How bad will it be for dc to be one of the have-nots at private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are feeling anxieties because you are a 'have not' then don't go to the private schools for petes sake. But if you want a good education for your child and know that your child has a coveted seat wanted by many others then suck it up and know you are there for the education.

You are not there to hang your head because somebody has a bigger house or car. Stop whining or get out and give your seat to someone who wants it regardless of status.

I hate it when the Ayn Rand groupies try to tell the rest of us how to lead our lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are feeling anxieties because you are a 'have not' then don't go to the private schools for petes sake. But if you want a good education for your child and know that your child has a coveted seat wanted by many others then suck it up and know you are there for the education.

You are not there to hang your head because somebody has a bigger house or car. Stop whining or get out and give your seat to someone who wants it regardless of status.

I got the impression that OP was worried about how being a have not would impact her kid. Having been one of the have nots I can say it was not fun as a kid. Not really visible in the early years but much more visible in middle and high school. And it really never goes away. If I were in that economic situation I would not put my kids through that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids (poorer in a wealthy school) and now my kids (K and 2nd) are as well at their "big 3" school. I wouldn't say that my kids notice or care that they don't have as large of a house or as much stuff. But our lives are very different than those around us and it makes it difficult to become good friends simply because we run in different social circles. My kids classmates go skiing most weekends. We can't afford that (several hundred $$ per trip). Their friends all belong to one of several country clubs and a large part of their social time is spent there, especially in summer. We don't belong to a club.

No one is mean about any of this--they are perfectly nice but our lives are very different and kids will generally gravitate towards being good friends with those that they see more.

We are in a similar position with our kids. We are in a different neighborhood, don't belong to a club and Mommy has a job. We do perfectly fine and actually are probably wealthier than most in our neighborhood, but we are nowhere close to the law firm partner and SAHM lifestyle of ski trips, the Carribean, beach house, Europe trips, NYC weekends, Florida mom's weekends, ladies lunches, etc. As a result, my kids ask for fancy clothes and electronics, don't understand why we don't go to XXX vacation spot over Christmas, don't have a beach house, can't have a horse or a pool in our backyard. It can be frustrating because overall we do quite well but they really don't see that at the school because some families' wealth is so obvious. Additionally, it is hard for them to develop deep friendships because I'm not constantly making plans with the other moms, planning weekends away, etc. Sometimes I wish we had opted for public school.

[Anonymous]

Are there schools that make an effort to not treat FA kids any different than full pay kids? Schools that really work to create a sense of community?

[Anonymous]

new poster here:
We are also considering private for our children, DS just admitted to a good school where I would assume most have more income than our single government salary household does. Family money will pay for my children's education.
I grew up with my family having plenty of money and most of my friends not having as much.(The reverse of my children if they go private.) To be honest I think you put your child at a disadvantage only if 1. you have insecurities about the dynamic yourself, and 2. you don't have any other neighborhood, church, etc friends in addition to potential school friends.
We have a few families that we are friendly with outside of school so I know that even if we don't meet a ton of families that we click with at the school it's ok. There are lots of other ways to socialize then to invite others to your home, if you feel it too small. Meet at a park, sporting event, pizza place... As long as the school kids themselves aren't concerned about status and other ridiculously obnoxious things your child will have the best of both, a great education and a potentially more laid-back and more economically diverse life experience. I think children growing up around all sorts of different people and situations is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

[Anonymous]

Oh, your poor, poor children. I truly hope that they can learn to deal with all of this and don't suffer PTSD for the rest of their lives as a result of feeling so marginalized. Perhaps therapy will help.... can you afford that?

[Anonymous]

I tend to agree pp. I think OP is either a troll and/or naval gazing. She should of thought of all the self-esteem issues before applying.

DC has a lot of rich people -- with kids both in private and public schools. If you can't handle that -- move to a neighborhood where you'll be viewed as rich.

[Anonymous]

My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry, I meant, PP, not OP!

[Anonymous]

It's harder now than when I went to a tony private school in the 70's. Back then, no one wore designer labels and conspicuous consumption was frowned upon. My middle-class parents didn't qualify for financial aid so things were very tight. Most of the time it did not bother me that my friends had more but several things were hard. I had a tiny wardrobe and my parents couldn't afford a class ring so I remember the embarrassment of going through Ring Day without one to show. I also brought my own lunch most days while my friends had lunch cards and could buy whatever they wanted. At a joint birthday party with another friend, her gifts were nicer than mine since my friends knew I couldn't reciprocate. My friend would fly off on ski trips and to Europe while I stayed home on almost all vacations. The hardest thing was when all my friends went to prestigious, private colleges but I lived at home and went to the local mediocre public university because my parents again did not qualify for financial aid even with two other siblings in college. I also never invited my friends to my house because their homes were nicer and my parents were eccentric. Things worked out fine for me ultimately and our HHI exceeds that of most of my high school friends. It is my personal opinion that Barack Obama was so affected as a young man by being a have-not at his private prep school that he thinks the wealthy need to be taken down a few notches.

[Anonymous]

*My friends would fly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

NP: Nothing wrong with that. Child has to thrive and be happy and socialization is part of that. And since you shout FIRST GRADE then it should be clear that it will NOT affect the rest of her life! Experiences shape us - and its not worth her having negative experiences. BTW I had all those things that the child did not so I am not coming from my experiences but I do know the value of a sound and happy psyche in a child.