if you stay at home with kids (mom or dad), is cleaning one of your "jobs"?

[Anonymous]

OP here: I think this is getting a little out of hand. I wanted to see if SAHP felt that cleaning should be part of the job description, and clearly that answer is yes. So I will have a long talk with DH about it tonight, when he is not (hopefully) mad, and see exactly what he expects to be done around the house. I cannot be like the woman he compared me to during our fight, I just am not that organized or skilled in the kitchen. However, I concede, after reading the smattering of helpful posts in a lot of angry ones, that I can do more, and plan to. I think I was still a little raw this morning when I posted; it really hurt that he compared me to our friend, since we have both in the past remarked that our family would never be "perfect" like hers. And now it seems like he wants that, which is shaking me.

To the pps who asked about the relationship with DH...it has been fine, up until now. In fact, like I said, he has NEVER mentioned housework until yesterday, when he got angry about it. I literally had no idea seeing clothes in a hamper bothered him. I still don't think it's fair for me to be expected to do 100% of the housework, but I can certainly give a little.

Thanks to those who responded helpfully, and to those who are going to say get off and clean-my house is clean, landry is done and folded, and the kids are napping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I think this is getting a little out of hand. I wanted to see if SAHP felt that cleaning should be part of the job description, and clearly that answer is yes. So I will have a long talk with DH about it tonight, when he is not (hopefully) mad, and see exactly what he expects to be done around the house. I cannot be like the woman he compared me to during our fight, I just am not that organized or skilled in the kitchen. However, I concede, after reading the smattering of helpful posts in a lot of angry ones, that I can do more, and plan to. I think I was still a little raw this morning when I posted; it really hurt that he compared me to our friend, since we have both in the past remarked that our family would never be "perfect" like hers. And now it seems like he wants that, which is shaking me.

To the pps who asked about the relationship with DH...it has been fine, up until now. In fact, like I said, he has NEVER mentioned housework until yesterday, when he got angry about it. I literally had no idea seeing clothes in a hamper bothered him. I still don't think it's fair for me to be expected to do 100% of the housework, but I can certainly give a little.

Thanks to those who responded helpfully, and to those who are going to say get off and clean-my house is clean, landry is done and folded, and the kids are napping.

I think your husband is mad because you spend way too much time seeking help on the internet, and far too little time making things right at home. no wonder he's mad....because when the shit hits the fan, you run for the keyboard.

It makes one wonder where he's running to...maybe the cute dangerously under aged girl behind the counter at starbucks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you do plenty and I agree with the PP who said what else is going on here? I am a SAHM of 3 (one is under 3mo, so I guess I get "cut some slack" for that) and I do the things you say you do also, but clean folded laundry definitely sits in baskets at our house too. I do not cook full dinners every night either; we cook on the weekends and have our meals for the week from that, so I do prep but it's mostly portioning and reheating and cutting up fruit. We are out and about most mornings because the kids have a much better day if they get some social interaction. I don't fault you at all for taking them out to do fun things -- to me that's part of the job of a SAH parent.

I agree with the other PP who said to nip this fight in the bud by straightening up, whatever it is that sets your DH off, just before he gets home. I have my kids clean up their toys and books each afternoon at 5:30, then they get to watch a show. While they are doing that, I do dishes, prep dinner, and try to make everything look as nice as possible. Cleaning up after little kids is a neverending, thankless job, and is my least favorite part of staying home, but it makes me feel better to have things neat for the next day even if we are going to have to do it all again.

Complaining that clean, folded laundry hasn't been put away, though ... that sounds overly anal to me too. Ignore the rude PPs. They sound like they would be bashing SAHMs no matter what they did or didn't do.

I'm team this.

[Anonymous]

I suggest www.flylady.net, the presentation can be annoying, but the process is pretty good.

Also, keep in mind that if it came out of the blue, maybe he was annoyed about something else and let it come out inappropriatly last night. He might not actually care as much as it sounded like. Maybe he had a bad day at work. I can happen to the best of us.

