Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was born at 8.5 lbs - pretty big for a newborn. Nevertheless, everyone from family to neighbors to friends made comments about how "tiny" she was in the first few weeks. How "small", "tiny", "teeny tiny", etc. I think these are words that people assign to newborns (and yes, OP, 8 weeks is still very close to newborn) and really young babies, period. Get over it and move on.

You're determined not to get it, huh? It's not what the people mean that causes the harm, it's that dozens of people have now told you it touches a nerve and you're determined to tell these parents to move on. It's like if a child is getting slightly obese and you comment "oh she's growing up to be such a big girl!" You might have meant nothing, but those words are still going to be a reminder to mom of something she's stressing about. Just stop saying it, kay?

Riiigggghht. Okay. So we shouldn't use the word tiny to describe young babies because they might have been born a preemie and the mom might be hyper sensitive and freak out on you and insult your child as a means to compensate for her own insecurities. I get it now, thank you for clarifying.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP is not saying her neighbor was being "mean." She said that her neighbor's remark touched a nerve because of the anxiety OP has dealt with in the NICU, etc, relating to size. Can you seriously not understand that, whether or not it makes sense to you or is something you would feel, that it is possible a woman might feel stressed to hear her kid looks tiny? I didn't have a preemie but we were always falling on and off the charts. It was a constant stress, with a feeding specialist consulted. I had to consciously work to keep my mind OFF of his size, off of what he was eating or not eating, off of how he might appear. So when people would say "oh, he's tiny!" it's not like I thought they were assholes or anything, but it reminded me of something that I was trying to cope with already. Maybe all of you on this thread might take heed at how people here are telling you that whether or not you meant harm, [b wrote:saying "tiny" to a baby is actually rude.[/b] It's not rude if you say it without knowing, but now lots of people have told you. So if YOU personally say it again to a mom with a tiny kid, you now know you might be hurting her feelings. So just don't do it.

Are you f*cking kiddding?! Saying tiny to a baby is rude?! Have you lost your mind? Actually, I already know the answer to that, nevermind.

[Anonymous]

Op said her neighbor was aware baby was a preemie so yea fools its rude. It's like telling you your ADHD kid is pretty darn hyper and wild. Not a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth was a neighbor she's never even met supposed to know the baby was a preemie!!! The point many of us keep making is that the neighbor wasn't being rude or insensitive...she merely made an innocuous comment that virtually any rational person might make when encountering a baby human...bc babies ARE small (even those who are ten pounds at birth).

Pay attention. The neighbor knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a fellow preemie mom -- in no way were you being over sensitive. When your baby is a preemie, there is a huge emphasis placed on size, weight, and catching up, and thereafter a huge emphasis on milestones. It's relentless and mothers of term infants simply do not understand how painful it is and how guilty you feel. Being "tiny" at birth can have life long consequences for preemies and it is devastating for the mother to have the baby's size remarked upon by strangers and acquaintances, making her feel like the baby is so different and a freak. People said amazingly insensitive things after I had a preemie. Women remarked that I was so tiny and I guess that was the trade off. My mil asked what I had done wrong. My coworker gleefully informs me, at every stage, that my now 90% percentile baby was the size hers was at basically birth/ four months prior. Having a preemie means your child has special needs -- for the first few years, it is monitored closely and development is watched like a hawk. People think its no big deal, but they need to try to have some compassion and understanding. Late term preemies, babies born from 34 weeks to 37, are three times more likely to have autism, dramtxually more likely to have ADHD, learning disabilities, and delays. It's fu$&&@@ scary and isolating. I don't care if you just say your friends preemie baby is tiny because it is to you and you don't mean to insult. You don't tell disabled people they don't walk. You don't tell obese people they are fat. Grow some sensitivity.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op said her neighbor was aware baby was a preemie so yea fools its rude. It's like telling you your ADHD kid is pretty darn hyper and wild. Not a compliment.

Tiny in and of itself is not an insult. Hyper and wild both have negative connotations. Bottom line, though, I'm sure - willing to bet my house - that the nieghbor didn't mean a thing by it. Yet OP (and some of the rest of you wierdos) made that into fighting words.

OP is in for a long haul if that gets her in a fluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a fellow preemie mom -- in no way were you being over sensitive. When your baby is a preemie, there is a huge emphasis placed on size, weight, and catching up, and thereafter a huge emphasis on milestones. It's relentless and mothers of term infants simply do not understand how painful it is and how guilty you feel. Being "tiny" at birth can have life long consequences for preemies and it is devastating for the mother to have the baby's size remarked upon by strangers and acquaintances, making her feel like the baby is so different and a freak. People said amazingly insensitive things after I had a preemie. Women remarked that I was so tiny and I guess that was the trade off. My mil asked what I had done wrong. My coworker gleefully informs me, at every stage, that my now 90% percentile baby was the size hers was at basically birth/ four months prior. Having a preemie means your child has special needs -- for the first few years, it is monitored closely and development is watched like a hawk. People think its no big deal, but they need to try to have some compassion and understanding. Late term preemies, babies born from 34 weeks to 37, are three times more likely to have autism, dramtxually more likely to have ADHD, learning disabilities, and delays. It's fu$&&@@ scary and isolating. I don't care if you just say your friends preemie baby is tiny because it is to you and you don't mean to insult. You don't tell disabled people they don't walk. You don't tell obese people they are fat. Grow some sensitivity.

