How bad will it be for dc to be one of the have-nots at private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids (poorer in a wealthy school) and now my kids (K and 2nd) are as well at their "big 3" school. I wouldn't say that my kids notice or care that they don't have as large of a house or as much stuff. But our lives are very different than those around us and it makes it difficult to become good friends simply because we run in different social circles. My kids classmates go skiing most weekends. We can't afford that (several hundred $$ per trip). Their friends all belong to one of several country clubs and a large part of their social time is spent there, especially in summer. We don't belong to a club.

No one is mean about any of this--they are perfectly nice but our lives are very different and kids will generally gravitate towards being good friends with those that they see more.

We are similar to you. I think it's easier for the kids (although my oldest is only 12...maybe will be more apparent in HS....). I feel like it bothers me, more. I feel a little left out that the other moms (who are all nice and approachable, but ) belong to the country clubs etc. I feel like I will never get close to any of them because of these differences. Although my kids have been invited several times to parties or playdates at Congressional and Chevy Chase Club, etc........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

Having experienced this situation first-hand, I think the family made the right decision. The social situation was impacting the child's self-esteem and her academic performance.

[Anonymous]

OP: thanks for the helpful replies. But really, some of you are a piece of work! I am not insecure. I am perfectly fine with our social and financial situation. But I'm 40, and my dc is 4. At some point, dc will realize that there is, indeed, a large wealth disparity and I just wanted some thoughts from people who have btdt on how to address this (this will come up regardless of whether we go public or private).

[Anonymous]

Won't they just self-segregate? She can't be the only one near the bottom. In my school (public - but lots of wealthy kids there), kids totally segregated by income level. Now granted the popular kids were all at the higher income level (funny how economic status = social status even among kids), but once you got over not being popular, you had a great time with friends in similar situations as you. As long as there are two or three moderate incomes in her class, she'll be ok.

We are not sending ds to an elite private school, but he will face the same in our neighborhood - we live in a condo around multimillion dollar homes. It makes me nervous, but since my dh and I don't care at all about money beyond wanting enough so that ours lives work smoothly, which they mostly do, I am hoping he'll be ok.

BTW, My mom and her aunt went to an expensive private school on a professor's salary. My mom grew up thinking money didn't matter cause she didn't have any and her sister grew up wanting nothing more than money cause she didn't have any (and she got it). Not sure the lesson in that . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC's were on the lower end of the spectrum for:
family importance, "right" clubs, "right" neighborhoods, historical belonging to the group. Inequitable treatment in one case by the school. Both were a huge mistake and there was social stigma.

You have just mirrored my DCs experience at a Big 3. Fortunately, senior year is on the horizon.

I don't care what anyone says some teachers assume or are given privy to your DC's FA status. Their perception of a child's family background, unfortunately, will impact equitable treatment and expectations. Children are highly sensitive to feeling less than in these environments, some will suck it up and successfully make it through and others will internalize it and underachieve.

Well said, PP. Having attended top private with siblings as a have-not and sending DS to top private as a have, I definitely have seen this to be true.

[Anonymous]

my mom her and sister (my aunt)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are feeling anxieties because you are a 'have not' then don't go to the private schools for petes sake. But if you want a good education for your child and know that your child has a coveted seat wanted by many others then suck it up and know you are there for the education.

You are not there to hang your head because somebody has a bigger house or car. Stop whining or get out and give your seat to someone who wants it regardless of status.

I got the impression that OP was worried about how being a have not would impact her kid. Having been one of the have nots I can say it was not fun as a kid. Not really visible in the early years but much more visible in middle and high school. And it really never goes away. If I were in that economic situation I would not put my kids through that experience.

Ditto. We would be comfortably in the middle at a 'good' public, but definitely not at a 'Big 3'. Family importance? Huh?

That's why my kids are going to a public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

Sorry, PP, but if you were the only one who went to Harvard, it was not one of the elite privates. That is a whole different ball game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

Sorry, PP, but if you were the only one who went to Harvard, it was not one of the elite privates. That is a whole different ball game.

