How bad will it be for dc to be one of the have-nots at private school?
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Anonymous
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If you worry, your kids will worry. Your job as a parent is to instill confidence in your children that you made the right choices for good reasons. We are probably among the poorest of the non-financial aid families at a Big 3, and our income reflects the professional choices we have made. We work for a not-for-profit and for the federal government (yes, we are facing a potential furlough as DH is a GS employee). We strongly believe in the work that we have chosen, even though we could have (in fact, DH left "big law" for the government; I left a private consulting firm for this not-for-profit) stayed in far more lucrative posts. We left these positions before we had children, so it's not like we bankrolled a ton of money to live off of for the rest of our lives. We still have a mortgage and we save up for large expenses.
Contrary to what some trolls on this forum say, we have not been shunned by other families or by the school because we live in a modest home, drive Toyotas, and don't have iPhones (gasp!). Our children still get invited on a lot of playdates, we do a ton of volunteering for the school, and we are greeted warmly by teachers and administrators whenever we go to campus. I like to think that this is because we tend to be on the extroverted side, not because people think we have some hidden stash of $$$ like the millionaires next door. So, OP, I suggest that you choose the school that you think is the best fit for your family and child with confidence. If you don't trust the school, you should your money and send your child to the local public school. Private school is a choice, not a requirement. I would hate to spend all that money and have to doubt my decision year after year. |
Anonymous
| 10:18, I commend your choices, and my family has made similar choices. But one federal worker plus one not-for-profit worker means HHI in the range of $150K (very low ball) to easily over $200k. If this is "poor" and you are one of the few on this boat at your school, then SES diversity is truly lacking at your school. |
Anonymous
| Life is not perfect for any of us, and we shouldn't try to make it perfect for our kids either. There will always be someone with more than your kid-- more money, more stuff, more intelligence, more athletic ability. Trying to protect our kids from this reality does them a disservice. |
Anonymous
10:18 said her family was one of the "poorest" of the FULL PAY families at the school, which sounds about right. Families with HHI under $150,000 may get at least modest financial aid. We are another of those families and our experience is the same. Kids are well-liked, we are welcomed, lots of invitations for the kids. Our kids certainly notice the differences in spending, but also know that it is because of choices we make, which reflect our values. One DC has a pretty wealthy group of friends, the other a pretty middle-class group, so income isn't driving the friendships. |
Anonymous
There is NO school OP can send her kids to where they will not face some sort of problems with their classmates, be it SES or athletic prowess or math skills or (the list goes on forever). I don't think OP is asking for outright perfection across the board, just wants to know if there are enough decent kids in private schools so her kid can have good, supportive friends if she makes good choices. I hope. As one of the "Cinderella" posters, I will tell you, OP, that at elite private universities the kids tend to divide by SES. The ultra-rich ones rarely are best buds with the FA/middle class kids, and it sounds like from some of the posters' experiences above that's likely to hold true for elite privates too by middle school/high school age. It is not that they are rude...they just tend to trend toward other kids like them. In a way it is better, because if their best friends are from similar economic backgrounds because a lot of the issues you are concerned about become nonissues, or they have someone else they are going through it with together which always lessens the burden. |
Anonymous
Totally agree with you, PP. My DD is a Big3 alum. She and her best friend probably were the "poorest" girls in their class. They both had many friends, but had the best bond with each other. Both now attend highly selective schools and remain the closest of friends. Their SES didn't change in college, in general, they are just very confident, capable, and outgoing young women who aren't afraid to engage in whatever setting that they find themselves in. And both have said that their wealthier friends in college who have been exposed to a more diverse population of people and situations tend to be more open to befriending them. It might have something to do with a lack of parental involvement. Most importantly these young women don't come across as being ashamed of their family's background. |
Anonymous
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Is any of this dependent on the amount of students receiving aid at the school? A school with 25% vs. One with 10% or even 45%?
Not OP but curious. |
Anonymous
I have been polite. And you are an asshole. No wonder you probably had no friends. The chip on your shoulder should have been further south. I tried to offer kind advice but you are getting back what you give, jerk. |
Anonymous
NP here: You were not polite, you did not use filthy language prior to this but you were condescending and sarcastic. How is what you were writing "kind advice"? |
Anonymous
10:18 (10:38) here. Yes, we are full pay. I know that we are relative to the rest of DC, the US, and the world *extremely* fortunate. I would never pretend that we are "DCUM middle class"--we are upper middle, squarely. I think that there are a lot of us in this boat at our Big 3, but that this forum tends to skew and emphasize the very wealthy. Like the immediate PP, our children have friends who seem to come from a wide range of wealth. Lots of 2-income families, regardless. The only families that I know with a full-time SAH parent have very young children (preschool and younger). |
Anonymous
Another poster here. It was sarcastic but what is condescending about teaching your kids to love others who love you? Btw, both posters were impolite. Let's not just stick it to one. |
Anonymous
Prick poster here. Yes I used impolite language, sorry. I was annoyed that I thought I was trying to share my actual experiences with the OP only to be told that as a middle schooler I should have chosen my friends wisely. Actually my friends weren't the problem at all, and I am still very close with my friends. The problem was the mean girl group, who did tend to be the wealthy girls (and boys too). Of course there are tons of people who are less fortunate than any kid in an elite private school in DC, you don't even need to go to China to find them, but when you are 12, 13, 14 you tend to be much more influenced by those you see every day. |
Anonymous
Maybe you should avoid assuming that, because the mean girls at your middle school were also the wealthy girls, that will be universal. Sometimes the mean girls are the athletes. Sometimes they are the party girls. Sometimes they are the weaker students. There is no one rule. |
Anonymous
PP: This is one of those quotes that are from someone who has "never" faced this situation, or has no real idea how their kids feel. |
Anonymous
I am not the PP you quoted, but I disagree with your assertion that PP's view is possible only from someone who never faced being less privileged than classmates or who does not understand how her children feel to be less privileged than their classmates. I grew up being not as wealthy as most of the girls at my girls' school, and my friends tended to be, like me, from the upper-middle professional class, as opposed to the super-rich who rode steeplechase or had a house in Geneva. I did an internship in town instead of going to London and Paris during our winterim session, and I didn't even think to ask my parents whether I could take such an expensive trip as the London-and-Paris trip. I understood that we were not as rich, and I saw how hard my father worked for our money, and it was fine. My parents instilled in me and my brothers the goals to be attained by attending the expensive private schools they sent us to: a good education. Today my two kids are at STA and NCS and we are, still, just of the upper-middle-class professional class, and my kids are not among the super-wealthy like many of their classmates, and they are fine with that. A solid grounding in what is important is everything. And parental attitude is very important here. The idea of insulating children from feeling bad because they will be poorer in money and material goods than their classmates is bad if it means depriving your children of a chance to be at a school you otherwise deem worthy. |