Lady, get some perspective. I sympathize with the angst that a preemie mom must feel. But calling a preemie baby - unwittingly - tiny is not AT ALL like telling a disabled person that they can't walk. For one thing, not everyone can spot a preemie baby a mile away. Several preemies in my circle of friends and by two or three months old, they look quite normal and healthy, just, well, tiny. Take your meds and get a grip.

[Anonymous]

^ piss off. Unless your kid was in the nicu and has monthly checks with the state, what do you know about it? Just because you have decided its not a big deal doesn't mean it isn't. Prematurity poses major risks and just because a kid is in your view just fine after a couple of months doesn't mean he or she isn't going to suffer life long consequences from being born early. The impacts are well documented, do a quick google search. I'm just trying to broaden your horizons of what is and isn't special needs and disabled. Many preemie moms would love for you to have some inkling of what it's like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a fellow preemie mom -- in no way were you being over sensitive. When your baby is a preemie, there is a huge emphasis placed on size, weight, and catching up, and thereafter a huge emphasis on milestones. It's relentless and mothers of term infants simply do not understand how painful it is and how guilty you feel. Being "tiny" at birth can have life long consequences for preemies and it is devastating for the mother to have the baby's size remarked upon by strangers and acquaintances, making her feel like the baby is so different and a freak. People said amazingly insensitive things after I had a preemie. Women remarked that I was so tiny and I guess that was the trade off. My mil asked what I had done wrong. My coworker gleefully informs me, at every stage, that my now 90% percentile baby was the size hers was at basically birth/ four months prior. Having a preemie means your child has special needs -- for the first few years, it is monitored closely and development is watched like a hawk. People think its no big deal, but they need to try to have some compassion and understanding. Late term preemies, babies born from 34 weeks to 37, are three times more likely to have autism, dramtxually more likely to have ADHD, learning disabilities, and delays. It's fu$&&@@ scary and isolating. I don't care if you just say your friends preemie baby is tiny because it is to you and you don't mean to insult. You don't tell disabled people they don't walk. You don't tell obese people they are fat. Grow some sensitivity.

I love how the OP's flat out intentional rudeness just gets swept over by your personal negative experiences. I'm glad mothers of preemies are giving us another perspective, but it doesn't give them a free pass to make disparaging remarks.

[Anonymous]

Op wasn't being intentionally rude to her neighbor; she was having a private conversation with her husband which her neighbor inadvertently overheard. Therein lies the difference. If op knew neighbors kid was ring watched for having a gigantic head and she said -- what a handsome little guy! Whoa, look at that noggin! -- then she would be the rude insensitive cow in the situation. Yes, the kids head is big, yes the parents know and are worried about it. Pointing it out is clearly rude. The exact same situation applies when the stupid neighbor knew the baby was a preemie. The end.

[Anonymous]

No, she was being intentionally rude ABOUT her neighbor behind her back so that makes it okay. Now I see...thanks for clearing that up!

[Anonymous]

But you are wrong, pp (and parents of preemies). Tiny doesn't equate to passing judgment on a child's health. Lots of full term babies are 5 or 6 lbs....they are quite tiny. And preemies are tiny. They wear tiny preemie clothes. But tiny doesn't carry a negative connotation...the negative thoughts are in the minds of worried parents. And if you were out and about with an eight week old in this cold weather, then I think it's safe to assume your neighbor (whom you have never spoken to before this encounter) assumed your baby wasn't medically fragile. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

If you are determined not to get it, don't get it. Jut know that a mother tells you her kid was born Iugr -- even more dangerous than just being born premature -- and you ooo and ahhh and say how tiny, it's much like your friend pointing out how very big your ass is after you comment that you're worried about your weight. It's inconsiderate and insensitive and just because you like saying it as think its fine doesn't make it so.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the average person knows what iugr is.

[Anonymous]

No, pp, low birth weigh, as in less than 5.8 pound, poses very serious health and long term risks. You may not know about them because you have not been forced to learn why they are, but the risks include greatly increased chances of death, disability, mental and physical delays, life long health consequences, heightened risks for autism and ADHD and learning disabilities, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. The risks are very serious and terrifying for the mothers and fathers of preemies and low birth weight babies. So again, being tiny as in under six pounds is dangerous for a baby, their parents know it, and pointing it out is unnecessary and rubbing salt in their wound. Refuse to understand if you will, but I really think you should give it a whirl.