[Anonymous]

OP: I didn't read all the responses, but I just want you know that you should feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home AND have bi-weekly cleaning service. I work full-time and I am still expected to do ALL the house cleaning/chores if I want my house to be decent looking. I also do all my husband's laundry, etc. and 90% of the cooking. Also have 3 kids (two are toddlers) and two dogs that shed constantly. I am sorry, but you have little room to complain.

Prioritization is key, along with determining what is important to both you and your family. I know raising kids and taking care of house/family is also a full-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I didn't read all the responses, but I just want you know that you should feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home AND have bi-weekly cleaning service. I work full-time and I am still expected to do ALL the house cleaning/chores if I want my house to be decent looking. I also do all my husband's laundry, etc. and 90% of the cooking. Also have 3 kids (two are toddlers) and two dogs that shed constantly. I am sorry, but you have little room to complain.

Prioritization is key, along with determining what is important to both you and your family. I know raising kids and taking care of house/family is also a full-time job.

My question to you is WHY do your do your husband's laundry?!?!

[Anonymous]

hmmm, i would say a dirty cluttered house comes along with a dog and kids. It's just the way it goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think your husband is mad because you spend way too much time seeking help on the internet, and far too little time making things right at home. no wonder he's mad....because when the shit hits the fan, you run for the keyboard.

It makes one wonder where he's running to...maybe the cute dangerously under aged girl behind the counter at starbucks?

argh! some ppl on this board are such a-holes!

[Anonymous]

I think that anybody who is on this forum, castigating other people for posting here rather than working (whether cleaning or whatever) is like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black.

Most great jobs have some downtime.

P.S. Where are the partners of SAHDs in this discussion? Sexist as it is, I always felt like that must kind of suck because I couldn't imagine a father who wouldn't have the house in shambles by the end of the day...

[Anonymous]

OP, have DH take care of the kids one day on the weekend, as well as all of normal chores, and see what he thinks is an acceptable amount of clean and clutter-free. Oh, and have him do a load of laundry, fold, and put away while you are at it. You, OTOH, spend the day looking for a part-time job. Brush up your resume (not at home, at the library or somewhere else), and come home when DH normally comes home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have DH take care of the kids one day on the weekend, as well as all of normal chores, and see what he thinks is an acceptable amount of clean and clutter-free. Oh, and have him do a load of laundry, fold, and put away while you are at it. You, OTOH, spend the day looking for a part-time job. Brush up your resume (not at home, at the library or somewhere else), and come home when DH normally comes home.

my guess is that she couldn't hack actual work, she can't even handle laundry and cleaning for christs sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have DH take care of the kids one day on the weekend, as well as all of normal chores, and see what he thinks is an acceptable amount of clean and clutter-free. Oh, and have him do a load of laundry, fold, and put away while you are at it. You, OTOH, spend the day looking for a part-time job. Brush up your resume (not at home, at the library or somewhere else), and come home when DH normally comes home.

my guess is that she couldn't hack actual work, she can't even handle laundry and cleaning for christs sake.

I don't usually say things like this but your judgement of the OP (when you do not even know her) makes you look bitter and insecure with your own situation. The kind of statements you are making towards her do not make you better than her -- they simply make you mean. Do you appreciate when SAHMs make comments akin to "Do you enjoy having someone else raise your children?"

People...lay off the OP and spend some more time reflecting on why you spew such hatred.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about the venom directed to OP here. OP - it sounds like maybe your DH had a bad day. I think that comparing you to somebody else is a pretty hurtful thing to do. And let's face it, you can't judge a family or marriage by how clean/uncluttered the house is. Trust me on that.

Signed,

Mom of 3 young kids with a VERY VERY clean, organized house and not a perfect marriage

[Anonymous]

I too am surprised by some of these posts. At this point, when OP has admitted she needs to do some more work, any further rudeness is just showing you to be insecure, unhappy, and petty.

[Anonymous]

In you situation, I would try and find a block of time when you can both write down your priorities for household tasks (for me it is having a decent dinner). Then talk about how you can both use your time to make sure that those priority tasks get done. Maybe you are using your time to complete tasks that actually aren't that important to either of you. Maybe DH could do a few more tasks that would help everything run more smoothly.