No, it's not. The fact that you think it is indicates quite a bit about your lack of self-confidence. Don't let these schools, parents and kids bully you into thinking they are special. They just have more money. Usually more money than sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

Sorry, PP, but if you were the only one who went to Harvard, it was not one of the elite privates. That is a whole different ball game.

Where was this place, where no friend's family ever invited you join them at the movie theater, but the local mall had an Abercrombie shop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

Sorry, PP, but if you were the only one who went to Harvard, it was not one of the elite privates. That is a whole different ball game.

Where was this place, where no friend's family ever invited you join them at the movie theater, but the local mall had an Abercrombie shop?

Have you never been to a mall in middle America? They all have Abercrombie stores, at least they did in the 90's. That's hardly odd. All the cool kids wore Abercrombie then, and GAP.

I lived on a farm. I did not socialize with friends outside of school -- I had chores to do in the evenings and on weekends. It is in fact true that I did not see a movie in a theater until I was 17, believe it or not. I went for the first time on a date my senior year of HS. Shocking, right? My 3 year old has been to see Nemo 3D several times.

It's not like I plan to raise my kids on the overcoming adversity theory of parenting, but this spate of "my kid doesn't go to France for holidays, should I be worried her ego will take a hit" postings are too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone care to be more specific? We live in a townhouse and drive modest cars...but our kids have iPhones, Uggs, North Face jackets, club/travel sports, vacations, and will likely get used cars when they turn 16.

I'm wondering what specific things make older kids feel the sting.

I can answer this one. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. While we did our clothing shopping at the same stores everyone else did but when we walked into the store headed straight for the sale racks, and we didn't have a vacation home anywhere. The first time I went in an airplane I was 11. A lot of times we only went on one vacation a year, whereas my friends from school went to Disney even for the 3-day weekends. When I'd ask my mother for a tape of a song I liked, her response was "Tape it off the radio." I remember being in a car with three friends, and getting left out of the talk as they chatted about their trips to Europe (11th grade), and all I could do was listen or ask questions. THAT really stung.

Wow. This is pretty remarkable for how out of touch it is.

I grew up on a farm. My clothes were all either hand-me-downs from my brother, purchased at the Salvation Army, or -- on rare occasions -- new from Walmart. The first time I saw a movie in a theater I was 17.

It never "really stung" because I worked my ass off for what I achieved and I was, and am, proud of my hard-working, blue-collar family. The other kids at my school might have had Abercrombie and North Face, but I'm the only one who went to Harvard.

OP, raise your children in a way that makes them proud of what they have, not waddle in self-pity for what they have not. Even if they do feel a twinge every now and then, use it as a teaching moment. They are just as good as anyone else and if you are damn sure that's true, they too will grow to believe it.

Sorry, PP, but if you were the only one who went to Harvard, it was not one of the elite privates. That is a whole different ball game.

No, it's not. The fact that you think it is indicates quite a bit about your lack of self-confidence. Don't let these schools, parents and kids bully you into thinking they are special. They just have more money. Usually more money than sense.

Not OP btw. No one is bullying anyone. Just being realistic about the level of wealth and influence a youngster is exposed to by attending one of these schools. At my private, we had five going to Harvard.

[Anonymous]

And that was just our class. The previous two had done even better.

[Anonymous]

My DS started LS in a non-entry year. We have enough money but only bc DH and I both work. We pay for our 3 DC to be at privates. When we tell pp where we live (perfectly safe middle to lower middle class neighborhood) pp literally recoil - it's unbelievable and I really hated everything about it at the beginning of the year. But ya know what? My DS had the lead in his class play this year, even though he had been at the school only 4 months. He is one of the brightest in his class, beloved by teachers, popular, so screw the rich patronizing parents who wish their kids were as awesome as mine.
OP - give your kid plenty of confidence and courage and put her where she'll thrive.