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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Husband doesn't want kids; but I do
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Anonymous
| OP, this is something that you should not compromise on. If, after counseling, your husband still does not want children, then you owe it to each other to divorce. It's only fair to both of you. He shouldn't have to always worry that he's disappointed you, and you shouldn't have to carry around buried resentment. Think about this: if, 5 years ago, he told you that he didn't want children, would you have continued to date him? Would you have married him? |
Anonymous
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after 7 years of marriage, friend's ex told her (when she was 35) that he didn't want kids and had doubts about the whole marriage, family, etc thing. Soon they divorced (although he wasn't exactly trying to keep her around, unlike OP's husband) and within a year he was remarried and had a baby on the way. I suspect he was having an affair before the divorce and he used the no kid thing as a way to end it, since he knew how much my friend was ready to start a family and he didn't have the guts or integrity to be honest about it.
Not saying OP's husband is having an affair, just sayin that if a man says "no kids" probably best not to wait too long trying to figure out why. Cut your losses and move on. At 34 you have time, but you have to be serious about it if you want kids. So sorry you're in this situation, it really sucks. But if you want kids, please don't stay with the guy and give up that, since it is a wound that will probably not heal. |
Anonymous
| PP of the above post here. Also, I have a female friend who was married for 10 plus years, and never wanted kids, which her husband always wanted. They eventually divorced, although not for that reason (at least, not on the surface, as she left him). Fast forward three years she is remarried with a baby. She genuinely thought she didn't want kids, but in a different relationship, she felt differently. |
Anonymous
I hope not. I had my first child at 39. |
Anonymous
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Lots of good replies here. I wouldn't necessarily assume that he bait-and-switched you, more that after a lot of thought, he changed his mind or just isn't sure. Unfortunately people do have the right to do that, even though it sucks.
A few things to consider: since the circumstances of this child would be very different, you might need to work harder to point that out. You might say that you are ok with having only one child. It is possible to be a lot more spontaneous and have more fun with just one child. (you don't usually have to buy new cars or a bigger house, it's cheaper to purchase 3 plane tickets than 4, you're only working around one nap/school/sports schedule.) He's older now and he makes more money than he did before. If after you've discussed this and he's still firm, than yeah, you have a hard choice to make. If you really, really love him and you think there's a chance you wouldn't resent him, could you get your kid fix elsewhere? Like through a tutoring or big sister program, or weekend fostering, or being a really great aunt or godmom to someone else's kids? If you know you really, really have to have your own kids, then you probably have to leave him. Just be prepared that it is possible you won't meet anyone else and then you have to decide to do it on your own, or wait longer, or adopt. Unfortunately, quite a few of my friends are facing this choice now, as did I. (I'm a single mom - got pregnant by accident at 35. had always wanted kids, so had the baby - very much against the wishes of the dad. He is now a very devoted dad, but we are not together and I often wonder if I would have rather held out for a good marriage rather than "settling" for a baby. My daughter is wonderful but it's natural to wonder if I could have had both.) |
Anonymous
Oh, sweetie, you can have both. I don't think you've settled. You'll meet that guy. |
Anonymous
I have a friend that, also, swore she did not want kids with her first husband. in the end, she didn't want kids with HIM. She divorced, remarried several years later, and now has a baby. Definitely not saying that your DH is cheating or anything. But, this is worth considering. How strong is your marriage? (I make no opinions; just food for thought.) |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you all so much for the great posts. They bring me to tears just hearing about all the pain and heartache and even happy endings of the stories shared. In my heart of hearts I know that I will be able to see the silver lining to this whole mess when the dust settles (no matter how it is settled), but for now it's just torturous!
Here is the latest with my situation: - He has agreed to see a counselor with me to discuss his fears/reservations about having kids; we have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. - I have told him that I am willing to give this three months for him to figure it out, if he can - When he told me last Sunday that he doesn’t want to have any more kids, we were in the middle of a small argument. I learned, later that day, that he had come to this conclusion all on his own, which is not very much like him, actually. He usually talks things over with friends and family and tries to weigh all the options before making such a big decision. Don’t get me wrong, he’s sometimes impulsive and selfish (I was aware of this before I chose to marry him) but for something like this I was so surprised he hadn’t talked to any of his close friends. He said he was afraid I would get mad that I was talking about this with our friends (some of his closest are mutual). I told him, no way, please go talk to people and make sure that this is the decision you want to make because my position is pretty clear that I want to have kids (or at least ONE kid) someday. Since then he met with two of his friends and is meeting up with another one tomorrow. - NOW I’m sick with fear that these friends (all of which are guys who are in a married/committed relationship but do not have kids and I think do not want to have kids) are giving him advice to run for the hills. - I keep looking for signs one way or the other to know what’s going on in that head of his and I have nothing. He’s been pretty much exactly the same with me as he was before we ever had this conversation—and I cannot decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I can be a “glass-is-half-empty” person sometimes, but I think that is because I am a pretty trusting person but I get hurt a lot because of that. I know it’s my self-defense mechanism putting these fears into my head so I don’t get so hopeful and then crushed later; but it is hard to keep these fears at bay sometimes. |
Anonymous
| Good luck to you =) |
Anonymous
| We had our first counseling session today. He told me under no circumstances did he ever plan to have kids again ever. I guess I have my answer for that part... This so totally sucks ;( |
Anonymous
I'm sorry, OP. Really. I guess you need to decide if you love him enough to give up having kids. 
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Anonymous
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Thank you I know, but how can onw really lnow such a thong? Sometimes I think o definitely do want them, sometimes I'm not so sure.
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Anonymous
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I agree about keeping a timeframe in mind. I don't know how old you are, OP, but you need to give yourself time to find someone who does want kids and then time to try to get pregnant and have kids. This is really, really sad, but if your DH genuinely had a change of heart, then at least he's being honest with you now. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Good luck and let us know down the road what happens.
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Anonymous
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I'm so sorry OP, for what it is worth, it is a horrible choice to make. I made it and don't miss my ex at all when I see the smiling face of my little girl.
Good luck! |
Anonymous
I'm so sorry to hear that. If you can, speak with the counselor to work out your feelings about what to do next. My thoughts are with you. |