How to say no to family members who want to stay at our house when we're not here -- white lie?

[Anonymous]

OP: Tell them you have bedbugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Tell them you have bedbugs.

No. Stop with the so-called "white lie" idea...it's completely transparent. And it's not a "white lie"...it's a lie. Be a grown-up, make a decision about what you are willing or not willing to offer, convey the message tactfully and expect them to take the message like adults. If they don't it looks bad for them, not you.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to let them stay there but take this chance to tell them the truth and be completely frank. The idea of coming back from vacation to a trashed house (and the stress from that undoing all the relaxation of your vacation!) gives you the excuse to broach the subject. Give them one chance to prove that they can be good houseguests; follow PPs suggestions about cleaning up, you'd appreciate if they could run the linens in the wash, ask them to board their dog or leave the dog with the other relatives, etc. You can be humorous about it but completely frank and honest; they are the ones at fault here, not you. You can be gracious and hospitable without being doormats or their maids.

Btw, it would skeeve me out to have other people sleeping in my bed (I know it's neurotic and irrational, but whatever), so if that's an issue for you then just get it out in the open and ask them not to sleep in your bed.

Let us know what happens, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PP, why in the world would you think this was okay?

Because you have to feed your guests. And if they eat a lot, those are the breaks.

Would it be gracious to re-stock? Yes. Do these people seem like they are going to restock with food you (or I) would actually eat? I am guessing no. So I'd rather they didn't bother.

I disagree that you have to feed your guests. If OP had invited these people here, that would be one thing. But it sounds like they invite themselves over multiple times a year, trash the place and clean out the fridge and cabinets.

My family was here visiting this spring. They live on the West Coast and don't come out here often. We talked in advance about grocery purchases - special things they wanted, how they could contribute, etc. - and then I ordered those things. They offered to pay, and I did not let them because they were my guests, invited here by me for a week of vacation. They were also respectful of my house, my stuff, my rules, etc. If they'd invited themselves over, a couple times a year, to see other people in the area, disrespected the rules, the space and my hospitality, I would leave takeout menus and suggest that they avail themselves of the local grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Do not let them stay, do not lie and do not expect there will be no consequences to your relationship.

[Anonymous]

White lies--don't do it, for many reasons. First, they sound like the kind of people without boundaries and will just come back with retorts like PPs and OP have mentioned they will ("oh, no problem about the a/c, we like heat"). Saying bed bugs--well, does OP want it spread around her family that their house is contaminated with bed bugs?

I would tell them that having guests in the house while away doesn't work for you. Just be prepared (since they step over your boundaries already) that they may probe further. "Why not? We don't be a problem" or "we're family, not guests". Just keep repeating, "it doesn't work for us this time. We'll catch you on a future visit, hope you enjoy this one. See you."

[Anonymous]

Tell the truth. "We'll be on vacation that week, and we're not comfortable having people stay in our house when we're not here."

If they think you're a bitch, all the better. Maybe they won't ask to stay with you next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's high time you just told them the truth - you don't want them staying in your house when you're not there, period. If they ask why, you can use it as an opening to tell them, "Look, every time you have stayed here in the last year, you haven't respected my house. Your dog is all over the furniture, despite me asking you not to let the dog on the furniture, your kids eat all the food and you don't clean up after yourselves. This is my house, not a hotel."

Will they think you're a bitch? Absolutely. Will you actually BE a bitch? Probably. But you will still be justified in the points you are making and things might actually change.

Flame away, polite martyrs of DCUM.

I agree fully and completely with this.

100%

[Anonymous]

Tell them you have bed bugs.

[Anonymous]

I would never let my family stay at my home unattended, so in this situation, I would just say I was uncomforatble having them stay without someone from my family being there. While some people may not feel the same, isn't that something everyone can understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to let them stay there but take this chance to tell them the truth and be completely frank. The idea of coming back from vacation to a trashed house (and the stress from that undoing all the relaxation of your vacation!) gives you the excuse to broach the subject. Give them one chance to prove that they can be good houseguests; follow PPs suggestions about cleaning up, you'd appreciate if they could run the linens in the wash, ask them to board their dog or leave the dog with the other relatives, etc. You can be humorous about it but completely frank and honest; they are the ones at fault here, not you. You can be gracious and hospitable without being doormats or their maids.

Btw, it would skeeve me out to have other people sleeping in my bed (I know it's neurotic and irrational, but whatever), so if that's an issue for you then just get it out in the open and ask them not to sleep in your bed.

Let us know what happens, OP!!

I agree with this. Give them rules and give them one chance to respect your property. I grew up on Cape Cod with a huge extended family and our house was NUTS every summer with visitors. I remember the summer my mom finally put her foot down to family coming to use our place like a free vacation rental. She didn't mind the company, but the mess they left. She made a list of 'house rules' that she would give run by family ahead of when they came/give them a copy when they arrived. And if they destroyed our house/left dirty towels everywhere/ate through all our food without restocking, well, they would have to get a hotel if they wanted to come in the future. She did end up banning her younger brother/his slob family, which I think he was mad about at first but now 20 years later it is a good family joke.

Putting your foot down night might cause you a lot less stress for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry, but it just won't work for us this time."

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't want to get into it, but suffice it to say it's just not going to work."

"Oh, come on, tell me...."

"Like I said, I don't want to get into the details, but I hope you have a good trip. Hey, I've got to finish dinner. Have a good night!"


The magical phrase here: "I don't want to get into it." It implies there's an issue, but you don't let them peek at the details and try to "solve" it for you. My MIL is a solver like that. I let DH handle her at all times. But, if this is your family, you've got to suck it up and do it yourself.

The next thing that could happen "so did you hear Bob and Susie don't want us to stay at their house when they are away? I wonder if they are having problems in their marriage?" Just say, as PP have suggested - it's not going to work this time. If they press it, be direct and give them the reasons you stated, don't be passive aggressive about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never let my family stay at my home unattended, so in this situation, I would just say I was uncomforatble having them stay without someone from my family being there. While some people may not feel the same, isn't that something everyone can understand?

Not really. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never let my family stay at my home unattended, so in this situation, I would just say I was uncomforatble having them stay without someone from my family being there. While some people may not feel the same, isn't that something everyone can understand?

Not really. Why not?

i can understand even though pretty much every time we go away someone uses our home. There are always people we know or friends of friends who need a place to stay for any number of reasons. out house is sitting empty - why not have someone use it.

I imagine if you are an uptight stressed out Type A person who doesn't want anything out of place then not having people stay makes sense. Chances are your family and friends already know you are that way and would understand if you said no. It isn't like they think you are laid back in general then became anal all of a sudden. This is my best friend - she would never have anyone stay in her house while they were away but no one would expect too as everyone knows how she is!

[Anonymous]

OP - just tell them it won't work for you, you don't feel comfortable with anyone in the house while you are gone and be ready to deal with the consequences. If they think you are a b*tch, oh well - tough. They are being pushy and rude by assuming they can use your house as a hotel.

People like this never learn, and will just move on to someone else.

Can you imagine if you did let them stay and you came back to not only dirty laundry, but missing valuables, and broken major appliances? What if they took your car out and had an accident?

Just NOT worth it.