Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC

[Anonymous]

OP, what you said was mean. But I would not apologize, I would just leave it be and be friendly to these people when you see them as if nothing had happened. You said her kid was 18 months. When my son was born, he was in the 5th percentile for height and length, and he stayed there for a long time. He's finally in the 25th percentile now that he's 3. When I see little babies, though, I always feel like they look incredibly tiny, even though they may be bigger than my son was back then. It is just easy to forget when your child is older, and you can't believe that your kid was ever that little or delicate. Maybe that's where she was coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd let it go.

I completely get the tiny comment being hurtful.

I had preemie twins (now 5). One of my first friends to see them, was like "Oh wow, they are so small. I don't know anything about small babies! Mine were so big!"

It doesn't hurt my feelings at all now, but I do think about that when I see her sometimes. I chalk it up to bad social skills on her part (she does however have tons of friends!)

I don't think everyone is as sensitive as you about their baby being small.

NP here. People are sensitive, though, when babies are born small and you feel like you've gone through a lot to grow them and get them bigger. I had an early but just barely full-term baby, and I remember being so affronted when people would ask if he was a premie.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS. Not OP here. The word "ridiculous" has been bastardized so much. It isn't exactly a scathing retort anymore, unless it's said in anger, or by an elderly person. And the PP telling OP to seek help and that she is "lashing out at a child" and her emotions are out of control about the tiny thing, etc, is actually displaying some serious histrionics herself! My read was that OP mentioned the backstory of the tiny / huge thing to put her comments in context. Had I heard someone saying "OMG that kid is ridiculous! Did you see his hat?" Honestly, I'd think it was a compliment, because the word is kind of used that way now. It was an urban thing originally that has been coopted by everyone and their mother. So for those of you seeing OP as some sort of baby hater, chill out!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and PPs, it is NOT "hurtful" or "clueless" to call a 9lb infant tiny. It is an objective fact. If you're sensitive about it, that's on you, and you probably better deal with it, because so long as you're holding an infant in your arms, someone is going to use the word tiny, and 99 percent of the time they will intend it to mean "wow, a very new baby, how amazing." If they said things like, gee are you feeding him enough? that would be hurtful. But otherwise, you are just projecting.

Conversely, it's hard to imagine that calling a 18m old "ridiculous" because of his/her size can be interpreted in any manner other than derisive. Not outrageous, but obviously a bit mocking and critical. So OP, don't try to whitewash the fact that you - not your neighbors - screwed up here by telling us that you didn't mean anything by it. Accept responsibility and then move on, and try to find a healthier way to deal with your angst about your child's size and/or premie status than making sarcastic comments about other kids.

+1 Agreed. Your remarks were most definitely mean spirited and from what you said, her's were not said in a critical way. Hopefully she didn't hear you, I know I would feel hurt by hearing that my neighbor thought my child looked ridiculous.

Completely agree with this! Your remarks were hurtful, OP!

Also, OP is not saying her neighbor was being "mean." She said that her neighbor's remark touched a nerve because of the anxiety OP has dealt with in the NICU, etc, relating to size. Can you seriously not understand that, whether or not it makes sense to you or is something you would feel, that it is possible a woman might feel stressed to hear her kid looks tiny? I didn't have a preemie but we were always falling on and off the charts. It was a constant stress, with a feeding specialist consulted. I had to consciously work to keep my mind OFF of his size, off of what he was eating or not eating, off of how he might appear. So when people would say "oh, he's tiny!" it's not like I thought they were assholes or anything, but it reminded me of something that I was trying to cope with already. Maybe all of you on this thread might take heed at how people here are telling you that whether or not you meant harm, saying "tiny" to a baby is actually rude. It's not rude if you say it without knowing, but now lots of people have told you. So if YOU personally say it again to a mom with a tiny kid, you now know you might be hurting her feelings. So just don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd let it go.

I completely get the tiny comment being hurtful.

I had preemie twins (now 5). One of my first friends to see them, was like "Oh wow, they are so small. I don't know anything about small babies! Mine were so big!"

It doesn't hurt my feelings at all now, but I do think about that when I see her sometimes. I chalk it up to bad social skills on her part (she does however have tons of friends!)

