How bad will it be for dc to be one of the have-nots at private school?

[Anonymous]

14:00 Don't be so quick to judge someone you may not know. Club membership is a benefit offered by many corporate entities to retain valued employees. The corporations pay the annual fee and the bills. The employee, and his family, enjoy the benefits of his employment. His family financial status my still make him eligible for school financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP- we too are on the lower income range at our private. My DD has already asked questions about her friends' homes being bigger than ours, etc. I answer matter-of-fact like other posters have mentioned. I do occasionally worry if this will become an issue in the later years (she's only in PK now), but I'm taking the perspective that being inoculated with some level of "hardship" will help her survive the real world later in life. But, I'd certainly be willing to reassess if socio-economic issues were impacting her learning experience.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope that I can end this with some honest details of my own experience at DC's Big 3 Private:

My car was a 10 + year old 1997 used vehicle that I paid $500 for. One day it had a flat tire, and I asked a fellow parent if he knew where nearest garage was where I could get it changed. This father, of course, offered to change the tire himself instead. Except, when he walked to my trunk he saw that the trunk and the rear bumper were sealed ( and being held in place) with duct tape. The Dad smiled. I smiled. We laughed. I thanked him , but explained that I had already used the spare.

Before and after this funny incident, my DC was a regular guest at this family's house . This is a very prominent Washington family and obviously we are not. I never felt embarassed for an instant. I think we have all had a car like that at one time in our life and for very good reason and we all know it.

Parenst share a lot of commonality as they sheapherd their kids along the way from Pre-K to college. Its through those joys and trials that friendships are made and built, not for heavens sake, what car you drive, or where you live.

My advice: volunteer at your DC's school, invite kids for play dates even if its a "meet up", and be open to people perhaps just being friendly based on what you do have in common: parenting your childen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: 21:02, thanks a lot. This is very helpful. I wanted to hear from other parents who've btdt, and how you feel if the schools seems like a great fit for dc, you you're not too sure about your own fit v-a-v the parent body. As i said previously, I'm 40 years old. I am happy with my life and with how I live my life. I don't care if I'm not invited to adult events or what the other parents think of my house/car/vacations. But my dc is 4. I don't want him to be excluded, etc. He might not be as resilient, no matter how I try to raise him, and I think I should consider these things now, as opposed to in a year or 2, after a potentially bad experience. thanks again.

PP, who has a child attending on FA again. My DC has never been excluded, has been invited to many play dates and sleep overs, and all the birthday parties. DC's teachers have shared that DC is not just liked, but loved and admired by his classmates.

My pediatrician cautioned me about " lot's of wealthy families in that school" during the 3rd garde outplacement process ( referring to 4-12 school DC matriculated to). He said this because I had asked a question about the school ( an academic work load question, to which he responded with a socila climate answer) My response was, you mean DC's friends ?

Really, I think this is an adult hang up. What do the kids care about ? Will he throw the football to me ? Does he like to play soccer? Does he like comics ? Is he bossy ?

I have also noticed something else at DC's school: the people who have the real money are the most welcoming of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about this too. We are in the same situation - lower end of the income ladder but don't qualify for aid. DS just got accepted to a great school but will we be able to support the fundraising adequately? Will DS start asking for the "right" clothes, the "right" electronics, the "right" spring break trip, eventually a car?? Our public schools are okay but way overcrowded and with worrisome behavioral issues. We hope - and expect - DS will receive an excellent education at the private school while staying grounded.

There are worrisome behavior issues in all private schools as well. Don't kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have also noticed something else at DC's school: the people who have the real money are the most welcoming of all.

That's as bad as saying the opposite. You're generalizing from the small sample of "people with real money" whom you have met and dealth with, and you cannot have met enough at your school to make that statement fairly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

I disagree with your criticism. Many children will do fine regardless of the school they attend. I think PP was great in allowing her child to pick the school --and social pressures-- she wants to participate in. PP's daughter is not doomed to a life of failure for not attending a private school with a bunch of spoiled brats! There are plenty of successful people who attended public school and -gasp- non-Ivy League schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

I disagree with your criticism. Many children will do fine regardless of the school they attend. I think PP was great in allowing her child to pick the school --and social pressures-- she wants to participate in. PP's daughter is not doomed to a life of failure for not attending a private school with a bunch of spoiled brats! There are plenty of successful people who attended public school and -gasp- non-Ivy League schools.

