How to say no to family members who want to stay at our house when we're not here -- white lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not offer any white lie or excuse. Why? Because they'll counter it.

A/C broken:"No problem. We love the heat."
House getting fumigated: "Oh that won't bother us. We love chemicals."
Need the house to be clean to start the week: "We promise we'll be neat as a pin."

Instead, say "It's just not going to work for us." This is one of those times where the less you say, the better. There is no counter response. Just keep repeating, "It's just not going to work."

OP here. Do you KNOW my family?? You are exactly right about the countering! Plus I think I should at least be considerate enough to tell them in advance so they can make other arrangements, and if I needed fumigation or AC repair that would be something that came up last minute. I guess I need to just say no but they're going to think I'm such a bitch.

But most importantly I'm so glad nobody (so far) has said I have to suck it up and let them stay!

Look OP it seems like what you want is pity not an actual answer because you seem resigned to having them stay in your house. If so, then yes, I say stop complaining and suck it up.

If you really don't want them to stay, then the PP is right, if they ask you or anyone else asks you, you say "sorry that won't work for us". If they ask "Why?" Just leave a long pause in the conversation, and go on to the next topic. If they persist, you simply repeat, "It's just not going to work for us" and then end the conversation by saying you need to go urgently and hang up. Worst case scenario they will be mad, never get over it, and never visit again (and apparently they won't be a bad thing). More likely scenario, they will be pissed, bitch and gossip about you to other family, and still come visit you in the future because they will move on and get over it. They will also start taking your rules at your home more seriously when visiting because they realize that you aren't a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not offer any white lie or excuse. Why? Because they'll counter it.

A/C broken:"No problem. We love the heat."
House getting fumigated: "Oh that won't bother us. We love chemicals."
Need the house to be clean to start the week: "We promise we'll be neat as a pin."

Instead, say "It's just not going to work for us." This is one of those times where the less you say, the better. There is no counter response. Just keep repeating, "It's just not going to work."

OP here. Do you KNOW my family?? You are exactly right about the countering! Plus I think I should at least be considerate enough to tell them in advance so they can make other arrangements, and if I needed fumigation or AC repair that would be something that came up last minute. I guess I need to just say no but they're going to think I'm such a bitch.

But most importantly I'm so glad nobody (so far) has said I have to suck it up and let them stay!

If you already know how they'll respond, why are you asking us?

I am not the OP - but I do this all the time to help me process things - or discuss things that I think make it look like I have a major character flaw in that I am not Mother Theresa. DCUM is like having a great friend for a sounding board who is available 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have family who comes to town periodically to see us and relatives on the other side of their family who also live nearby. The other relatives live in a small apartment and we have a good-sized house so they always stay with us -- 2 parents, 3 kids, and a dog. It is fun but also exhausting because they are not respectful of the way we keep our house. We're not super anal but they are like a tornado. Next month their other relatives are having a big event and it happens that we will be out of town. Our family members have asked (more like assumed) to stay at our house anyway. I hate this idea. It's not like they're going to steal or break stuff, but I know they won't follow our usual rules (no food in kids' rooms, no pets on furniture, etc.), their teenagers will eat everything that's not nailed down, and we will come home Sunday night to a dirty house with no food and 5 loads of sheets and towels to wash. I work FT and it REALLY stresses me out to start the week that way.
In the past there have been a few times when they have wanted to come and we are just not up for it, and we have told them we have already booked other friends to stay with us. But this time they know we are going to be on vacation. Do we have to just grin and bear them staying in our house? If not, how can we say no gracefully? (White lies are fine.) The problem is they really think they are model houseguests. I bet they think they're doing us a favor by housesitting.

Without your family in the house they will have the master suite plus your children's rooms. More space than when they are houseguests while you are there [possibly gurst room and finished basement]. Also more baths.

How do you get 5 loads of sheets? Do you have 5 guest beds for them? If you have old beds get rid of them and have them bring sleeping bags and air mattresses. Provide no space other than the floor. Do they sleep on all the couches with sheets?

