Friends don't want to pay for beach house, and think it was my fault?

[Anonymous]

A friend and I go to the beach every few years. Because her husband is military she gets a discount so she pays for the room/house and I buy all the groceries and eating out.

I just came back from a long weekend working as a nanny for a family who shared a house with some friends. The mom I worked for is an attorney so this may have played a role in how she worded the emails (some of which I was cc'd on.) She was EXTREMELY precise about the cost of the house, who was buying food and what meals were shared, who is splitting the cost of the nanny and what that cost was total and split, the costs of the preplanned activities, the total approximate costs.

I guess the lesson of the day is to be very specific though in all fairness I think OP's email was ambiguous enough that I would have followed up and asked for the total of my own half. I would not have assumed it was her treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are wealthy. it's absurd for your friends to claim they thought this was your treat. Especially if you have an email where you talked about COSTS.

I would apologize for the misunderstanding, say you are going to try to find another couple to go and pay for their half, sorry to have to cancel -and then I'd go alone and enjoy the privacy with my family.
I'd never expect a friend to pay for my vacation. Sheesh.

This is what I would do, too.

I would do the part in bold. It would just be very awkward for all involved if they did go with you, since they aren't paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five months ago, we asked friends who live in New Jersey if they wanted to rent a house with us in OBX next week. They were excited, said yes, so I sent them the link of a house we liked. Emailed, and asked them to see if it worked, in terms of accomodations, location, and cost. They wrote back, and said, "Yes! Move forward."

So we did. I paid the lease for the house, and sent them a note about their portion. Received nothing back.

We are all set to go, and my husband requested that I remind them once more about their portion. I gave my friend a call, and she was upset. Assumed we had invited them, not asking that they contribute. They don't plan on going if they have to pay.

I am VERY sure there could not have been confusion or miscommunication. But maybe? These are good friends.

It's a mess. An expensive mess for us.

After this, I don't see how your friends could have assumed they weren't paying. If you hadn't asked this, then maybe... (though still a long shot). But you asked them to pay, and they ignored you. They are clearly lying about assuming they were invited as guests.

[Anonymous]

The message would be clear to a thoughtful and perceptive reader... but alas many friends do not fall into that category. Best to spell it out - maybe use pictures.

[Anonymous]

the guests are totally weaseling out of this.

Any half way socially competent person would read this email (which i think is clear to begin with) and DEFAULT to thinking, "we are splitting the cost".
Who in the world would assume that their friends (peers) are sponsoring the entire week simply because they did not itemize the budget in the email?

I think posters who are in disagreement are either 1) disagreeing just to stir the pot or 2) clueless when it comes to social norms.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Thanks for all of the responses. A bit of context might be helpful. My friend and I aren't foreign to this sort of communication. In grad school, our group would nominate someone to pick a condo before ski trips, send a potential rental with the lease, and we would all say yay or nay. And then we all figured out our share, and stroked a check to the person who secured the condo. Food and drink were always handled easily, without anyone offering receipts unless it was a huge purchase. It all seemed to work out without lots of talk of money.

So I was working under the assumption that this was the case here. I spoke again with my friend tonight. She is embarrassed and admits that she didn't read the emails carefully. But also insists that they can't make the trip if we are indeed splitting the cost of the house. She said something to the affect of "You guys are making lots of money now, I just thought you were inviting us to join you on a vacation you would have done with or without us." She assumes to much about us!

So that's where it is. SOMETHING is going on with her, and I can't get a great read right now. (We were both trying to get kids down and clean up dinner while on the phone.)

I am not a drama person. I am going to suck it up, and treat the week as a chance to reconnect with her and find out what is going on. Try to minimize her embarassment, and convince them that they are welcome regardless of what they can contribute.

Of course, my husband is now convinced her husband is a "dickhead." So that should be interesting.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. You are a better person than me, I can tell you that.

