if you stay at home with kids (mom or dad), is cleaning one of your "jobs"?

[Anonymous]

To me, being a SAHM is more than being a nanny. Lots more - so that includes the house.

Still I think the OP has minor time management issues and isn't lazy. This problem can be solved with planning and communication.

[Anonymous]

I will clean, but I will not declutter. That's EVERYONE's job here. I didn't put the crap there, so I'm not putting it away!!

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you do plenty and I agree with the PP who said what else is going on here? I am a SAHM of 3 (one is under 3mo, so I guess I get "cut some slack" for that) and I do the things you say you do also, but clean folded laundry definitely sits in baskets at our house too. I do not cook full dinners every night either; we cook on the weekends and have our meals for the week from that, so I do prep but it's mostly portioning and reheating and cutting up fruit. We are out and about most mornings because the kids have a much better day if they get some social interaction. I don't fault you at all for taking them out to do fun things -- to me that's part of the job of a SAH parent.

I agree with the other PP who said to nip this fight in the bud by straightening up, whatever it is that sets your DH off, just before he gets home. I have my kids clean up their toys and books each afternoon at 5:30, then they get to watch a show. While they are doing that, I do dishes, prep dinner, and try to make everything look as nice as possible. Cleaning up after little kids is a neverending, thankless job, and is my least favorite part of staying home, but it makes me feel better to have things neat for the next day even if we are going to have to do it all again.

Complaining that clean, folded laundry hasn't been put away, though ... that sounds overly anal to me too. Ignore the rude PPs. They sound like they would be bashing SAHMs no matter what they did or didn't do.

[Anonymous]

"Still I think the OP has minor time management issues and isn't lazy. This problem can be solved with planning and communication. "

Really? OP seems quite lazy and defensive.

[Anonymous]

Because the SAHP isn't the only member of the household. The working parent Also creates laundry and dishes and messes and is part of the household, not the employer. The working parent is occupied during the day with and the stay at home parent is busy dealing with the kids and their messes. Each should pitch in because it is a FAMILY and a shared household.

[Anonymous]

I figured out some time ago that the only way to keep your home spotless is to ignore the kids. Some days I do just that. Other days I take them to the playground or to meet friends and the house is messy. The few times I have done both successfully I have been up ironing until 10 p.m.

OP, Do exactly what your husband wants. He will quickly see a change in your kids. Then explain why they are so restless.

[Anonymous]

"The working parent is occupied during the day with and the stay at home parent is busy dealing with the kids and their messes. "

How much time does it take to deal with the kids and their messes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will clean, but I will not declutter. That's EVERYONE's job here. I didn't put the crap there, so I'm not putting it away!!

Excellent advice. I am now going to leave toys all over until my 3 yo is old enough to put it away herself.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you've gotten some good advice and I want to throw out there that I truly think a lot of the "fat lazy" comments were from trolls. Don't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The working parent is occupied during the day with and the stay at home parent is busy dealing with the kids and their messes. "

How much time does it take to deal with the kids and their messes?

For me, time isn't even the issue. If my 4 year old makes a mess, we clean it up. I take care of the dishes we make during the day and our crap. If I feel up to it or have time,nmay e I will pick up my husband's dry cleaning. However, those are his clothes so those are his responsibility.

I am not sure why stay at home parenting translates to full time housekeeper for some of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you've gotten some good advice and I want to throw out there that I truly think a lot of the "fat lazy" comments were from trolls. Don't listen.

...or people calling it as they see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why stay at home parenting translates to full time housekeeper for some of you.

probably the same reason that working husband translates in to sole income.

he's doing his part, you should be doing yours.

[Anonymous]

probably the same reason that working husband translates in to sole income.

he's doing his part, you should be doing yours

Zing!

[Anonymous]

I think the thing I did not think about when I WOH was that when you SAH with young kids, there is CONSTANT mess-making going on in the house.

A good reason to get the kids outside, to the pool, whatever is because that is several hours fewer they have to create messes inside.

