if you stay at home with kids (mom or dad), is cleaning one of your "jobs"?

[Anonymous]

Out of the blue yesterday, DH blows his stack about the state of the house. He feels it is too "messy", and while it is never dirty, it IS cluttered (we have a 4.5 and a 1 yo and an active husky). He thinks that since I SAH with the kids that I should also be cleaning non-stop or something. I try to pick up as much as I can, and I also do laundry, dishes, etc, but I expect him to do that stuff as well, especially on the weekends. During the week when he's working, I am too...it's just not in an office. Between playdates, swimming classes, going to parks and playgrounds, etc, I just don't have a lot of time, energy, or frankly, desire, to do mundane housework. We have a housecleaner who comes 2x a month, and up until yesterday, I thought he was fine with that. Now he's upset that I don't keep a perfect house, like the wife of friends of ours. He even brought her up during the freak-out, like I should aspire to be like her. She not only does what I do, but cooks full dinners every night, does the dishes, laundry, and everything else (I wouldn't say she goes so far as to meet her DH at the door in nothing but an apron and a martini, but perhaps *my* DH thinks so...). I actually have often wondered how she does it, and am impressed...but I cannot find the time. I do not feel like I need to change my schedule around-and if I did, I would be short-changing the kids, who would have to amuse themselves while I did all that work (am I just not efficient? I don't know...). And it will only get worse as they get older and we have sports practices, etc. I offered to have the cleaners come more often (we have the $$), or even get a daily housekeeper, but he thinks *I* should be doing it, as I SAH. AND he doesn't think he should have to be doing anything at all, even on the weekends. That's his time to relax and hang out with the kids. He does work very hard during the week, and sometimes on the weekends, but...NO responsibilities in the house?

So who is in the wrong here? Should I be doing these things? Again, this was out of the blue, but judging from how completely he freaked out about it, it's been in the back of his mind for a while...and I am uncomfortable that he seems to be longing for this antiquated notion of a housewife. I am a mom with two active kids, not June Cleaver, dammit!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I'm with your DH on this one.

When I was a SAHM, keeping the house clean was something that came with it, clutter included.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Dh doesn't expect me to do anything but take care of ds.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM you absolutely should be doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Cut the crap with the play groups, and all the other pretentios keeling up with Mrs. jones crap, and do your duty. If he's busting his ass to support you and your frivolities, it's the least you can do.

How about you use the weekends as an opportunity for him to spend time with the kids, and for you to clean the damn house...it's a win-win.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post, except my husband does help with the cleaning since he likes it cleaner then me. I am just too tired after chasing the kids around all day, and maybe we have the same friend because I can't imagine there are a ton of women in this area doing what she does! I don't know how she gets the energy, and her kids watch tv the whole time she is cleaning and cooking

[Anonymous]

Pp here, I have squashed this fight by taking 10 minutes before he gets home and straightening up, the kids help and we have made it a game with baskets etc. It is nicer having less mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM you absolutely should be doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Cut the crap with the play groups, and all the other pretentios keeling up with Mrs. jones crap, and do your duty. If he's busting his ass to support you and your frivolities, it's the least you can do.

How about you use the weekends as an opportunity for him to spend time with the kids, and for you to clean the damn house...it's a win-win.

Ditto. OP sounds lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I just don't have a lot of time, energy, or frankly, desire, to do mundane housework.

Who, exactly, do you think does have time, energy, and desire to do mundane housework? And expecting your kids to amuse themselves is not short-changing them by any stretch of the imagination. Even better than giving them paper and crayons to entertain themselves while you straighten up would be getting them involved and starting to teach them to take care of themselves.

Another vote with your dh.

[Anonymous]

"I do not feel like I need to change my schedule around-and if I did, I would be short-changing the kids, who would have to amuse themselves while I did all that work (am I just not efficient? I don't know...). "

Oh, my God! Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

My wife is currently a SAHM with a 10 and 14 year old. The last couple of years when she homeschooled, I had to have someone come in and clean 3 times a week. It was asking too much of her. Now that they're back in school, she does the cleaning buy may have someone come in one day every other week.

You should be doing some cleaning, but he should not expec the place to be squeaky clean. SAHM is a FULL TIME non paying job. Tell him to go listen to the KANE show from today..lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ditto. OP sounds lazy.

Exactly, if the roles in the home were reversed, the expectation would be the same. But due to the fact that women can't earn even close to what men earn, makes the role reversal an impossibility, so OP, you might as well accept your place in life, and stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

"I am just too tired after chasing the kids around all day,"

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

It is ok for your children to amuse themselves while you put dinner in the oven. Or while you wipe down a counter. Watching TV isnt the only way they can amuse themselves--they can (and should be able to) play alone while you do things.

Honestly, ask the woman how she does it. I have discovered that asking people how they manage to do something always teaches me something I don't know. Some people cook full dinners by prepping all of their veggies for the week on Sunday. Some people have de-cluttering systems. Some people have cute ways they get their kids involved in stuff like wiping down the coffee table with a wipe. Some people have a regularly scheduled cleaning lady they just dont mention, or they get dinner delivery or other services... Or they take their kids Ritalin to be able to accomplish so much in a day, but that is another story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Dh doesn't expect me to do anything but take care of ds.

This is me and just wanted to add that when I worked, and we had a nanny, we didn't expect her to clean the house either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM you absolutely should be doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Cut the crap with the play groups, and all the other pretentios keeling up with Mrs. jones crap, and do your duty. If he's busting his ass to support you and your frivolities, it's the least you can do.

How about you use the weekends as an opportunity for him to spend time with the kids, and for you to clean the damn house...it's a win-win.

OK, I'm OP, and I don't get comments like this one. Why should the kids have to suffer just so the house is spotless? And what other "pretentious keeping up with the Joneses" stuff did I talk about? And lastly, what frivolities? It's not like I'm off getting my hair and nails done instead of cleaning-my days are just very full with my kids. We are out of the house a lot, especially during summer, and I am with the kids, not sitting on my ass watching soaps in my nightgown. If you could expand on how taking kids to the pool and playing with other kids to build social skills is "pretentious" or "frivolous", I'd love to hear it!