Also wanted to add that there also many people at Ivy League schools who attended public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids (poorer in a wealthy school) and now my kids (K and 2nd) are as well at their "big 3" school. I wouldn't say that my kids notice or care that they don't have as large of a house or as much stuff. But our lives are very different than those around us and it makes it difficult to become good friends simply because we run in different social circles. My kids classmates go skiing most weekends. We can't afford that (several hundred $$ per trip). Their friends all belong to one of several country clubs and a large part of their social time is spent there, especially in summer. We don't belong to a club.

No one is mean about any of this--they are perfectly nice but our lives are very different and kids will generally gravitate towards being good friends with those that they see more.

This.

[Anonymous]

Does your school have a problem with bullies and bullying? And how will the school address this if this is found to be an issue?

Bullying targets are kids who are different. They are too poor, immigrants, have some disability and stand out. It is not unheard of that some targets are 'too rich', but that is far more uncommon than a target that is 'too poor'.
This has been researched a lot and the internet has a lot of information on this subject. What is interesting is that once it was believed that the 'bully' is also in need of help, but recent research does not agree with that.
Kids have to live in this world with everybody, anybody, accept those who are 'low' on their perceived 'status'

[Anonymous]

My car was a 10 + year old 1997 used vehicle that I paid $500 for. One day it had a flat tire, and I asked a fellow parent if he knew where nearest garage was where I could get it changed. This father, of course, offered to change the tire himself instead. Except, when he walked to my trunk he saw that the trunk and the rear bumper were sealed ( and being held in place) with duct tape. The Dad smiled. I smiled. We laughed. I thanked him , but explained that I had already used the spare.

Very cute story. Some one has to be the FA. I go to car pool every day. Never see anything remotely like that in car pool line. Walk in?

[Anonymous]

That is just barely making it at a private. Try million + homes, 75+ cars, 2nd homes in the tropics, of course vaca in the islands, skiing every weekend. Excell in sport of choice, CC, and what is the problem with private lesson every afternoon in their sport? private is a competative world.

That descibes upper middle not ultra wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That is just barely making it at a private. Try million + homes, 75+ cars, 2nd homes in the tropics, of course vaca in the islands, skiing every weekend. Excell in sport of choice, CC, and what is the problem with private lesson every afternoon in their sport? private is a competative world.

That descibes upper middle not ultra wealthy.

And this, my friends, is why people are always claiming there's "diversity" and lots of "normal people" in the top private schools. It sounds like this: sure we have 2 full FA kids per class, and the rich families are the ones with helicopters, but everyone else who "merely" drives a 75K car, or is a deputy assistant secretary instead of a cabinet member, is just "normal".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child really noticecd by 1st grade and it was hard.

All her friends were doing mulitple, expense after school activities and we couldn't afford them.

She was in after care at school but most of her friends went home after school with nannies. That was really hard because she was really tired at the end of the day when she was younger.

Her friends went on vacation for every school break. Most went to Disney twice a year. My child has never been and we will likely never go.

Her friends go to private summer camps we can't afford so my child is stuck at county run camps. She misses out on socializing almost all summer with friends because of this.

It really has sucked and she finally asked to leave the private school this year when we had to say yet again "sorry, that's not in the budget". She asked if she didn't attend her school if then she could do a certain activity and I admitted it that yes she could. A week later, she came to us and said she wanted to go to public school next year. The public school is ok next year she will be headed there. As she got older, the pressure just go to be too much social wise and she was spending more time and effort worrying about missing out on having things and activities and being able to fit in socially that she wasn't focusing on school at all so it became not worth it.

'
So you allowed your FIRST GRADER to make a decision like this, that could potentially impact the rest of her life? Are you kidding me? What kind of parental leadership/ guidance is that??? You [/i]let her decide that a certain activity was more important than going to a good school?[i] Truly, I am shocked by this, and I feel sorry for your child, OP, but not because she's missed out on so-called "activities." Sounds like you're the one who needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it.

You didn't read very well. I said she noticed in 1st grade. She asked to leave a few years later.

[Anonymous]

In our school, the FA lives in a TH in nice zip code. Both parents went to Ivies. They drive a Honda Odessy (don't pay for tuition, duh, so have more money.)
How these two don't make any money is a mystery to all...because they work part time and are ERBs?