Yes, once they're 2+ they can kind of learn to pick up after themselves. But chances are this picking up would not be up to a meticulous housekeeper's (or husband's!) standards.

I explained to my DH that it's not that I don't clean during the days. Some days I feel like I'm doing nothing but. And unfortunately, my 1.5 year old is great at entertaining herself, but often it will be because she managed to stand on tiptoes, get a pen that DH left on the table, and draw all over a wall in the space of time that I was rinsing off the breakfast dishes and putting them in the dishwasher (an amazing invention, incidentally-- my SAH grandma w/ 5 kids didn't have that). So at certain ages, you can't say "let the kids play nicely by themselves using their imagination while you clean" because it's exchanging one mess for another, which is the part of SAH that makes you throw your hands in the air and think, "Did I shave my legs (or get an advanced degree) for this?"

I do try to keep things clean because it's something I can do in my downtime and DH can't when he's at work, and because we both prefer living in a clean house. Like a PP, the 10-20 mins. before DH gets home are reserved for "clean-up." Things that help: wet surface wipes. Storage bins for EVERYTHING. And various machinery-- a bread machine, a slow cookers-- to make meal prep easy and make the house smell nice. And I go somewhere on Sundays (after cleaning the house on Saturdays) to give DH an idea of what it's all about (and me some perspective on what it feels like to arrive home and find marker all over the walls).

Oh, and if my DH ever compared me with someone else, I would be furious. Because we never know what's going on inside someone else's house, what their kids or marriage is like, whatever... I would never ask him why he doesn't make more $$$, like a neighbor, or compare him unfavorably to friends' husbands who help more around the house or train for marathons and are in tip-top condition or whatever...it's irrelevant to your marriage and your circumstances. No matter what your housekeeping looks like-- even if you're lazy like me and prefer to DCUM while the kids are napping-- I think doing that put him in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing I did not think about when I WOH was that when you SAH with young kids, there is CONSTANT mess-making going on in the house.

A good reason to get the kids outside, to the pool, whatever is because that is several hours fewer they have to create messes inside.

Yes, once they're 2+ they can kind of learn to pick up after themselves. But chances are this picking up would not be up to a meticulous housekeeper's (or husband's!) standards.

I explained to my DH that it's not that I don't clean during the days. Some days I feel like I'm doing nothing but. And unfortunately, my 1.5 year old is great at entertaining herself, but often it will be because she managed to stand on tiptoes, get a pen that DH left on the table, and draw all over a wall in the space of time that I was rinsing off the breakfast dishes and putting them in the dishwasher (an amazing invention, incidentally-- my SAH grandma w/ 5 kids didn't have that). So at certain ages, you can't say "let the kids play nicely by themselves using their imagination while you clean" because it's exchanging one mess for another, which is the part of SAH that makes you throw your hands in the air and think, "Did I shave my legs (or get an advanced degree) for this?"

I do try to keep things clean because it's something I can do in my downtime and DH can't when he's at work, and because we both prefer living in a clean house. Like a PP, the 10-20 mins. before DH gets home are reserved for "clean-up." Things that help: wet surface wipes. Storage bins for EVERYTHING. And various machinery-- a bread machine, a slow cookers-- to make meal prep easy and make the house smell nice. And I go somewhere on Sundays (after cleaning the house on Saturdays) to give DH an idea of what it's all about (and me some perspective on what it feels like to arrive home and find marker all over the walls).

Oh, and if my DH ever compared me with someone else, I would be furious. Because we never know what's going on inside someone else's house, what their kids or marriage is like, whatever... I would never ask him why he doesn't make more $$$, like a neighbor, or compare him unfavorably to friends' husbands who help more around the house or train for marathons and are in tip-top condition or whatever...it's irrelevant to your marriage and your circumstances. No matter what your housekeeping looks like-- even if you're lazy like me and prefer to DCUM while the kids are napping-- I think doing that put him in the wrong.

This is the most reasonable response so far.