I don't think everyone is as sensitive as you about their baby being small.

I was. I worried all the time until she caught up. And I'm not a worrier; it was just a deep monkey mother thing, wanting reassurance that my baby was OK and would be strong and healthy.

[Anonymous]

My DD was born at 8.5 lbs - pretty big for a newborn. Nevertheless, everyone from family to neighbors to friends made comments about how "tiny" she was in the first few weeks. How "small", "tiny", "teeny tiny", etc. I think these are words that people assign to newborns (and yes, OP, 8 weeks is still very close to newborn) and really young babies, period. Get over it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was born at 8.5 lbs - pretty big for a newborn. Nevertheless, everyone from family to neighbors to friends made comments about how "tiny" she was in the first few weeks. How "small", "tiny", "teeny tiny", etc. I think these are words that people assign to newborns (and yes, OP, 8 weeks is still very close to newborn) and really young babies, period. Get over it and move on.

You're determined not to get it, huh? It's not what the people mean that causes the harm, it's that dozens of people have now told you it touches a nerve and you're determined to tell these parents to move on. It's like if a child is getting slightly obese and you comment "oh she's growing up to be such a big girl!" You might have meant nothing, but those words are still going to be a reminder to mom of something she's stressing about. Just stop saying it, kay?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all of the responses, but I will take a lesson from your hurt feelings. My kids were 10lbs at birth. They looked like little monsters next to the 5 and 6 lb babies at the hospital. I tend to say the same thing as your neighbor when I see tiny newborn as I never did experience a tiny baby of my own. If anything I say it because tiny babies are SO.DARN.CUTE. Now I understand that yours was a premie so his size was a source of concern and stress at birth but your neighbor didn't know that and I don't usually either when I'm saying these comments. I'll watch what I say in the future but unless your tone was nasty I wouldn't have taken your comments offensively.

However, if you think you might have hurt their feelings I would say something to them. I would appreciate the air being cleared and if it's no big deal they will tell you. Tell them you are just sensitive of his size due to issues at birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was born at 8.5 lbs - pretty big for a newborn. Nevertheless, everyone from family to neighbors to friends made comments about how "tiny" she was in the first few weeks. How "small", "tiny", "teeny tiny", etc. I think these are words that people assign to newborns (and yes, OP, 8 weeks is still very close to newborn) and really young babies, period. Get over it and move on.

You're determined not to get it, huh? It's not what the people mean that causes the harm, it's that dozens of people have now told you it touches a nerve and you're determined to tell these parents to move on. It's like if a child is getting slightly obese and you comment "oh she's growing up to be such a big girl!" You might have meant nothing, but those words are still going to be a reminder to mom of something she's stressing about. Just stop saying it, kay?

If you get so bent out of shape after normal social interactions, then maybe you and your baby should just stay home until you can interact normally again.

[Anonymous]

10:18 needs to get a grip too. So now the PC police dictate that we must anticipate how our otherwise benign comment might somehow be misinterpreted and misconstrued to be hurtful since some people might have a secret underlying hyper sensitivity to a certain word??? The bottom line here is that the only thing the OP should have control over is her own emotions and response. She freaked out and said something stupid. Period.

[Anonymous]

Op, as a fellow preemie mom -- in no way were you being over sensitive. When your baby is a preemie, there is a huge emphasis placed on size, weight, and catching up, and thereafter a huge emphasis on milestones. It's relentless and mothers of term infants simply do not understand how painful it is and how guilty you feel. Being "tiny" at birth can have life long consequences for preemies and it is devastating for the mother to have the baby's size remarked upon by strangers and acquaintances, making her feel like the baby is so different and a freak. People said amazingly insensitive things after I had a preemie. Women remarked that I was so tiny and I guess that was the trade off. My mil asked what I had done wrong. My coworker gleefully informs me, at every stage, that my now 90% percentile baby was the size hers was at basically birth/ four months prior. Having a preemie means your child has special needs -- for the first few years, it is monitored closely and development is watched like a hawk. People think its no big deal, but they need to try to have some compassion and understanding. Late term preemies, babies born from 34 weeks to 37, are three times more likely to have autism, dramtxually more likely to have ADHD, learning disabilities, and delays. It's fu$&&@@ scary and isolating. I don't care if you just say your friends preemie baby is tiny because it is to you and you don't mean to insult. You don't tell disabled people they don't walk. You don't tell obese people they are fat. Grow some sensitivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this should be a lesson. You're a new mom, everything is a competition and anything that unconsciously strikes a nerve with your own insecurities is an affront. But your neighbor was marvelling at a new baby, and using the word tiny is not an insult. When you have an 18 month old, you too will find every newborn tiny, especially ones that are on the smaller side! Responding to the word tiny by insulting their child as "ridiculous" was unnecessary and unkind. Kids come in all shapes and sizes, and it's not a competition, which the parent of a small child should appreciate every bit as much as the parent of a large child.

