he would do zilch around the house or with the kids. As it is now, he behaves like his days off should be for himself.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM. I did this until my youngest went to first grade, oldest was in 3rd. Now I work 2 days a week because I want to. My DH does not want me to work. Says it is disruptive to the family. Too damn bad. WHat the hell is there to do after they go to school. I love my part time job. I love my kids and I was a very happy stay at home mom when there were kids to mom! My $ isn't much but we manage to spend it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To be honest with you, I think kids really make out in the deal having a dad that is so involved. We split up a lot of our kids events and often juggle the sick days. My boys LOVE it when their dad shows up at school, be it for a sick day or a valentines party. They feel so special having their dad around. whenever I go to the school to do ANYTHING, I hardly ever see a dad present....they seem to be as rare as unicorns. My boys get so incredibly excited when their dad shows up for any reason, it makes them feel really special. During these snow days this winter, he has been outside for countless hours taking them sledding.

However, my DH is the kind of dad who really enjoys his children. He's always the coach of the teams they are on. Like a magnet, he's the dad that all the boys gravitate to. Everyone knows him at our boys school and when my kids were in K and 1st the teaches would always ask if he could come in and read to the kids because in the teachers words "the kids especially adore it when the dads come in to read." When they were infants he was getting up in the middle of the night too without complaint. I could never see him being the kind of dad who would take the backset to parenting.

So for me, working has always been a no-brainer for the both of us, its easy when you have a true partner in raising the kids.

I'm the PP above who used to wish I could SAH, and I totally agree with this. DH is an equal partner in every way. He knows the pediatrician as well as I do. He goes on field trips. He makes lunches and brushes hair and walks the kids to school. I love that my DD and DS will grow up seeing that men and women can both work and take care of the kids.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Amazing how many WOHMs who have not stayed at home just have to chime in.

Insecure much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why, in the high HHI scenarios being spoken of here, this is an either/or -- either the meals are cooked, house is clean, kids are cared for, clothes are washed/dry-cleaned, stress is low, and wife stays home, OR meals are takeout, house is messy, kids are on their own, stress is high, and wife works.

If you make a lot of money (let's say, top 1% in DC area) and wife's income would be "fraction" of yours, wouldn't you be able to outsource everything (nanny, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, errands, etc.) so that both of you work outside of the home but don't have to to the grunt work at home? Seems like this would actually be the ideal scenario. Two working parents in a high-income household minus the stress of cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, with the added security of a second income for the "just in case" scenarios?

Agree that it's not a straight divide like that. We both work and are not in the 1% (actually top 4% I suppose so still enough to comfortably outsource), we have a nanny to avoid pick up/drop offs (since oldest is now in school, we did daycare when they could be together, but daycare was at DH's work for most of the years we did that), and have regular housecleaning. Can also afford to live close-in which is I'm sure a big factor. Meal-planning/cooking etc. is practically a hobby as we are both into it and think it's hugely important to our family's health, so probably not something we'd ever outsource and something we do together (not as in we cook and shop together but that we tag team and each cook and shop throughout the week). Laundry really isn't that big a deal. I throw it in a few times a week and eventually it gets put away. So I'm not sure how much easier his life would be if I stayed home. He'd probably still do yard, trash, car stuff, and taxes. We tag team on homework/school logistics/forms, maybe I'd do more of that. With nanny we don't really have to deal with sick days too much.

[Anonymous]

My husband has the best of both worlds.

I own my own successful business that brings home almost 6 figures a year for about 10 hours of work a week (on average) and I also do most everything having to do with the kids, house, cooking, etc. (I do have someone who cleans once a week though.)