Friends don't want to pay for beach house, and think it was my fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have other friends or family who could pay and take the place of your NJ friends? If so, then you might want to explain to the NJ friends that you're really sorry if there was a miscommunication but that you cannot afford to pay the whole cost of the rental, and give them the chance to either pay their share or happily give their place to someone else. I agree with the PP who asked about the exact wording of your e-mails, but unless you're rich, I can't imagine why friends of yours would think you were treating them to a week's stay in the OBX.

This is what I'd go with. Just say you can't afford an entire rental, and that you need to find someone who can chip in. That's more than fair.

[Anonymous]

That is not clear at all to be honest. Did you at any point say "the cost to each family will be $x". It seems like you are asking them to pay for incidentals and extras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not clear at all to be honest. Did you at any point say "the cost to each family will be $x". It seems like you are asking them to pay for incidentals and extras.

on what planet is that not clear? Seriously??? (I'm not the OP).
She talked about settling up, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for it depends on how things were worded.

We have had friends say they wanted to "take us out to dinner" as a thank you for something we did and at said dinner they offered to buy us a drink or desserts, but expected us to pay our way for everything else. (We did). A good friend from college asked me to be a bridesmaid years ago I had no idea that really meant I was supposed to spend over $1500 between the dress, shoes, throwing the bridal shower, gifts, travel, hotel, etc). It would have been nice if she spelled out the expectations and expenses instead of assuming I knew all that was entailed. From talking to her it sounded like all I needed was a dress and she would make sure she chose something off the rack (didn't happen that way...but I digress...)

If someone said "We are renting a beach house..do you want to join us?" I might think they were paying. If they asked to rent a beach house together with us and asked us what price range worked for us it would be clear.

Would you really think they were offering you a free week-long vacation? Wouldn't you think, "that is awfully generous. I had better make sure they really mean to treat us." Even if i absolutely knew for sure we were being asked to go for free, I would be falling all over myself asking what we could pay for - buy all the groceries, etc.
Op, we rent a house with another family every summer. We talk about the price range upfront. Their family is twice the size of ours, bt we always split it down the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

At the end of the email, I wrote this. . .

"Please review the attached lease. It includes the fees and phone number if you want to rent sheets or a highchair. I will go ahead and pay the balance just to ensure we reserve it. We are going to pay for insurance in case of bad weather, and we will cover that. We can settle up later. Really looking forward to having our families spend time together! It has been way too long since we had a proper visit together."

I can't imagine what wasn't clear about that.

I would expect that I would be paying for half of the cost (plus any extras that I needed), you would be paying for half + insurance. I'm not sure of how they thought you were paying for it all if this was in the email.

[Anonymous]

OP,
What you have posted is not clear. Did you send another email with the exact amount and not hear back? Did you at any point clearly state, let's split the cost of the rental? You offered to cover insurance and the balance, perhaps they thought the balance was everything and all you expected them to pay was extra for renting incidentals? It is definitely not clear, I can see how a quick read would lead your friends to think it was an invite with a request to chip in for some but not half. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

OP, your email was reasonably clear. I don't think there's any way they can come on this vacation, not pay their own way and expect to have a nice time. If I were your friend I would not be able to come on a vacation on your dime (when that wasn't the expectation) and still enjoy myself. It would be tense as hell. And frankly, I think it's going to be tense no matter the outcome. I think you 1) check with the broker on the status of this particular house, 2) if it's no longer rentable because of the hurricane perhaps ask for a smaller, less expensive house and get some money back, 3) go on this vacation with just your family. I'm sorry OP...I guessing this is causing stress with your husband too since I'm sure he's not happy at the prospect of paying twice what you anticipated. Eeek

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not clear at all to be honest. Did you at any point say "the cost to each family will be $x". It seems like you are asking them to pay for incidentals and extras.

on what planet is that not clear? Seriously??? (I'm not the OP).
She talked about settling up, etc.

