Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

I’m Latina with a double barrel maiden last name but I’ll tell you that it’s the father‘s that goes first and alphabetically what your listed as. Now that I’m married I took my husband‘s last name no more double barrel- it was obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

I’m Latina with a double barrel maiden last name but I’ll tell you that it’s the father‘s that goes first and alphabetically what your listed as. Now that I’m married I took my husband‘s last name no more double barrel- it was obnoxious.

I'm also a latina and there's no obligation to put the father's name first. I don't have to change my name regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

When you are both calm, sit down and explain to him that you also find his proposal offensive. Offensive that he would just assume you'd take his name. Offensive that he wants to continue a tradition that came about because women were basically their husband's property-- this is something a lot of men really don't comprehend. Ask why it's important to him and hear him out. And then try to find a compromise: You keep your name and he his. You hyphenate. You keep yours, he keeps his, and kids take one parent's name (or one of each).

If he insists his way is the only way, then i'm afraid that is a glimpse of what your future is like. If he cannot respect your feelings and have a conversation to find a middle ground, this may not bode well.

[Anonymous]

I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

[Anonymous]

There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

Most of us are not mentally in the middle ages like you, though. We understand nuance and cultural shifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

I love how you invoked practicality and only offered bigotry as justification and zero practical reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

With a name like this I wouldn't even wait for marriage to change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

Why would "women" care about your absurd assumptions?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a red flag. So many are on here complaining that the man they married doesn’t do work around the house, doesn’t parent the kids, won’t cook dinner. I’m guessing it starts with expecting you to have second billing in the marriage, and then rolls into expecting you to do all the “women’s work” in the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

Everything you wrote is a lie and not even remotely in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

Poor mom and her poor child. I bet they were crying for days after learning what you thought about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

I love how you invoked practicality and only offered bigotry as justification and zero practical reasons.

Pretty sure it was just a joke.