Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC

[Anonymous]

I think your neighbor was rude, but not intentially. She wasn't that socially tuned in, but I supect she was just trying to be chatty.

There are some comments that don't offend "bour boys is tall," "Your girl is so pretty" and there are other observations that can be painful. I really don't think it's EVER a great idea to comment on how unusually tiny a baby is, even if the child wasn't in the NICU. I doubt very short parents want to hear that over and over.

Wouldn't worry about whether she heard you. She may have assumed your talking about someone else's child. If she did know you were talking about her kid, she'll get over it. I once walked by my elderly neighbors, heard them laughing and then one says "we were just talking about you." This is not possy and I don't see them often so Lord knows what was so funny to them.Then they went back to laughing and didn't share what was so funny.I was offended and a tad paranoid for a good 20 minutes and then I remembered they are usually pretty grumpy so if this added a little laughter to their day no big deal.

[Anonymous]

She said tiny, you said ridiculous. That's not even close to being in the same league. OP was nasty.

[Anonymous]

My friend had a normal sized, not preemie, baby last week. He seemed tiny to me and I said so. Because I can't remember mine being that little. OP, did this person even know your baby was a preemie? I think you're overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Our baby was full term, but rather small, when he was born and I called him tiny and small and didn't much care if others did the same. Now, he's well below the 50% mark for height and weight and people are constantly telling me how huge and tall he is. I get that it's supposed to be a compliment akin to healthy, and I am not insulted, but it's weird.

I agree with the majority that "tiny" is meant as cute, adorable, etc. and unless someone knows your extensive history of trying to get weight on them, it's not critical or insulting. If that's the only thing the person can repeatedly say, well, then they need to work on their vocab.

I'm not a thick-skinned person, but somehow I am able to blow this stuff off or turn it back on the commenter. What am I feeding him to make him so "big?" Fruit loops. Or when he was little, "are you not feeding him at all?" Nope, not until he can fix it himself. Just...eff that.

But to make a snarky comment about their kid's size when you are super sensitive about your own? Not cool.

[Anonymous]

I think you are cherry-picking the facts.

Fact one: OP's baby was a preemie
Fact two: OP's baby was not a newborn
Fact three: The woman repeatedly said "I've never seen a baby this tiny"
Fact four: The woman repeatedly used the word tiny to describe OP's baby.

Now, this is just plain rude rude. Rude, rude, rude. It's not like she cooed "Ohhh, he's so precious, so tiny, so sweet

Sorry, you're the one who is selectively retelling the story. The OP mentioned that the neighbor "gushed" about the baby, so clearly this was a complimentary exchange. The OP has not mentioned how old her child is, but she described it as a 9lb infant. Obviously this is not a 1yo. Secondly, the neighbor said that her own babies were born large and she hadn't seen a baby this tiny. That is not "rude, rude, rude." It's a simple statement of fact. The neighbor gushed, commented on how tiny the baby is, which happens to be a fact, and in return heard her own child described as "ridiculous." Who was rude here?

Babies are small. That's one of the factors that makes them cute. Demanding that others do not comment on the fact that they are small is like expecting people not to mention that the sky is blue. If If you and the other hypersensitive PP really think that the only appropriate thing to say when seeing an infant for the first time is, oh how healthy s/he looks, then you and your children are going to find offense every time you venture out your door.

[Anonymous]

OP from your original post you already know that your neighbor was not using "tiny" as a derogatory term. You also know that you were very unkind in your comment that your neighbor's child looked ridiculous. Let it go OP. We all stick our foot in our mouth from time to time.

Next, time you see your neighbor go out of your way to say something positive about her 18 month old. You could also explain to her (without mentioning her specifically) that you are sensitive to people calling your baby tiny.

Babies are tiny though, it is part of their charm. You will likely hear people describe your child as tiny for awhile and it is not meant to be offensive.

[Anonymous]

As parent to a giant baby/toddler---I would take pride if I overheard that comment.

My second born is judged to be younger than his age and that irks me way more than people that used to express awe over the size of my first kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infants look small to parents of toddlers. You're overthinking.

You aren't kidding. Our premie twins were born last year. They were middling size. At 5 lbs 10 oz and 6 lbs 0.5 oz, we didn't think they were tiny (all of the other babies in the NICU were 4 lbs and under). At 7 weeks, we had them in newborn Halloween outfits. Earlier this fall, I sold the Halloween outfits at our multiples consignment sale. We went to the Halloween party last weekend and we actually saw two 9 week old infants wearing our old outfits. We looked at them. They were TINY. And we realized that our 22.5 and 23.5 lb toddlers WERE tiny last year when they wore those outfits. And it was startling to see how much they had grown in one year.

[Anonymous]

Three separate topics.

Yes, it's thoughtless (I won't say rude as I think rudeness is usually intentional rather than just ignorant) to say you've never seen a baby so tiny if it is not a newborn baby! However, this just might not even occur to many people. I had a really "fat" baby who then fell off the charts. I remember being very pleased when people said he was chubby and then feeling a bit distressed when people observed that he was skinny. This is to the people who say it's so outlandish to be upset by it. While I didn't ever think those people (most of them, there were a few people who would say it deliberately to push buttons, because sadly some folks are like that...but most people) did not mean to be rude, it's just that I could have done without the constant reminder that my kid was falling off the charts. It was not offensive to hear people say he was tiny, it was stressful.

That said, the fact that OP is using this comment to almost justify to herself insulting another kid because it really is uncool to fire back at someone's child because you feel your own child has been insulted. Two wrongs don't make a right, etc, etc.

