Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing a great job OP. Not sure why there are so many awful comments here. But really, you sound like a great person. I had issues with my spouse and it wasn't until the kids were diagnosed with a few different psychiatric issues that he realized that he also had them (autism, adhd, anxiety, depression.) Would watch the kids for any issues. Hopefully she agrees to go on meds and see a doctor. That would help. Also agree she should take on at least one day a week to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

I think we refer to this as a Come To Jesus talk. Sit down with your spouse and lay out what you've told us. It doesn't matter if the genders are reversed, I would give the same advice to a wife with a checked out husband.

Basically, this can't continue. Your wife is checked out of family life and it's not fair to you or your kids. If this is a medical issue, then she needs to go get it checked out. Whether it's PPD or depression, she can't keep ignoring it because it's harming your family. You deserve a partner that pulls her weight and your kids deserve a mom who is present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents regret having kids. It's really hard! She probably misses the freedom and lack of responsibilities she used to have. That is totally understandable. If I were you, I would try to have a judgement free conversation about it. Why did you decide to have the 2nd one?

If this is true, it’s completely terrible!

What is wrong with these new parents, who regret having kids?

Has selfishness and immaturity taken over the USA ?

[Anonymous]

OP I am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much now.

Could it be possible that your partner may still be experiencing PPD?
Or maybe just major depression in general??
Would she be willing to be seen by a professional and get evaluated??

[Anonymous]

Many people, including women regret having kids. It is not postpartum depression. It it unhappiness.

I did not want kids (coercion--don't say it was my choice...I am religous and abortion was not an option). I am a great mom. I do everything for them. They want for nothing. I hate being a parent--I don't see the joy. My kids are happy and thriving and I love them and I felt like a single parent when I was married.

Many people have disengaged parents. They can be married or single. Unfortunately, you will be exhausted for the duration of their childhood. I am. I am counting down the days years (one kid in middle school and one in high school).

No advice except hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Divorce/Separate

that does not solve this problem. He is going to be the primary parent regardless and it will cost double what it does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are her specific grievances? I’m sure she’s expressed unhappiness about certain things over the years.

Op here

To answer your question about specific grievances, it's actually hard to pin down because she hasn't really expressed being unhappy (other than that one comment about regretting kids). She was never a super hands on parent, but she definitely did more with my eldest when she was younger.

One thing that's always been tough is that she doesn't really show physical affection with the girls. But I know that stems from her own childhood environment, her family wasn't affectionate at all, so I understand where that comes from and I don't hold it against her.

The biggest issue now is how she actively avoids parenting duties. She consistently stays late at work or goes out with work friends specifically so she misses bedtimes and the eldests clubs. It definitely escalated after our youngest was born, but the avoidance was always there to some degree.

I want to be clear: I still love her deeply, and I really want to make this work. I'm not looking to walk away. I just don't know how to bridge this gap and get through to her before her distance seriously impacts our girls emotionally

Kids really only need one hands-on parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That whore cheated and your simp ass wants to commit to this hoe

Divorce destroys kids, it’s better to work it out. She probably did it due to him not committing.

Divorce does not destroy kids. But in this case it is risky because she is an inactive parent. I hate parenting, but I am an all-hands-on-deck/do-it-all parent. My kids agree the divorce was the best thing...way better than living in a toxic house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we refer to this as a Come To Jesus talk. Sit down with your spouse and lay out what you've told us. It doesn't matter if the genders are reversed, I would give the same advice to a wife with a checked out husband.

Basically, this can't continue. Your wife is checked out of family life and it's not fair to you or your kids. If this is a medical issue, then she needs to go get it checked out. Whether it's PPD or depression, she can't keep ignoring it because it's harming your family. You deserve a partner that pulls her weight and your kids deserve a mom who is present.

Get a grip. My mom was not present. My parents have been married for 50 years. Not all families have the same protocol. One active parent...the kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents regret having kids. It's really hard! She probably misses the freedom and lack of responsibilities she used to have. That is totally understandable. If I were you, I would try to have a judgement free conversation about it. Why did you decide to have the 2nd one?

If this is true, it’s completely terrible!

What is wrong with these new parents, who regret having kids?

Has selfishness and immaturity taken over the USA ?

Both of my GRANDMOTHERS told me they regretted having kids (and I am late 40s) and they have both passed. They had 4 and 6 respectively and were considered ideal mothers. In private, they told me the truth. This is not new. It is just that people will speak up about it now.

[Anonymous]

I frankly find it bizarre that you still “love her deeply”, and it makes me question the veracity of your post. How is that possible when you’re watching her emotionally abandoning the most precious things in your life? Most partners would’ve seething and loathing by now.

[Anonymous]

It sure sounds like PPM. PPM is more common than maybe some posters realize.

[Anonymous]

Shit actually sucks sometimes. Why is everyone so quick to blame postpartum depression? Are the child rearing responsibilities imagined and medication will solve everything? No. The reality is, it does suck sometimes and I'm sorry you took on more than you can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How the heck do you do the work of having a commitment ceremony but not get married? Maybe she’s tired of you. And at this point who would want to marry you anyway. I really hope OP is a troll.

You wanted a birthing machine. Nothing more. Congrats. Caveat emptor.

I don’t understand why she had two kids with you.

Umm has it EVER crossed your mind that maybe she didnt want marriage and/or thinks it necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Is the OP a man? I completely missed that.