I might let them stay while you're gone but lock up all the family bedrooms and other rooms you don't want them in.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the problem is that you've allowed these people to believe that they are perfect houseguests for years. They are family. Five years ago you could have said, look, no dogs on the furniture EVER. If fido can't handle it, he can't stay. Or, little Johnny and Suzy seem to prefer more food them we have on hand and than what we typically serve. Please bring snacks for them next time. There is a whole host of things you could have said all along to these people, especially if they are the type to counter whatever you say. You can be firm and less polite IMO with people who are dense asses.

[Anonymous]

Do not let them stay. Say you have an awful infestation of bed bugs and need the house empty so it can be properly treated while you are out.

[Anonymous]

Say no and do not feel bad!

[Anonymous]

Just say no and tell the truth but keep it short. Say, "I'm just not comfortable with guests staying in our home when we're not here." Maybe help recommend some alternatives. I'd be prepared for hurt feelings, but if you do it nicely and give them advance notice, you've done the right thing even if they don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry, we are going to be out of town, so that's not going to work. But I hope you have a great time.... We'll catch up later."

I agree. If they ask, say "no, I'm afraid that won't work for us."

Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them that it's not going to work this time, and that you are so sorry.

[Anonymous]

No, we aren't comfortable having people stay in our home when we aren't there.

If questioned or countered, long pause and repeat.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here is how I deal with things with my MIL. We have a great relationship but she is like your relatives...and just saying 'no' is never enough because she'll just try a different line of questioning or think of another 'idea'.

'My anxiety levels are really high right now. Please don't take it personally, but I get really anxious when I think of someone else staying in my home when I'm gone. I know I'm being neurotic and nonsensical, but I hope you understand that I simply can't handle it.'

That way, if they push, then you can just tell them that their persistence is making you even more anxious. If they view you as more of a loose cannon, they're more likely to walk on eggshells. And you can get DH to back you up. It never hurts to throw in a false medical history of an ER visit for a panic attack or two

[Anonymous]

One thing we do when people stay at our beach house is make a cleaning service non negotiable. I don't mind people staying but I want the house clean when I get there. So you might consider that approach - okay for them to stay but they will need to arrange for a cleaning service (or if you have one pay for an extra cleaning) and wash all the linens before you return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not offer any white lie or excuse. Why? Because they'll counter it.

A/C broken:"No problem. We love the heat."
House getting fumigated: "Oh that won't bother us. We love chemicals."
Need the house to be clean to start the week: "We promise we'll be neat as a pin."

Instead, say "It's just not going to work for us." This is one of those times where the less you say, the better. There is no counter response. Just keep repeating, "It's just not going to work."

OP here. Do you KNOW my family?? You are exactly right about the countering! Plus I think I should at least be considerate enough to tell them in advance so they can make other arrangements, and if I needed fumigation or AC repair that would be something that came up last minute. I guess I need to just say no but they're going to think I'm such a bitch.

But most importantly I'm so glad nobody (so far) has said I have to suck it up and let them stay!

Well, I think you should suck it up. They're family, you're definitely going to piss them off so you won't be stressed, and you apparently haven't raised these issues with them in the past. So now, they have a perfectly reasonable expectation of staying at your place torpedoed because of issues you have with them that you've never told them about (apparently). That sucks, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Don't make up lies. You leave yourself open to questioning and you'll likely get caught up in explaining/digging your way out of the lie.

Just keep it very high-level, say "It's not gonna work out I'm afraid, maybe another time."

If they ask why? Just respond with the same words, but in a tone that's basically saying I just told you no.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, but it just won't work for us this time."

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't want to get into it, but suffice it to say it's just not going to work."

"Oh, come on, tell me...."

"Like I said, I don't want to get into the details, but I hope you have a good trip. Hey, I've got to finish dinner. Have a good night!"


The magical phrase here: "I don't want to get into it." It implies there's an issue, but you don't let them peek at the details and try to "solve" it for you. My MIL is a solver like that. I let DH handle her at all times. But, if this is your family, you've got to suck it up and do it yourself.