That said, it's just not really that necessary to justify every off-hand comment between a husband and a wife. If they overheard you, things might cool down for a while. If you notice that happening, clear the air. It's going to feel ridiculous talking about it, because it sounds like both comments (hers and yours) were merely clumsy rather than super insulting. I'd follow her lead. Invite her to coffee right away and you might just mention that your DC had issues and that's why you're sensitive to comments about size, even though you know you shouldn't be and that people mean well. Then if she says "well, why did you say my kid was ridiculous" or something, you could just apologize and say that you didn't mean it to come across that way, and that maybe it's just better to avoid remarking on kids' size. You could even laugh it off and say "I guess talking about childrens' sizes can be as fraught as discussing dress sizes" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from your original post you already know that your neighbor was not using "tiny" as a derogatory term. You also know that you were very unkind in your comment that your neighbor's child looked ridiculous. Let it go OP. We all stick our foot in our mouth from time to time.

Next, time you see your neighbor go out of your way to say something positive about her 18 month old. You could also explain to her (without mentioning her specifically) that you are sensitive to people calling your baby tiny.

Babies are tiny though, it is part of their charm. You will likely hear people describe your child as tiny for awhile and it is not meant to be offensive.

We ALL say things we regret and sometimes they are and sometimes they are not warranted. Given this, I like the suggestion above. You don't know if she heard so you can't say anything outright. But you can mention you are really sensitive about your baby's size and that it sometimes brings out your worst side. Then say something nice about her healthy looking tot and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As parent to a giant baby/toddler---I would take pride if I overheard that comment.

My second born is judged to be younger than his age and that irks me way more than people that used to express awe over the size of my first kid.

OP here - thanks, you made my day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all for weighing in. I’ll be extra sweet and complimentary next time I see them.

To clarify a few things:
My DC is almost 8 weeks old and over 9 pounds.

Neighbors know he was a preemie. I truly do not believe she meant to be rude or hurtful, and by no means do I feel justified to say something that might be perceived as rude about her kid. The use of “ridiculous” (although in the privacy of our own home) was unfortunate, as I truly didn’t mean anything negative by it – big foot in loud mouth. If anything, admiration and a bit of envy is what I felt. I do think the neighbors are really nice, and their kid looks healthy and adorable (nothing ridiculous about how he looks).

It seems that ppl who are moms of preemies and size-challenged babies get it. I acknowledge this is my insecurity, and my issue, coming after a complicated pregnancy with IUGR (during which I kept hearing how tiny my bump was), and after months of wondering what the F is wrong with my body that it did not nourish my child properly and ‘ejected’ him preterm. I’m not saying the world has to cater to me, know all this and pretend DC isn’t tiny; just explaining where I’m coming from and pointing out why these comments were annoying and hurtful when he was a newborn. And now, after so many sleepless nights, and overcoming all the health and feeding challenges specific to a preemie, I was feeling so proud that DC doubled his birth weight and reached 9 lbs way ahead of schedule, so I didn’t think he stood out as ‘tiny’ anymore. Hearing her say that her baby was so big from the beginning and she’s never seen one so tiny irked me, but I do not hold it against her, and it was definitely not my intention to offend her/ her DC in turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, even if your child were not a premie, people would still comment on how tiny he is. It's a newborn thing. Try not to overthink it too much. I bet, in just a year or so you will look back at his infant pictures and think, "aw, he was so tiny back then!!"

Yes, this. I have 3 kids and when I went to see my friend who just had twins (full term), I even remarked about how I had forgotten how small babies were. Wouldn't even occur to me that this was offensive to some parents.

Honestly, we just forget how small babies are and can't help but remark on it at times. Not meant to be an insult at all. Your comment, on the other hand, was meant to be insulting....

Just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for weighing in. I’ll be extra sweet and complimentary next time I see them.

To clarify a few things:
My DC is almost 8 weeks old and over 9 pounds.

Neighbors know he was a preemie. I truly do not believe she meant to be rude or hurtful, and by no means do I feel justified to say something that might be perceived as rude about her kid. The use of “ridiculous” (although in the privacy of our own home) was unfortunate, as I truly didn’t mean anything negative by it – big foot in loud mouth. If anything, admiration and a bit of envy is what I felt. I do think the neighbors are really nice, and their kid looks healthy and adorable (nothing ridiculous about how he looks).

It seems that ppl who are moms of preemies and size-challenged babies get it. I acknowledge this is my insecurity, and my issue, coming after a complicated pregnancy with IUGR (during which I kept hearing how tiny my bump was), and after months of wondering what the F is wrong with my body that it did not nourish my child properly and ‘ejected’ him preterm. I’m not saying the world has to cater to me, know all this and pretend DC isn’t tiny; just explaining where I’m coming from and pointing out why these comments were annoying and hurtful when he was a newborn. And now, after so many sleepless nights, and overcoming all the health and feeding challenges specific to a preemie, I was feeling so proud that DC doubled his birth weight and reached 9 lbs way ahead of schedule, so I didn’t think he stood out as ‘tiny’ anymore. Hearing her say that her baby was so big from the beginning and she’s never seen one so tiny irked me, but I do not hold it against her, and it was definitely not my intention to offend her/ her DC in turn.

Once again - he is tiny to her because he is a newborn and she has a toddler. Period. Move on, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'm at all oversensitve in general.

Oversensitive people never do. Then they go to pieces when someone calls their kid "tiny."