Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, are you willfully oblivious people even reading? We're not talking about being OFFENDED. I at least clearly said several times that I can't imagine many people would say that trying to hurt your feelings. And most people get that. Nonetheless, if you're having a nice Sunday and for once you happen NOT to be worrying about the baby's size or what he has or hasn't kept down that day, or maybe for once you're not nervous that he'll have to be hospitalized after the scheudled doctor's visit because he hasn't gained...again.... Do you think it is pleasant to get a reminder? That's what I'm saying. I don't think anyone is coming unhinged by the comments. But yeah, some people call all babies tiny. But when your baby is truly teeny tiny, MANY MANY people say it. I'd get it several times a day, every day. Never got it more than once every few months with my chunky first. So please, get outside of yourself. Or don't. You seem to feel that if you don't mean any harm, nobody has a right to be harmed?

And the person saying get psychotherapy, etc, you're just a bitch. I doubt you care if you hurt anyone's feelings. Baiting and insulting a stressed-out group of premie moms and taking shots at them is definitely one of your finer moments. Please, make sure you teach your children to take shots at people who are struggling. Cuz it's just so fun! Right?

OK, mom of a preemie and FTT with developmental disabilities kid here. If innocent gushing about your baby throws you into a tizzy, maybe you do need counseling. That is nuts. Yeah, some people don't get it but harmed. Really?

Seriously, somebody needs to call reading rainbow, fast. You posters don't get it. Nobody said "tizzy." But yes. When you're trying to keep your mind off of something and somebody reminds you of the thing you were forgetting, it's kind of a bummer. There are lots of degrees of "harm." Nobody's doing triage here. We're just saying it brings us down a bit. If you realllllllllllllly feel the need to call our baby's tiny anyway, then maybe you should take your own advice on counseling. Though I'm not really sure they can cure asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd let it go.

I completely get the tiny comment being hurtful.

I had preemie twins (now 5). One of my first friends to see them, was like "Oh wow, they are so small. I don't know anything about small babies! Mine were so big!"

It doesn't hurt my feelings at all now, but I do think about that when I see her sometimes. I chalk it up to bad social skills on her part (she does however have tons of friends!)

I'd chalk it up to oversensitivity on your (and the OP's) part.

Yeah, I have to agree. I would probably say tiny too and it is not because I'm socially backwards socially nor think it would be perceived as insulting. How else would you describe a very small baby? Since when is using an accurate descriptive word wrong? What is wrong is what you said about their child.

You really need to get over yourself and the size of your baby.

Do you realize that context matters? When your DS comes home crying because he's teased in school for being 'tiny', make sure to tell him it's an accurate descriptor. Better yet, tell your DH that his penis is tiny - I'm sure he'll love that.

[Anonymous]

Are you serious with since when is an accurate descriptive word inappropriate? Um, when someone is fat? Covered in acne? Warts? Stupid? When something is objectively ugly or anything else undesirable, it's still rude to point it out. Just because its accurate is certainly no excuse.

[Anonymous]

So, pp who continues to post in defense of the right to use the word tiny, I'm curious. (Or to all of you if it is more than one person)

Speaking hypothetically - and I hope this never, ever happens -

in the future, if you were to have a friend or family member experience premature birth and nicu time, how would you handle this when you first saw the baby after coming home? would you - after everything you have read here - try to avoid calling the baby tiny? Or do you think you would still just talk about babies in the typical way, which includes things like, "wow he's so tiny!"

Btw, November is World Prematurity Awareness Month. You might be interested in taking a look at the March of Dimes website or similar resources. If this isnt your issue, i certainly wouldnt expect you to spend a lot of time on it, but a minute or two might be eye opening. After all this debate, maybe we can accomplish something good with this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, pp who continues to post in defense of the right to use the word tiny, I'm curious. (Or to all of you if it is more than one person)

Speaking hypothetically - and I hope this never, ever happens -

in the future, if you were to have a friend or family member experience premature birth and nicu time, how would you handle this when you first saw the baby after coming home? would you - after everything you have read here - try to avoid calling the baby tiny? Or do you think you would still just talk about babies in the typical way, which includes things like, "wow he's so tiny!"

Btw, November is World Prematurity Awareness Month. You might be interested in taking a look at the March of Dimes website or similar resources. If this isnt your issue, i certainly wouldnt expect you to spend a lot of time on it, but a minute or two might be eye opening. After all this debate, maybe we can accomplish something good with this thread!