This. Oh so this.

Every time I see a newborn now, I'm amazed at how tiny they are - I have a 3 year old. I can't even tell anymore if it is a big or little one.

You are just being an over sensitive new mom.

[Anonymous]

How on earth was a neighbor she's never even met supposed to know the baby was a preemie!!! The point many of us keep making is that the neighbor wasn't being rude or insensitive...she merely made an innocuous comment that virtually any rational person might make when encountering a baby human...bc babies ARE small (even those who are ten pounds at birth).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was born at 8.5 lbs - pretty big for a newborn. Nevertheless, everyone from family to neighbors to friends made comments about how "tiny" she was in the first few weeks. How "small", "tiny", "teeny tiny", etc. I think these are words that people assign to newborns (and yes, OP, 8 weeks is still very close to newborn) and really young babies, period. Get over it and move on.

You're determined not to get it, huh? It's not what the people mean that causes the harm, it's that dozens of people have now told you it touches a nerve and you're determined to tell these parents to move on. It's like if a child is getting slightly obese and you comment "oh she's growing up to be such a big girl!" You might have meant nothing, but those words are still going to be a reminder to mom of something she's stressing about. Just stop saying it, kay?

Take your meds crazy lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and PPs, it is NOT "hurtful" or "clueless" to call a 9lb infant tiny. It is an objective fact. If you're sensitive about it, that's on you, and you probably better deal with it, because so long as you're holding an infant in your arms, someone is going to use the word tiny, and 99 percent of the time they will intend it to mean "wow, a very new baby, how amazing." If they said things like, gee are you feeding him enough? that would be hurtful. But otherwise, you are just projecting.

Conversely, it's hard to imagine that calling a 18m old "ridiculous" because of his/her size can be interpreted in any manner other than derisive. Not outrageous, but obviously a bit mocking and critical. So OP, don't try to whitewash the fact that you - not your neighbors - screwed up here by telling us that you didn't mean anything by it. Accept responsibility and then move on, and try to find a healthier way to deal with your angst about your child's size and/or premie status than making sarcastic comments about other kids.

+1 Agreed. Your remarks were most definitely mean spirited and from what you said, her's were not said in a critical way. Hopefully she didn't hear you, I know I would feel hurt by hearing that my neighbor thought my child looked ridiculous.

Completely agree with this! Your remarks were hurtful, OP!

Also, OP is not saying her neighbor was being "mean." She said that her neighbor's remark touched a nerve because of the anxiety OP has dealt with in the NICU, etc, relating to size. Can you seriously not understand that, whether or not it makes sense to you or is something you would feel, that it is possible a woman might feel stressed to hear her kid looks tiny? I didn't have a preemie but we were always falling on and off the charts. It was a constant stress, with a feeding specialist consulted. I had to consciously work to keep my mind OFF of his size, off of what he was eating or not eating, off of how he might appear. So when people would say "oh, he's tiny!" it's not like I thought they were assholes or anything, but it reminded me of something that I was trying to cope with already. Maybe all of you on this thread might take heed at how people here are telling you that whether or not you meant harm, saying "tiny" to a baby is actually rude. It's not rude if you say it without knowing, but now lots of people have told you. So if YOU personally say it again to a mom with a tiny kid, you now know you might be hurting her feelings. So just don't do it.

All newborns are tiny to parents of toddlers. Isn't it a good thing if I think your baby looks like a normal newborn?

I say it to the woman in my building who had a 10lb baby, they are all TINY!