Not the OP either, and this:

" I will go ahead and pay the balance just to ensure we reserve it. We are going to pay for insurance in case of bad weather, and we will cover that. We can settle up later."

is totally unambiguous. Completely. OP, unless there's somethign else in the e-mail that contradicts this, I think they're being weasels. I would point out this passage to them, and ask that they cover their half. If not, I would tell them that you need to find someone who can split this with you, and you won't be able to have them come after all. And I'd definitely reconsider the friendship.

Was this sent to both of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
What you have posted is not clear. Did you send another email with the exact amount and not hear back? Did you at any point clearly state, let's split the cost of the rental? You offered to cover insurance and the balance, perhaps they thought the balance was everything and all you expected them to pay was extra for renting incidentals? It is definitely not clear, I can see how a quick read would lead your friends to think it was an invite with a request to chip in for some but not half. Yikes!

Because she didn't give them a total, it's unclear? That's nuts.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

Please excuse my obsessing about this. I just shared the responses with my husband, and we both think that maybe our friends just gave a cursory read of the email, and didn't actually open the attachment. I agree, friendships should not end over money.

We have the money, as we paid for it. But we anticipated being reimbursed, and frankly, we are going to have to re-adjust our family fall budget without the 3K.

I just need to put it behind me, so that I can enjoy their company and not be a stick in the mud. And we are going to invite our neighbors, and not worry about checking in with the other family! (Normally, I wouldn't invite others if sharing a house unless I checked with the others, but now that we own the house, I am going to do whatever I want. I am small like that.)

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters that say you were clear from the beginning. I'm just curious: Have your friend encountered any financial problems recently? Because it really does sound like they are backpedaling here. (Not that financial problems would excuse this -- just explain it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for it depends on how things were worded.

We have had friends say they wanted to "take us out to dinner" as a thank you for something we did and at said dinner they offered to buy us a drink or desserts, but expected us to pay our way for everything else. (We did). A good friend from college asked me to be a bridesmaid years ago I had no idea that really meant I was supposed to spend over $1500 between the dress, shoes, throwing the bridal shower, gifts, travel, hotel, etc). It would have been nice if she spelled out the expectations and expenses instead of assuming I knew all that was entailed. From talking to her it sounded like all I needed was a dress and she would make sure she chose something off the rack (didn't happen that way...but I digress...)

If someone said "We are renting a beach house..do you want to join us?" I might think they were paying. If they asked to rent a beach house together with us and asked us what price range worked for us it would be clear.

Would you really think they were offering you a free week-long vacation? Wouldn't you think, "that is awfully generous. I had better make sure they really mean to treat us." Even if i absolutely knew for sure we were being asked to go for free, I would be falling all over myself asking what we could pay for - buy all the groceries, etc.
Op, we rent a house with another family every summer. We talk about the price range upfront. Their family is twice the size of ours, bt we always split it down the middle.

We have done some very generous things for friends when our financial situation was better so yeah it would not shock me to get a week long invitation to the beach. I took one friend's kids for a week while they went on vacation on their own.

I think the issue is wording and context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

Please excuse my obsessing about this. I just shared the responses with my husband, and we both think that maybe our friends just gave a cursory read of the email, and didn't actually open the attachment. I agree, friendships should not end over money.

We have the money, as we paid for it. But we anticipated being reimbursed, and frankly, we are going to have to re-adjust our family fall budget without the 3K.

I just need to put it behind me, so that I can enjoy their company and not be a stick in the mud. And we are going to invite our neighbors, and not worry about checking in with the other family! (Normally, I wouldn't invite others if sharing a house unless I checked with the others, but now that we own the house, I am going to do whatever I want. I am small like that.)

OP, I agree that friendships shouldn't end over money - but they can end when one party takes advantage of another party, including when money is involved. If you just ignore this, you're a bigger person than I am.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your plan is a good one. No way the NJ family could come on this trip and it be enjoyable for all...I imagine lots of stress and tense moments. And your idea of inviting your neighbors is great...maybe this is how it was meant to work out. You'll end up developing better relationships with your neighbors--people who are involved in your life on a daily basis. The NJ family, while friends, aren't local. I hope they can come with you!

[Anonymous]

I agree OP's email was clear.