Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

Everything you wrote is a lie and not even remotely in the OP.

LOL. I don't recall you being at either hospital with me...

And, from OP: "I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

I love how you invoked practicality and only offered bigotry as justification and zero practical reasons.

As a practical matter, the word slut has a negative connotation and Epstein was a child rapist. You should look up the definition of bigotry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

Why would you think a kid with two last names didn't have two parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

Everything you wrote is a lie and not even remotely in the OP.

LOL. I don't recall you being at either hospital with me...

And, from OP: "I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense."

You just proved my point. She offered no ultimatum, dumbo, as you claimed. She offered several solutions to which he offered "no, thanks. I'm offended."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

I love how you invoked practicality and only offered bigotry as justification and zero practical reasons.

As a practical matter, the word slut has a negative connotation and Epstein was a child rapist. You should look up the definition of bigotry.

What does any of that have to do with families hyphenating names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

Everything you wrote is a lie and not even remotely in the OP.

LOL. I don't recall you being at either hospital with me...

And, from OP: "I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense."

You just proved my point. She offered no ultimatum, dumbo, as you claimed. She offered several solutions to which he offered "no, thanks. I'm offended."

I didn't prove your insufferable point. And, now she's offended. So, bravo to OP. For not getting what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are practical reasons to avoid hyphenation.

Larla Slutsky-McEpstein is a legitimate reason to legally change that surname to Smith, or whatever.

I love how you invoked practicality and only offered bigotry as justification and zero practical reasons.

As a practical matter, the word slut has a negative connotation and Epstein was a child rapist. You should look up the definition of bigotry.

What does any of that have to do with families hyphenating names?

I'm pro-hyphenation. (See what I did there)

The comment was to illustrate the extreme edge cases where not hyphenating might serve a practical purpose. Reasonable people can disagree if the absurd example I provided qualifies.

[Anonymous]

not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

She didn't choose to have her father's name, true, but it has been her name her entire life. Now she has a choice to either take her husband's name or keep the one she has had her whole life. She is choosing to keep the name she has for reasons she doesn't need to justify to anyone. Why are you so hell bent on taking choices away from women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

[Anonymous]

In the Arab world, that bastion of woke feminism, women keep their own name. Obviously everybody still makes it through life, including the patriarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

no it doesnt work that way its the other way around, think of the children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

It's not her husband's name either, it's her father in law's. The husband might as well change his father's as it doesn't matter.