Should we cancel our 4th of July party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

Wow, that's rude. I'm one of the PPs who said she must have forgot. I'm sorry that's not the case.

I'm glad you are going ahead with your own party. I would not engage with her more than basic politeness, going forward. And I would not worry for one minute what you did to make her behave this way, because there is no reasonable answer.

[Anonymous]

Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

[Anonymous]

How many people have RSVP-ed to your party?

[Anonymous]

She is a horrible narcissist, and you should not ever contact her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

So she did not acknowledge the fact that she rsvp'd for your event? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

And after you’ve hosted your bash, start going to fun places with your best friends from outside the clique. You know, the most fun ones. Go to a beer farm, a restaurant/bar with live music, etc. and casually mention it to some of the moms from the drama clique. Note: don’t send out formal invites. Instead, if you run into moms at soccer or out and about, simply say, “A bunch of us are planning to head to X on Saturday around Y. It seems like it will be fun. Feel free to join us—and feel free to pass it on. The more, the merrier!”

And have someone else post pics and tag you.

^^^
This is how you win without getting your hands dirty.

One of my friends is the one who regularly tells people where she’s heading on Saturday night (or whenever), and everyone appreciates her scouting and inclusive approach to fun. She’s been doing this since high school.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is being very nice to OP.
Some families never get invited to any parties, so they try to host parties in order to make friends and only one person shows up despite a bunch RSVPing yes. Then when I complained about that rudeness (canceling en masse 30 minutes before the party) here I was told to stop orbiting people. We can’t win.
OP sounds like she is succeeding socially and threatening this queen bee. Keep doing what you’re doing. I wish I knew how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most dignified path is just to pretend not to notice the utter rudeness, have your party and be kind and gracious even if only two people show up. People will observe your dignity & lack of drama and you will “win”. Then you can seek out other friends because who wants this kind of petty crap as an adult!

100% Agree. This is the best advice. OP, maybe you to take a step back and stop obsessing about this woman and your need for drama. Just throw a great party, have a great time, and forget about her.

Clueless. Op isn't obsessed. She knows, like a lot of us who've experienced this, how bad this can be. My entire family was excluded from so much in our neighborhood because of one very insecure awful woman.

+1. I feel bad for OP because I've also dealt with exclusion in our neighborhood because of one very insecure woman. It started with something very similar too, she scheduled a last minute birthday brunch for herself and all of the mom's in the neighborhood overlapping with my daughter's birthday party weeks after the birthday party was scheduled, and her family was invited and had already RSVPed. Then got very upset when I said that I wouldn't be able to attend because I was going to be setting up for my daughter's party. It went downhill from there, she has a a trail of friends she's burned - but somehow she maintains this queen bee status in the neighborhood. Women like that are toxic, and they are everywhere in the suburbs. OP has mad this woman mad, and if she has enough social power as the OP says she does, the other women will not defend OP. They might still be nice to her, but they absolutely will not defend her to the queen bee. OP needs to find new friends.

and what is intolerable is that they will visit this hatred and bullying upon op's kids too and no one will speak up. No one. These are very weak and sick people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

Not everyone can afford this level of ridiculousness. Also this may be op's primary friend group. Most people don't have a large group beyond their closer friends. It's nice to try to be positive but this is a lot of horse manure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

Not everyone can afford this level of ridiculousness. Also this may be op's primary friend group. Most people don't have a large group beyond their closer friends. It's nice to try to be positive but this is a lot of horse manure.

OP said she still has friends from her old neighborhood.

Scale the party to your budget, but I still think it’s worth going for it if the goal is to retain some access to the new group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

Not everyone can afford this level of ridiculousness. Also this may be op's primary friend group. Most people don't have a large group beyond their closer friends. It's nice to try to be positive but this is a lot of horse manure.

+1. OP needs to identify who her closest friend is in this group and see if she can find out what she did to make the other woman upset. Although, if she made the woman mad enough to purposely create a competing 4th of July party with largely the same invitees at the same exact time, there isn’t much she can do to salvage the relationship, especially if it’s a surface level friendship of convenience which it appears to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing Queen Bee wants to have her own party and since you didn't attend her MD party you either don't matter enough to not step on your toes, or she worries you're gaining ground to usurp her and wants to nip that in the bud. You are showing independence.

I know this sounds insane, and is, but don't under estimate the emotional baggage of the type of woman who becomes a Queen Bee as an adult.

[phone]

OP, have a fun party -- enjoy, add others to the invite, go ahead as planned.

Then afterward, start carefully extracting yourself from whatever friend group you share with this woman. People who are easily manipulated by her will are not trustworthy, decent people. They never were. You may not have noticed this character flaw in them before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not go all out and host the best 4th of July party ever?

Kona Ice truck (with top shelf liquor nearby)

Live band

Fireworks

Amazing food

And ask one of your siblings or friends outside the new neighborhood clique to post tons of heavily curated pics and tag you in them.

I might even send an amazing bouquet of flowers to her house that morning with a nice note along the lines of, “Sorry to miss your party, but I’m sure it will be a blast! Looking forward to catching up soon! Happy 4th, from the Smiths.”

Have the same gorgeous floral arrangement as your centerpiece so any crossover guests notice it.

Not everyone can afford this level of ridiculousness. Also this may be op's primary friend group. Most people don't have a large group beyond their closer friends. It's nice to try to be positive but this is a lot of horse manure.

+1. OP needs to identify who her closest friend is in this group and see if she can find out what she did to make the other woman upset. Although, if she made the woman mad enough to purposely create a competing 4th of July party with largely the same invitees at the same exact time, there isn’t much she can do to salvage the relationship, especially if it’s a surface level friendship of convenience which it appears to be.

No. Waste of time. There's never a good enough explanation. That's part of how people like this play emotional manipulation games.

[Anonymous]

Why cancel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t seem like something someone would do because you didn’t attend their party. It sounds like something else happened.

Are your kids good friends with her kids? People get weird when kid stuff happens.

Yes it does sound like it could be because of MD party. So, weeks before Memorial Day weekend, OP sent out 4th of July invites and got people, including QB, to rsvp yes. Then she proceeds to sleep QB’s party. So insecure QB is doing what she does to reclaim her territory.

If OP wanted to play by QB rules, she could have skipped QB’s party and gone to her 4th party OR gone to QB’s MD party and thrown her own 4th party. She shouldn’t have done both.

You sound like a QB yourself! OP can only host a party if she also attends the QB's party??? Grown adults can have a social life outside of their neighborhood or immediate suburb!

+1. It’s super weird to be upset about someone missing your MD party, because tons of people travel on that weekend.

We have attended many of her events and parties. Halloween, New Years etc.

We’ve hosted birthday parties but never a holiday and felt like we should since we’re one of the few people with the large patio and pool. Our living space is smaller so an outdoor summer party makes the most sense.

We gave her plenty of notice we could not attend a month in advance. It wasn’t personal we had planned to see old friends far earlier on the year.

I don’t want to be iced out but if it happens it happens. I’m a grown up.

I do worry about my kids. My son and her son are on the same soccer team and friendly enough. He has plenty of other friends in school as well. As does my daughter, but she’s VERY close with another little girl in the group whose mom is very close to this woman so I would be very sad it this affected that friendship.