[Anonymous]

I am curious, OP: Have you ever treated them to a vacation before, or been treated by them? Perhaps they think you're on an exchange of who pays each year?

I'm genuinely trying to understand this misunderstanding, if that's indeed what it is. Just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, although I am failing to see where that can be done!

[Anonymous]

I think it is a really bad idea to go with them, given the bad feeling that this situation would obviously create. You should just say that you found someone else to take over their half and just go with your family. You will have a much better time that way.

[Anonymous]

OP: Your husband is right about hers. Regardless of how it came about, my DH would sooner take his own spleen out with a spork than take advantage of someone in this manner.

You're a nice person to just try to make it right, but I'm afraid it may ruin your vacation--although I hope it doesn't. May I recommend a case or two of good wine?

[Anonymous]

My brother treated us to a beach house for a week last year. And he made it very clear that it was free for us. You did nothing wrong. Either your friend is lying or she is kinda dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your husband is right about hers. Regardless of how it came about, my DH would sooner take his own spleen out with a spork than take advantage of someone in this manner.You're a nice person to just try to make it right, but I'm afraid it may ruin your vacation--although I hope it doesn't. May I recommend a case or two of good wine?

OP again. This made me laugh out loud, and pretty much captures my husband's approach to these things. He is trying to focus on a much needed vacation, and not get too caught up in the details, as shitty as they have become.

I have thought about suggesting the other family just bow out, allowing them to save face gracefully, and invite my parents and neighbors. My parents would chip in, and I would make if very clear to the neighbors that this was our treat.

And there will be wine involved, regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks for all of the responses. A bit of context might be helpful. My friend and I aren't foreign to this sort of communication. In grad school, our group would nominate someone to pick a condo before ski trips, send a potential rental with the lease, and we would all say yay or nay. And then we all figured out our share, and stroked a check to the person who secured the condo. Food and drink were always handled easily, without anyone offering receipts unless it was a huge purchase. It all seemed to work out without lots of talk of money.

So I was working under the assumption that this was the case here. I spoke again with my friend tonight. She is embarrassed and admits that she didn't read the emails carefully. But also insists that they can't make the trip if we are indeed splitting the cost of the house. She said something to the affect of "You guys are making lots of money now, I just thought you were inviting us to join you on a vacation you would have done with or without us." She assumes to much about us!

So that's where it is. SOMETHING is going on with her, and I can't get a great read right now. (We were both trying to get kids down and clean up dinner while on the phone.)

Sorry, but anything to that effect would make me incredibly upset.

I agree with the PP that your husband is right. There is no way I'd want this person in my life anymore - to prevent any more drama! Drama or not - she and her husband sound obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your husband is right about hers. Regardless of how it came about, my DH would sooner take his own spleen out with a spork than take advantage of someone in this manner.You're a nice person to just try to make it right, but I'm afraid it may ruin your vacation--although I hope it doesn't. May I recommend a case or two of good wine?

OP again. This made me laugh out loud, and pretty much captures my husband's approach to these things. He is trying to focus on a much needed vacation, and not get too caught up in the details, as shitty as they have become.

I have thought about suggesting the other family just bow out, allowing them to save face gracefully, and invite my parents and neighbors. My parents would chip in, and I would make if very clear to the neighbors that this was our treat.

And there will be wine involved, regardless.

Honestly, I think this would be the best solution. I can't imagine how awkward the vacation would be if you went with this family. Who wants to go on a vacation that is both expensive and uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
What you have posted is not clear. Did you send another email with the exact amount and not hear back? Did you at any point clearly state, let's split the cost of the rental? You offered to cover insurance and the balance, perhaps they thought the balance was everything and all you expected them to pay was extra for renting incidentals? It is definitely not clear, I can see how a quick read would lead your friends to think it was an invite with a request to chip in for some but not half. Yikes!

The email is very clear. You have to be pretty dense not to understand the meaning of that email along with an attached lease to review.