+1
Prevalence of preterm births (before 37 weeks GA) is 12%, and 50% of preterm births are idiopathic. So chances of this happening to you or someone close to you are pretty high.
And those who "know" preemies who are doing "just fine": give parents a call and ask them how the first weeks of the babies' lives were, just to get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Another thing, I'm one of the vocal posters saying stop saying tiny to preemies on this thread. I do not personally have a premature child. My dear friend is a nicu nurse, though, and she's shared the perspectives of her patients' parents and warned me when another good friend had a premature baby, never to use the word tiny, small, wee, etc. That it's a sensitive issue and the word triggers anxiety in many preemie moms. Now I have several friends who have had premature babies and let me tell you, it was crazy stressful for every one of them. One has a child in nicu STILL, nearly 3 months after his (8 week) early birth. He did not have IUGR, was actually a "big" preemie, but has necrotizing enterocolitis. People say the dumbest, dumbest shit to them, including "look how tiny." The one thing he's not (relatively) is tiny. So for goodness sake's people, listen up and have a heart. Just stop with the tiny comments already.

[Anonymous]

Another good comparison. Say your child was 3 and still not talking much, you were having speech therapy that was not going well, or even if it was going very well. And some person says "gee, she doesn't say much, does she?"

How would that make you feel? Accurate? Yes. Someone just making small talk or a true observation? Sure. Necessary to say? No. People who are just so determined to ignore sensitivities really perplex me.

[Anonymous]

Yes, if the neighbor knew that the baby was a premie it was certainly a bit insensitive for her to say how tiny the baby was. But it doesn't mean she had bad intentions, or is a horrible person, or that OP should make fun of her kid's size behind her back. OP if your child is a few months and her kid is 18 months, and the two of you are neighbors, chances are good that your kids are going to be playing together in a few years. So put this incident from your mind, don't bring up anyone's size or talk about her kid, and be as friendly as you can to her going forward.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom of a preemie w/ IUGR, now 24m. I generally don't think people mean anything bad by their comments and people always say weird things (about anything) when they are just trying to make conversation, but I do find it odd they way people will just go on and on about my daughter's size.

We were just at a pumpkin patch talking to a random mom with a toddler. She asked how old my daughter is and when I told her she said "OMG, really! I would have said she was 18m. Look, my dd is 18m and she's bigger than your daughter." My daughter is now in a percentile on the regular growth chart, she really isn't that small, and I'm not hung up on her size, but, really, who says that to another person? (Although, I admit that I have snarked privately about gigantor babies.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you people get that tiny is a normal adjective used to describe babies? They are small. Some of you are seriously projecting here. This thread is crazy even by DCUM standards.

Word. What horrible thing will people think of next? Maybe calling a precocious kindergartener clever? The horror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another good comparison. Say your child was 3 and still not talking much, you were having speech therapy that was not going well, or even if it was going very well. And some person says "gee, she doesn't say much, does she?"

How would that make you feel? Accurate? Yes. Someone just making small talk or a true observation? Sure. Necessary to say? No. People who are just so determined to ignore sensitivities really perplex me.

That was my kid. And he was a pre term baby. And people said all the time that he was tiny and cute, that he didn't tAlk much but said a lot with his smile.

And somehow I managed to get through it all without calling their talkative large babies ridiculous or whatever. Or having my feelings hurt by innocent comments.

It really is going to be a long road for parents who can't compartmentalize.

[Anonymous]

Wow, all these preemie mothers jumping on the band wagon.

The whole point was, the OP was a bitch and called her neighbors baby "ridiculous" - she was hurtful.

As for tiny, if its so hurtful, start a pc movement to ban the word. I'm not going to stop using the word of the off chance a baby I see "might" be a preemie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing, I'm one of the vocal posters saying stop saying tiny to preemies on this thread.

See, here's the thing. No one is talking about calling a preemie tiny. Here, OP met someone for the very first time and that person remarked that OPs baby was tiny. OP reacted by making a hurtful comment about that mom's baby. The real issue is that OP was making a hurtful comment about a large baby, not someone making a hurtful comment about a preemie.

Thank you to people who educated the rest of us about what preemie moms are sensitive about. I'm a preemie mom of a FTT kid and I never knew these things. But, the idea that people are intentionally saying offensive things to moms of preemies is just crazy. Who would do that?

[Anonymous]

Good god woman, for the 100th time, the neighbor knew op's baby was a preemie. See how that makes it different? And op did not say to the neighbor that the baby was ridiculous she said it in a conversation with her husband, venting and being snarky as most of us are occasionally in the privacy of of our own homes and her neighbor overheard. Helllllo context and reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Interesting reading about the long term impacts of being tiny at birth.

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/preterm_delivery_or_risk_a_stillbirth_when_is_it_right_to_let_your_unborn.single.html