Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like postpartum depression, medication and therapy can help

Op here

Thanks for bringing up PPD. I’ve wondered about this myself, especially since her withdrawal just months after our youngest was born. I’ve read up on it and tried to gently bring it up to her, suggesting that she might be dealing with depression or severe burnout, but she completely shuts down the conversation. She won't even entertain the idea.

I even offered to take the girls away for two weeks so she could have a complete break. She refused that too.

That’s what is so confusing and frustrating. If she’s overwhelmed and needs space, I’m trying to give her an out. If she’s depressed, she needs support, but she won't talk to me about it. I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall.

My husband had to bring it up to my doctor for me to get help -- I suspected I had PPD but I couldn't face it because it felt like failing as a mom (and I was dealing with not being able to breastfeed too, so I couldn't take another hit). You can talk to your kids' pediatrician or your wife's doctor, but she needs to be in therapy.

She's going to HAAATE that she missed her second kid's babyhood and early toddler years in this haze. You will be doing her a big service by pushing her to get help. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, because two little kids is a lot to handle with a partner who is not pulling their weight, regardless of the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thank you all for the support. Just to clarify some questions, I am on both birth certificates and I am the primary parent. I handle all the pediatrician appointments and everything at school.

We’ve been together for 12 years and share a lot of mutual friends. I reached out to someone we both get along with well, and they mentioned she’d changed a bit. I didn't tell them about the cheating, it's not my place to share that, but thanks for the suggestions to speak to other people to confirm that her shift hasn't just been in my head.

Guilt makes a lot of people act coldly. It's a distancing and compartmentalization pattern. It wasn't in your head.

You likely won't know what you want emotionally for a long time.

The hardest-nosed question to ask yourself is will she stay and be permanently faithful if you forgive and commit to rebuild. Never mind what you want, now or in the future. That is at the heart of the matter. Her family is Option A and she's had more time to evaluate that option than you will ever have in this process because she reopened the matter first.

[Anonymous]

OP - what do YOU want? In 2 years what does the perfect life look like (with the obvious caveat that you can't change the past). I would think that through and then go from there. Does she want to stay with you and work on things or does she already have one foot out the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is a baby person. Some women turn into great parents once the child is older and can walk and talk and express their needs. Maybe she will be really involved if one of your daughters joins a baseball team or maybe she will coach soccer. I say as long as she turns up for the yearly Christmas concert and poses for the Christmas card picture you should stop complaining. She sounds like such a good mom.

Op here

You are correct , she is not a baby person. She always said she birthed them, so the least I could do is handle the diapers and tantrums. She is a good mom, and I hope to see her get more involved again as our youngest gets a little older. Honestly, I don't know what I want right now, but we need to sit down and talk properly when I'm not so angry. I need to focus on the girls instead of what is easiest for me

lol. This was satire. This is what people say when a dad is completely checked out on parenting. Funny how nobody suggests he is mentally ill and suggests a psychiatrist or medication.

[Anonymous]

That whore cheated and your simp ass wants to commit to this hoe

[Anonymous]

We just attended a high school graduation party of a kid whose mom was checked out for years. The mom would take jobs in other states and I thought they would get divorced but never did. I know the dad took a less demanding job and was the default parent.

I would hire more help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That whore cheated and your simp ass wants to commit to this hoe

Divorce destroys kids, it’s better to work it out. She probably did it due to him not committing.

[Anonymous]

Whose choice was it not to get married?

I was in a similar situation with my ex. We had a baby, he kept promising marriage but kept dragging his feet. I got severely depressed, had enough, figured since I wasn’t married I was free to see other men, and eventually left him.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you guys married?

It isn’t that odd for dads to be checked out and not enjoy parenting. You just have the roles reversed.

[Anonymous]

Is the second definitely yours?

[Anonymous]

How the heck do you do the work of having a commitment ceremony but not get married? Maybe she’s tired of you. And at this point who would want to marry you anyway. I really hope OP is a troll.

You wanted a birthing machine. Nothing more. Congrats. Caveat emptor.

I don’t understand why she had two kids with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Yep.
The entire scenario sounds either celebrity who doesn't have to hold middling class values or the opposite which is ghetto.

Not OP, but I love it when the small-mindedness of DCUM comes out. Maybe they aren’t American, did you think of that? In other cultures it’s not unusual to have kids before marriage. I have family in Sweden and several of them had kids first, then got married. One is getting married this summer after being with her boyfriend for 23 years. Marriage isn’t the same everywhere in the world.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Yep.
The entire scenario sounds either celebrity who doesn't have to hold middling class values or the opposite which is ghetto.

Not OP, but I love it when the small-mindedness of DCUM comes out. Maybe they aren’t American, did you think of that? In other cultures it’s not unusual to have kids before marriage. I have family in Sweden and several of them had kids first, then got married. One is getting married this summer after being with her boyfriend for 23 years. Marriage isn’t the same everywhere in the world.

This isn't Sweden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Yep.
The entire scenario sounds either celebrity who doesn't have to hold middling class values or the opposite which is ghetto.

Not OP, but I love it when the small-mindedness of DCUM comes out. Maybe they aren’t American, did you think of that? In other cultures it’s not unusual to have kids before marriage. I have family in Sweden and several of them had kids first, then got married. One is getting married this summer after being with her boyfriend for 23 years. Marriage isn’t the same everywhere in the world.

And neither is state support for families.
Sweden has a huge social safety net for families. The benefits of marriage pale when there is generous state support. In the US, either one is already way wealthy and doesn't need the legal obligations of a marital union or they are on the other side of the socio-economic scale where they entirely depend on government handouts.
Most people are in the middle and the marital union is a legal instrument to support the family - mainly providing security for the minor children. Which is why a huge component of divorce is the support of minor children.