How to say no to family members who want to stay at our house when we're not here -- white lie?

[Anonymous]

I probably would suck it up and let them stay too, but then most of my family would not be able to afford a hotel or other accomodations. I would imagine they'd clean up better if they were the only ones there and could see that they were clearly the ones responsible for the messes, but maybe that's wishful thinking.

[Anonymous]

What the hell is a white lie? Think about that phrase.

Geesh.. tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry, but I'm going to be that person who says, "just suck it up and let them stay."

They're family! They feel comfortable in your house. That's a good thing. Saying no to this request (or assumption, such as it may be) could become a wedge in the relationship.

Let them know what your rules are and ask them to abide by them. Ask them to strip the beds and put in laundry area before they go.

This shouldn't be such a big deal. But our culture has gotten very focused on the nuclear family and less welcoming of and reliant on the larger family group.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think if you do not want them to stay (and I completely understand why) just tell them. I would not be comfortable with ppl staying in my home while I was away. They will be mad. They will ask why. they may even beg. Just stick to your guns and say no. It is your house. You do not have to let them stay for God's sake. I don't get ppl on here who say to suck it up. OP doesn't owe these ppl anything. It's her decision to make. OP, make it. stick to it and don't wimp out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's high time you just told them the truth - you don't want them staying in your house when you're not there, period. If they ask why, you can use it as an opening to tell them, "Look, every time you have stayed here in the last year, you haven't respected my house. Your dog is all over the furniture, despite me asking you not to let the dog on the furniture, your kids eat all the food and you don't clean up after yourselves. This is my house, not a hotel."

Will they think you're a bitch? Absolutely. Will you actually BE a bitch? Probably. But you will still be justified in the points you are making and things might actually change.

Flame away, polite martyrs of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

PP here - if you decide the fallout of saying no is too great, I really love the suggestion of having a cleaning service in. I'd let them know that it's really important to your sanity that you return to a clean house on Sunday when you get back from vacation, so you have ALREADY scheduled your cleaning people to come in on Saturday at noon.

treat it like a beach house rental: I'd ask them to tidy up (be specific as to what needs to be done - newspapers thrown out, beds stripped and linens placed in laundry room, dishwasher run and emptied, etc.) and be out of the house by 11am that morning.

I'd also ask that Fido be confined to the kitchen and family room (or whatever space you designate as being pet-friendly) and actually close off the rooms where Fido shouldn't go. You should also leave newspaper or plastic supermarket bags with a note indicating they can use these to pick up Fido's poop in your yard or around the neighborhood.

You should also leave the house free of food, but leave your recyclable shopping bags and directions to the supermarket so they can buy their own food. If you have expensive wine or liquor (or other food) that you're afraid they'll get into, pack it up and move to a friends' house while you're gone. If I were them, I would restock the fridge with essentials so when you got back from your trip, you'd at least have milk, eggs, bread and some basics, but it sounds like this family lacks basic manners.

A lot of trouble for sure, but maybe better to keep the peace and start to send some messages as to what you expect from them as house guests.

Good luck - keep us posted!!!

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, but I'm not comfortable having you stay here while we're gone."

If they object, you can just repeat endlessly, or you can tell them the truth: You don't follow the house rules when we're here, and I'm concerned about how much worse it would be if we're not here.

I don't think it's fair to complain that they eat all your food. They have to eat. But making a mess, not controlling their dog? They want to live the way they live at their own house. They should be able to do that -- just not at your house. Maybe they can find a VRBO that will accommodate them. And if not, maybe it will open their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry, but I'm not comfortable having you stay here while we're gone."

If they object, you can just repeat endlessly, or you can tell them the truth: You don't follow the house rules when we're here, and I'm concerned about how much worse it would be if we're not here.

I don't think it's fair to complain that they eat all your food. They have to eat. But making a mess, not controlling their dog? They want to live the way they live at their own house. They should be able to do that -- just not at your house. Maybe they can find a VRBO that will accommodate them. And if not, maybe it will open their eyes.

As a guest, I would NEVER eat all the food in someone's fridge without restocking the fridge. I wouldn't do it now, as an adult, and I wouldn't have done it when I was a teenager either. I think it is completely reasonable to say "Family, I am happy to have you stay here when we are here (and only when we are here), but you need to contribute to the grocery fund if you're going to eat everything in the fridge. We cannot afford to feed a second family (even if you can)."

PP, why in the world would you think this was okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's high time you just told them the truth - you don't want them staying in your house when you're not there, period. If they ask why, you can use it as an opening to tell them, "Look, every time you have stayed here in the last year, you haven't respected my house. Your dog is all over the furniture, despite me asking you not to let the dog on the furniture, your kids eat all the food and you don't clean up after yourselves. This is my house, not a hotel."

Will they think you're a bitch? Absolutely. Will you actually BE a bitch? Probably. But you will still be justified in the points you are making and things might actually change.

Flame away, polite martyrs of DCUM.

I agree fully and completely with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

How flippin' fragile are you people, if your house being messy stresses you out so much that you can't get through the week? Good grief.

[Anonymous]

10:24 - ITA. However, OP seems like she has bully types who will counter everything that comes out of her mouth. Who needs it? Keep it short and sweet, OP. If you tell them its just not going to work for us, or that you have someone taking care of things for you that week dn there just isn't room, that's fine. In other words, someone respectful, decent and classy will be here, we don't have room for you. But say it in the nice way. I can't believe anyone would bring a dog to anyone else's house. That's bad.

Paragraph police: stuff it. Not all of us can be you. Thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP, why in the world would you think this was okay?

Because you have to feed your guests. And if they eat a lot, those are the breaks.

Would it be gracious to re-stock? Yes. Do these people seem like they are going to restock with food you (or I) would actually eat? I am guessing no. So I'd rather they didn't bother.

[Anonymous]

Option 1: "As you know, we'll be away. One of my favorite parts about vacation is coming home to a house that is clean without laundry waiting. So you can plan to stay at our home so long as you cover a cleaning service that I can arrange."

Option 2: "As you know we'll be away. I'm not keen on having house guests when we're not there, so I'm afraid a visit won't work that week. I'm sure you understand."