How to say no to family members who want to stay at our house when we're not here -- white lie?

[Anonymous]

The thing is, it is one thing if they are coming to see you, but in this case, the family is just using your place for free lodging. If they were model house guests, e.g., left the place clean, with a few nice bottles of wine on the counter and flowers, that would be one thing...

So, OP, I am firmly in the camp that you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no. Now, as how to actually say no without feeling guilty or getting flack...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think either you mention that you are not comfortable letting any family/friends stay at your home when you're not there, or similar to suggestions already offered from PPs, couch it so that you grant permission but express discomfort at not being there (e.g., too much burden to clean/rearrange, etc, when you're back). Of course, your family may just say, "Oh, don't worry! We'll take care of things fine."

SO I suppose, you would have to just see how things go. Sort of a litmus test that one time. If you're not satisfied once you're back, you have a real chance to refuse them on future requests, based on past experience.

[Anonymous]

OP if you still out there please give us the follow up, did you say no? what was the outcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to let them stay there but take this chance to tell them the truth and be completely frank. The idea of coming back from vacation to a trashed house (and the stress from that undoing all the relaxation of your vacation!) gives you the excuse to broach the subject. Give them one chance to prove that they can be good houseguests; follow PPs suggestions about cleaning up, you'd appreciate if they could run the linens in the wash, ask them to board their dog or leave the dog with the other relatives, etc. You can be humorous about it but completely frank and honest; they are the ones at fault here, not you. You can be gracious and hospitable without being doormats or their maids.

Btw, it would skeeve me out to have other people sleeping in my bed (I know it's neurotic and irrational, but whatever), so if that's an issue for you then just get it out in the open and ask them not to sleep in your bed.

Let us know what happens, OP!!

I totally agree with this. Say that you'd be happy to have them stay at your house without the dog and with a cleaning at the end of the week.

[Anonymous]

so...how did they take it???

[Anonymous]

say no, you are not a hotel!

[Anonymous]

OP here. We're playing phone tag but I'm going to call her tonight. You guys have been infinitely helpful. I have one other question. I know that I can't be totally vague and just stonewall with something like "it's just not going to work.". These are pretty close relatives and I owe them a more complete explanation. I'm going to be honest and say I just get too stressed when I don't have the house in order on Sunday night and I won't have time to get cleaned up from their visit. Here's my question: What do I say if she says "don't worry, we'll leave the house exactly like we found it.". I know for a fact that they won't, even if they intend to.

[Anonymous]

You could say that you know they would have good intentions but the way things pan out is always that after guests stay, there is mess and disruption, and this time around it's just too much for you to have to worry about.

[Anonymous]

OP - just repeat "sorry, it won't work to have you stay with us, it's too stressful for me." Then change the subject. It is no use getting in to a back-and-forth - this family is not aware of the impact of their behavior, and you're not going to be able to convince them...

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, give it a rest already and quit. You know you are going to let them stay so stop posting.

It doesn't matter how close you think you are too them (and if they visit once a year or so, you aren't that close) you do not owe them a detailed explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question: What do I say if she says "don't worry, we'll leave the house exactly like we found it.". I know for a fact that they won't, even if they intend to.

"I know for a fact that you won't, even if you intend to."

Okay, that's harsh, you can say "I'll leave instructions for the dishwasher and washing machine and there will be plenty of detergent for all your sheets and towels. Just fold them and leave them on the couch and I'll put them away in the proper place. I'll leave the vacuum in the living room and bathroom cleaners easily accessible. Just promise me you will absolutely not allow food outside the kitchen or let the dog on the furniture. We've never had people use our home when we're not able to host them so I hope you understand why this is not ideal for us."

I would not leave food though. They would be getting free housing so they can spring for their own food!

What are they coming for? WIll they really be in the house that much or will they be off with the other family members?

[Anonymous]

I had a cousin who had just had major surgery stay last summer along with his wife, 6 year old and aunt at my home for 6 weeks. They were visiting from Europe and would be coming to CA after the surgery. I knew deep down that this was not a good idea but went along with the wife. How do I make this into the condensed story? Anyway, after about 5 days, I was wondering how I would put up for 5 more weeks? They would leave in between for a few days but to say this was He** is an understatement. I finally blew up and could not take anymore and told him exactly what was on my mind. A year later, he needed to come back to the US for a 1 year follow up, and said we will be in your town but only on weekends. I told them flat out, I'm sorry, but we just won't be able to accommodate you at at the house and referred them to some very nice hotels very close to us. I can't beleive that anyone would even ask to stay again even just for weekends. Did they not get it that I did not want them there?

Oh well. The best thing I did was be blunt and tell them sorry, no accommodations this time.

[Anonymous]

"NO". Does this really need 6 pages.

You're a big girl. Learn to say NO.

[Anonymous]

Ooh, a two year old thread dredged up.

Op --you still around? How did this turn out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you're sorry but you already promised it to another friend whose family is coming to town that week. Say you just feel terribly and wish you had known, but you cant exactly ask that family to not stay since you already promised them your house. Do NOT GIVE IN and let them stay. Seriously, sounds terrible. They stay for free and dont even clean up after themselves and leave it in the condition they found it? Forget it!

This seems like a good white lie.

Or you can say it isn't a good week and if they keep pressing why - say you are hosting your boss for dinner the day after you come back and you need for the house for to be pristine. Boss is severly allergic - maybe they will offer to put dog in the kennel or be extra conscious of keeping clean. Worse case scenario - you come home to a huge mess and you tell them you are very dissappointed and then you have every reason to say no in the future. Keep master bedroom off limits at a minimum.