How bad will it be for dc to be one of the have-nots at private school?
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Anonymous
| We were accepted to our first choice private, but concerned that we are definitely on the lower end of the income ladder there (although I think we have a perfectly comfortable life, and do not qualify for aid, we're relatively on the less wealthy side at this school). Public is not much better in this regard, either (very high income area, although there will likely be more people at or below our income level in public...definitely in absolute terms, not sure about proportionally, though). Any thoughts on this? |
Anonymous
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I think as long as YOU are ok with your life you will be fine and pass those values on to your kids. But if you worry about being judged for the size of your house, not belonging to a certain club, etc., it is a tough experience. I don't think the kids become aware of it until at least middle school and maybe after. I was in this boat in high school as well, and while I knew some classmates had huge houses, it wasn't until my college choices were dependent on cost (and theirs weren't) that I really thought about the ramifications.
Obviously, I thought it was worth it, as we're doing it again for our DCs. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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We are in the same spot, OP. My son is in kindergarten now. He is asking questions now about why everyone has bigger houses and cars. So far he has been satisfied with my answers (there will always be people with more money than us, and always be people with less. We are fortunate to be able to have the good life we have. Many don't). I don't know how it will play out as he gets older and kids have bigger toys, grander ski trips, etc.
I think we provide decent quality basics, and I hope that he can supplement things like ski trips with summer job income, etc. That's what I did when I was a teen in a public school district where most of my friends had more money. I didn't get to do everything they did, but I got to participate in a fair amount. |
Anonymous
| I worry about this too. We are in the same situation - lower end of the income ladder but don't qualify for aid. DS just got accepted to a great school but will we be able to support the fundraising adequately? Will DS start asking for the "right" clothes, the "right" electronics, the "right" spring break trip, eventually a car?? Our public schools are okay but way overcrowded and with worrisome behavioral issues. We hope - and expect - DS will receive an excellent education at the private school while staying grounded. |
Anonymous
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My DD is one of the have-nots in public school. She knew we were poor before she even began Kinder. I have had a quiet talk with each teacher at the start of the year asking them to be cognizant of the severe income disparity. So for example, in 3 months DD has an overnight field trip and last week the teacher and I emailed about her getting me the list NOW for whatever supplies students must bring, so I can make sure it's in the budget to buy her whatever we don't have. In two of DD's grades, I never had to pay for field trips - somebody else (no clue who) paid for DD so she could go. 4 of her 5 teachers so far at this school have been great about shutting down poor-insults the second they start, and then talking to the whole class about judging people on their character rather than their clothing. DD is sad that "everybody's been to Disney World but me!" and my heart breaks for her, but she knows I'm doing the best I can, and we talk about money management a lot. She wants a specific type of notebook and just yesterday in Office Depot she found what she wanted, but then realized it was $9 and immediately put it back saying, "I think we can do better than that; let's keep looking."
OP, get the teachers to help. |
Anonymous
| I was one of those kids. It worked out fine. At some point (probably around 5th grade) I realized there was a huge difference and sometimes it bothered me that i couldn't have the things or the trips the others did, but my friends didn't seem to care and there was no social stigma. |
Anonymous
| I was one of those kids, sort of. We had some things but always on a much lower scale than my classmates. I was one of the very few in my class to work part time during high school to have spending money and to be able to pay for my own summer trips. I think it was the right thing in the end although I am happy that my kids don't have to feel the way I did. |
Anonymous
Your daughter already sounds amazing. Wow. Continue to instill in her self-confidence, an awareness that she can achieve anything she puts her mind to and you may be looking at someone who will change the world. |
Anonymous
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DC's were on the lower end of the spectrum for:
family importance, "right" clubs, "right" neighborhoods, historical belonging to the group. Inequitable treatment in one case by the school. Both were a huge mistake and there was social stigma. |
Anonymous
You have just mirrored my DCs experience at a Big 3. Fortunately, senior year is on the horizon. I don't care what anyone says some teachers assume or are given privy to your DC's FA status. Their perception of a child's family background, unfortunately, will impact equitable treatment and expectations. Children are highly sensitive to feeling less than in these environments, some will suck it up and successfully make it through and others will internalize it and underachieve. |
Anonymous
| My ds is definitely one of the have-nots. We are not a FA family, but rather ds's tuition is paid by a relative. He is 10 and doing great. He doesn't care what other kids have or where they go on vacation. He loves our tiny house because he loves his neighborhood friends and wants to be where they are. I know it all may hit the fan one day, but hopefully he's becoming the well rounded and level headed man I hope his and he will be able to understand and appreciate this opportunity he has been given. |
Anonymous
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I was one of those kids (poorer in a wealthy school) and now my kids (K and 2nd) are as well at their "big 3" school. I wouldn't say that my kids notice or care that they don't have as large of a house or as much stuff. But our lives are very different than those around us and it makes it difficult to become good friends simply because we run in different social circles. My kids classmates go skiing most weekends. We can't afford that (several hundred $$ per trip). Their friends all belong to one of several country clubs and a large part of their social time is spent there, especially in summer. We don't belong to a club.
No one is mean about any of this--they are perfectly nice but our lives are very different and kids will generally gravitate towards being good friends with those that they see more. |
Anonymous
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If you are feeling anxieties because you are a 'have not' then don't go to the private schools for petes sake. But if you want a good education for your child and know that your child has a coveted seat wanted by many others then suck it up and know you are there for the education.
You are not there to hang your head because somebody has a bigger house or car. Stop whining or get out and give your seat to someone who wants it regardless of status. |
Anonymous
| I am frankly disturbed when some get financial aid yet have the cash for the clubs. |
Anonymous
| posted to soon... and my lowly self paid full tuition to be treated by those of the right sort. |